doristeo'sblog

2nd Anniversary ++

2010-05-12T23:51:00.005+08:00

I just found this in my draft box... Been starting things and not finishing *sigh* must do better.

"It's just been over 2 years since the day I was diagnosed with breast cancer. It seems like a long time ago...

Although there are daily reminders, e.g. daily medication, tightness in the right chest, shoulder and arm because of the surgery and skin dryness in the same area due to radiation, life is pretty much back to normal. I still have to go for 4 monthly blood tests and checkups and annual scans. I am thankful for good health generally."

Time for an update.

It's now 2 1/2 years since my diagnosis with 3rd stage breast cancer and 2 years since the end of my treatment. Yes, the reminders listed above are still there and I am still thankful for good health.

There are and will always be some annoyances & irritations, limitations & challenges, inconveniences and discomfort that come but they are part of life and living.

I was reminded yesterday as I nagged and complained at the children that it is good to be alive. The fact that I still have children to nag means there is still work for me to do and that is why God is still preserving my life. I ought to be rejoicing!

Studying the book of John this year in BSF has really been a blessing. To understand His glorious majesty and greatness and therefore to also understand the magnitude of His condescension just fills my heart with love for Him. Truly I can love Him because He first loved me. Praying to persevere in believing, following, obeying, loving, trusting, depending on and remaining in him moment by moment, breath by breath, heartbeat by heartbeat.

Remain in me, and I will remain in you. For a branch cannot produce fruit if it is severed from the vine, and you cannot be fruitful unless you remain in me. Yes, I am the vine; you are the branches. Those who remain in me, and I in them, will produce much fruit. For apart from me you can do nothing. John 15:4-5 - Jesus

Update

2009-07-14T09:49:00.004+08:00

It's been 3 months since I blogged. A big "Thank you!" to all who continue to check the blog, ask after me and pray for my family and me.

Sorry I have been busy, lazy and had not too much to update. I've now "graduated" to 3-monthly doctors visits rather than 3-weekly. Apart from my daily dose of anti-hormonal drug all my cancer treatment is completed.

As you can see from the unflattering photo - taken with mobile phone in my study area - my hair has grown. I think this is the length of hair I had throughout childhood. The hair grew back curly... but I am thankful for my crowning glory.

I am thankful that my health has been very good. I have been eating well - evident from the double chin. Right now nursing a cold and cough... despite all the precautions I take *sigh*.

Reuben's travelling again - last week to Japan and this week to Australia. The children are all keeping well, 3rd week back at school after 4 weeks of school vacation. I'm back to the swing of things and daily routines

Be joyful always, pray continually; give thanks in all circumstances, for this is the will of God foryou in Christ Jesus. 1 Thess 5:16-18

Testimony at ARPC

2009-04-14T23:06:00.004+08:00

I was privileged to share my testimony (below) at our Easter Service last Sunday, 12 April 2009.

Presents... you usually cannot judge the gift by the wrapping. Some gifts are so beautifully packaged but the contents are a let down. Other times the packaging looks decidedly unpromising but the content turns out to be just the thing I wanted/needed/could use.

Last year I received an Unexpected Gift in Unusual Wrapping.

On Friday 26 April 2008, I was diagnosed to have Stage III breast cancer. It means that the breast cancer cells had spread from the breast into my lymph nodes but thankfully not into any of my organs.

It was just a week before, on Saturday, that I went to see my GP Dr Neo about a firm, irregular-shaped lump in my right breast. Her first question after examining me was, “Why did you wait so long before coming?” “Oops! not good news”, I thought but I was optimistic that it would be okay. The following Tuesday I went to see Dr Yap, a breast surgeon who sent me for ultrasound, mammogram and did a biopsy (took a sample of the lump for investigation).

All through the week, I was praying and getting friends and family to pray and hoping that it would not be cancer but just a harmless lump of fat or scar tissue. Reuben and I went to the surgeon’s clinic on Friday to hear the results of the biopsy. It was cancer – not the news we wanted. God does not always answer the way I want but He gave me the peace, calm and preparedness to accept the cancer.

Dr Karen Yap explained that because the cancer had spread, I would need to see an oncologist to discuss treatment options. Probably I would receive chemotherapy before surgery and then radiation therapy. I remember thinking, and telling her, that it was easier to die than undergo treatment. I was and still am confident that when I die, I will go to heaven where there is no more disease or pain. It’s a definite, secure and certain hope because Jesus promises it to everyone who believes in him and receives him as Lord.

Undergoing chemotherapy was different - I had heard many scary stories of how sick you can get - and I don't like feeling sick and weak, I fear pain and discomfort. I am thankful that my chemotherapy regimen was not as bad as I had anticipated.

However, I did suffer some pain. There were days when I felt very sick, very weak, and very uncomfortable. There were days when I felt depressed and down about being “limited” and confined by the disease and treatment. The chemotherapy drugs brought on sleepless nights and bad dreams which in turn brought tears and sadness. Remembering my father who died when I was 6+, and whom I still miss dearly, made me cry at the prospect of my children without a mum and husband without a helper.

I prayed fervently that the Lord will give me a few more years. God has answered my prayers, all my treatment went well and the latest tests did not detect any cancer in my body. However as every cancer patient knows, the possibility of recurrence is ever present, like a sword suspended over your head.

Being a Christian does not guarantee me a life of absolute health, wealth and ease or a life without pain, discomfort, inconvenience. But it gives me the assurance that whatever I go through, God has purposed it for my good.

Throughout this cancer experience, I and my family have been blessed. God has given me wonderful gifts and blessing wrapped up in the cancer package:-

Facing the prospect of death is sobering – knowing that despite advances in medical technology, death is inevitable. I read of a lady who survived breast cancer for several years, only to be knocked down by a car. I need to be prepared to die at anytime.
Facing the prospect of death gives new urgency to life – I prayed that God will give me more years and I pray for life in the years, not just a meaningless existence. I want to live a fulfilling life of adventures with God, a life the bible describes as “life that is truly life”. It has prompted me to check that I have not left undone the things that I should do.
I have grown in my faith in God – I know I need to trust Him in everything and I know He can be trusted with everything. Even if my cancer returns, He is in control and I can depend on Him.
I have experienced God in a deeper way – know firsthand that He is all I need:
He is with me everywhere, all the time. There are many places family, loved ones, friends cannot go with me but God can. He hears my groans and cries when no one else is around.
He is powerful. There are burdens no one can help carry; pain that none can bear on my behalf or relieve, but God can and He does.
He is the God of the impossible. He gives joy in sadness, hope in futility, strength in weakness, peace in chaos, security in danger, calm in storms, comfort in pain and guidance and assurance in confusion.
He supplies all my needs
My family has experienced what it means to be in God’s family. We experienced God’s love expressed and demonstrated by fellow Christians. Many prayed for us, visited, fed us, transported us, encouraged us, sent us letters and cards, e-mails.

So, while I would be hard pressed to think of cancer as a gift, I see it as the wrapping in which all these precious gifts from God came.

Romans 8: 28 And we know that God causes all things to work together for good to those who love God, to those who are called according to His purpose.

Children's Church BBQ

2009-03-20T22:27:00.002+08:00

Tonight our children's church leaders organised a BBQ for the children (pre-school & primary) and their families. We had a good turnout and God gave us wonderful weather - rained in the early evening so everything was cool at 7.30 pm.

The teachers worked really hard to cook satays, chicken wings, sausages, otak-otak. We also had beehoon, fried rice and a great assortment of salads, snacks, desserts, drinks courtesy of different families. We had a good time interacting with fellow parents and teachers.

Pastor John Wong gave us a short talk on parenting. It was a good reminder that good and godly parenting does not happen by accident. It has to be intentional and deliberate. Some of the points he covered:

The world is an increasingly hostile environment for bringing up children, the challenges are great.
God gives us children as a heritage and a reward from Him (Psalm 127:3);
Children are created in the image of God, with the capacity to know, relate with and love God;
The goal of Christian parenting is to raise children through guidance and discipline to faith in Christ so as to glorify Him in every area of life and eventually to pass the faith on to their children;
Not to neglect our children but to begin training them from young the way of the Lord so they may not depart from it later (Proverbs 22:6);
To constantly instruct children God's word - speak, explain and relate it to every area of our lives (Deuteronomy 6:4-9);
To model Christian living for our children - not perfection, but what a relationship with God looks like;
Not to be overly harsh and strict, frustrating children and provoking them to anger and bitterness (Ephesians 6:4);
To treat our children with the same measure of grace, tender loving kindness that God extends to us.

I have to admit that none of the points above are new to me but consistently practicing them is the challenge. Too many things competing for attention and often parenting becomes reduced to nagging children about very functional things like homework, getting off the computer, bedtime etc.

I loved the early years of my children's life when we cycled, swam, spent lots of time at the park... The days before homework, CCAs, tuition, lessons and competing schedules. The days before they became conversant with MSN, facebook, e-mails etc. I was able to do devotions with each one everynight, read aloud...

Perhaps I've become lazy and these "obstacles" are just excuses... I have to pray and make a new start...

Proverbs 14:26
He who fears the LORD has a secure fortress, and for his children it will be a refuge. (NIV)
In the fear of the LORD one has strong confidence, and his children will have a refuge. (ESV)
If you respect the LORD, you and your children have a strong fortress. (CEV)
Those who fear the Lord are secure; He will be a refuge for their children. (NLT)
The Fear-of-God builds up confidence, and makes a world safe for your children. (The Message)

Blood Test & PET Scan

2009-02-18T23:29:00.007+08:00

I remember Dr Alan Tan (my good friend Carol's husband) telling me to choose an oncologist I like (i.e. good chemistry) because it's a lifelong relationship.

Although my chemo is over and surgery and radiotherapy done with, I still go to Dr Karmen Wong on average once every 3 weeks. Still receiving Herceptin by IV drip, final dose in April. After that, will see her at least once every 3 months for regular blood tests to monitor the tumor markers etc.

At my last visit in January, I told her about this niggling pain in the right side of my back near the hip joint. Reuben was concerned about it although I thought it could be because I slept in a bad position. Anyway, we decided to bring forward my annual PET from April to February.

So it was that last Tuesday (10 Feb 09) I went to Dr Wong's clinic for a blood test and then off to Asia Medic for a CT/PET scan. The whole process for CT/PET scan takes about 3 hours.

The steps include:
1. changing into the surgical gown, taking a blood glucose test
2. drink something that gives contrast to my guts when they take the image
3. the Dr puts in a cannula into my vein
4. they inject some radioactive glucose into my blood stream
5. I lie still for 45-60 minutes
6. They put me in the machine for 45 minutes to do the scan.

Everything was going well but halfway through the scan the machine broke down! The scan had to be aborted as they could not get it fixed on time. By the time I reached home, it was 3.30 pm - the whole day almost gone! Oh dear, very upsetting! I could not afford to waste another morning in the same week to redo the scan so scheduled for today instead.

I went back to Dr Wong's on Wed to review the blood test and also for another Herceptin infusion. The blood report was not very good. The cancer marker (CEA) had gone up from 3.1 in the last blood test to 6.1 in this one (the normal range is below 4.7 ug/L). In addition the serum SGOT and SGPT (liver enzymes) were also raised.

That made the PET scan more urgent to see if the cancer had spread elsewhere in the body. The whole family was anxious about it, yet we could do nothing but pray for health, for peace and calm.

Today the scan was again delayed by 2.5 hours but thankfully I brought along my bible, bible study material, MP3 player etc for the wait. The study this week included Isaiah 43:1-4 a promise to Israel that God takes care of own beloved children. These words were a great comfort to me as I waited.

To compensate for all the delays, the Dr prepared my report within an hour. I am thankful and happy to inform you that there was no evidence of cancer tumors anywhere in my body.

Isaiah 43:1-4 But now thus says the LORD, he who created you, O Jacob, he who formed you, O Israel: "Fear not, for I have redeemed you; I have called you by name, you are mine. When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and through the rivers, they shall not overwhelm you; when you walk through fire you shall not be burned, and the flame shall not consume you. For I am the LORD your God, the Holy One of Israel, your Saviour. I give Egypt as your ransom, Cush and Seba in exchange for you. Because you are precious in my eyes, and honoured, and I love you, I give men in return for you, peoples in exchange for your life.

Sailing

2009-02-17T12:51:00.003+08:00

During the 2008 year end school holidays, our 3 older kids Jonathan, Alisha and David attended a 4-day sailing course called "Get Kids Afloat". It was held at the SAF Yatch Club in Sembawang.

The aims of the course: 1. To introduce sailing to school going children; 2. To build self-confidence; 3. To promote teamwork; 4. To build self reliance.

We were nervous about safety but were assured about the small instructor-student ratio; the children would wear life vests; and their swimming competency assessed before being allowed to sail.

We took the kids to Newton MRT station daily where they met cousin Shan and travelled together to Sembawang MRT. A shuttle bus takes them to and from the club. The course was 9-5 with lunch provided. Fees: $210 per child (if I remember correctly) which is great value for money.

They were taught how to handle a boat, read wind direction, adjust their sails to "catch" the wind, etc. They also learnt to capsize their own boats and then turn it back upright again. The children enjoyed themselves very much and I think at the end of it enjoyed a sense of achievement.

Allowing them to undergo some of these life experiences for themselves is beneficial to their growth as persons and also in their experience of God. Alisha recently recounted her sailing experience in an essay she wrote at school. I asked for her permission to post it here.

"I could feel the heat of the afternoon sun against my skin. The wind pushed my sail boat further and further from the shores of Singapore. It was during the December holidays. My brothers and I had signed up for a sailing course in Sembawang. It was four days long and started at nine in the morning, ending at five in the evening.

On our second day, we had to sail solo unlike the day before when we sailed in pairs. Not being a confident sailor, I was constantly afraid of knocking into other boats, capsizing and drowning. Hence, this was a big challenge for me.

The brisk wind pushed my little boat far from the shore and the buildings in Johor Baru loomed larger and larger. Suddenly, dark grey clouds appeared in the sky, followed by large splotches of rain falling from the clouds above. Strong gusts of wind urged my boat onward. I saw in the distance several brightly coloured pink and blue boats capsizing one by one. I feared I would be next.

Vivid images of me drowning in the vast sea replayed in my mind. I couldn't figure out what I was doing wrong, but I was drifting away from the group of people I was sailing with. Frantically, I tried to control my boat and head back toward Singapore.

To add to my worries, the tiller extension of my boat broke. I was on the verge of tears as I tried to keep my boat upright. My boat tipped side to side, threatening to capsize. I cried out to God silently asking for help. Within minutes, I was sailing on course back to where I had started.

As I was unrigging my sail boat with my brothers, I thought of how quickly God had answered me when I called on him for help. I was reminded that God had control over everything. After this experience, I know I can call and rely on God."

Psalm 50:15
"... call upon me in the day of trouble; I will deliver you, and you will honour me."

Frenzy of Activity

2009-02-06T00:26:00.004+08:00

Just discovered this entry in my draft folder, started on 10 January (2 weeks to Chinese New Year)... Since then I've been busy, truly a frenzy of activities and have had no time to blog.

We usually don't celebrate Chinese New Year in a big way, just a reunion dinner with our extended family (my mum & siblings, sometimes with Reuben's parents if they are visiting). Usually I make some pineapple tarts (I cheat with pineapple jam from Phoon Huat).

This year, since my sister Lilian and her husband Perry were coming to visit from Seattle, with 18 month old Caitlyn, I thought I'd make a bit more effort. My mum who's been in Seattle since September 08 also came back with them.

My helper Uswatun and I made pineapple jam (she did most of the shredding, cooking and stirring) - 10 pineapples worth of it! From 8 kg of pineapple pulp and juice and 2 kg of rock sugar, we produced 4 kg of pineapple jam. When you think of it, that was a lot of water which evaporated! I prepared 8 batches of pineapple tart pastry and then I got into a frenzy of baking.

In total I made 600 over pineapple tarts (i counted!). Every single pastry lovingly cut, crimped, given a coat of egg wash, filled with jam, topped with tiny pastry stars and then baked. Don't they look pretty?

Making CNY cookies quietly on my own is actually quite therapeutic. Making it with the children is a bit more chaotic but a fun family activity as you can see. I remember as a child, mixing, rolling, cutting, baking mountains of dough each year with my mum and siblings after school. I thought it would be nice to give my kids that same experience... and try to recreate some of that "CNY atmosphere" for them.

It requires effort, patience and is tiring but I want to create memories for my kids... Of course not just passing on recipes but even more importantly for me, passing on the faith. Helping my kids experience a real and vital relationship with God through Jesus Christ is my topmost priority although often the business of daily living threatens to overwhelm my attempts.

Psalm 78:3-6 (CEV)
3 These are things we learned from our ancestors,
4 and we will tell them to the next generation.
We won't keep secret the glorious deeds
and the mighty miracles of the LORD
5God gave his Law to Jacob's descendants, the people of Israel. And he told our ancestors to teach their children,
6so that each new generation would know his Law
and tell it to the next.

Need to Exercise!

2009-01-10T00:11:00.013+08:00

I went back to my good friend and gynaecologist Dr Adrian Tan at Thomson Medical Centre for a check up on Monday. The wounds from the laparoscopy have healed really well.

However I think I am starting to feel the effects of menopause:-

at bedtime, I shiver and have to cover up in the airconditioned room but in the middle of the night I kick off all the covers because I feel uncomfortably warm;
been waking up at 4.30 am and struggle to get back to sleep;
my joints seem stiffer - I love to sit on the floor, but it now takes more effort to get up and then a few moments to overcome the stiffness...

H/w it's not as bad as people have told me it could be. I've to do some reading about this and then learn to adjust and make the best of it. The silver lining: Adrian says these are temporary.

I'm not the exercising type but am making an effort out of necessity. Reuben's been urging me to exercise more. My sister-in-law sent me an article some weeks ago entitled Doctors tell cancer patients: hit the gym. We had an orthopaedic surgeon friend over for dinner Thursday night who told me that exercise was essential for post-menopausal women to keep osteoporosis at bay.

So...I am getting the hint. I am trying to be disciplined, diligent and good. This week I walked 20 mins each on Mon, Wed and Friday morning. Late on Wed evening Janice and I walked 3km+ (9 holes on the golf course) accompanying Reuben and Jonathan as they played golf. I carried my golf bag and clubs but did not play.

I was rather reluctant to go when Reuben asked me but at the end of it, I was glad I went. Keppel Club golf course is mature with lots of tall trees which shelter birds like the blue kingfisher. Some holes are very pretty with landscaping featuring streams, colourful shrubs, and flowering plants. So the experience is like walking in the botanic gardens, except for the punishing pace and the undulating terrain. I managed to take a few of photos of Janice at the 15th hole.

At the end of it, I was, like the standard ending of school children's composition ending, "tired but happy"! It was an accomplishment for a sedentary person like me! Maybe after a few more rounds like this, I will start to swing the clubs.

Psalm 103:22 Praise the LORD, all his works everywhere in his dominion. Praise the LORD, O my soul.

Scrapbook for Dad

2009-01-06T23:04:00.007+08:00

We usually have a hard time getting Reuben a suitable gift for his birthday...

This year Alisha set about making a scrapbook for Reuben, filled with photos of herself and her siblings. She had wanted my help but in the end because I was too busy she did it all herself, with some help from Janice.

I am really proud of Alisha, firstly for her thoughtfulness, secondly for fore-planning since this was not a piece of work that could be done overnight. Also for her creativity since this was made from scratch (i.e. not a store-bought scrap-booking kit).

My kids are growing up so fast!

Psalm 127:3-5
Sons are a heritage from the LORD, children a reward from him.
Like arrows in the hands of a warrior are sons born in one's youth.
Blessed is the man whose quiver is full of them. They will not be put to shame when they contend with their enemies in the gate.

Gingerbread House

2009-01-06T22:39:00.007+08:00

One of the activities I love to do with my kids is baking and of late, cake & cookie decorating. On one of our outings to IKEA during the school holidays, we chanced upon a gingerbread house kit sold at the Swedish food market. The gingerbread comes baked in pieces shaped like parts of a house and all we had to do was assemble it.

On Christmas eve afternoon, I made some royal icing and left it to Alisha and Janice to assemble the house. They did a pretty good job. On Christmas day itself, just before our lunch guests arrived, the girls set to work decorating it together with their cousins Natasha (5), Felicia (4) and Lucas (3). Too bad we did not manage to capture the process on camera.

I think they did a really great job with no adult assistance or intervention. The little ducks and accessories are things I'd saved from numerous store-bought birthday cakes, Christmas logs etc. Next year we might even bake the gingerbread ourselves!

The finished product and the aftermath...

Growing and Healing

2008-12-29T18:10:00.005+08:00

I started chemotherapy early May and the hair on my head steadily fell off until a few straggly bits were left. Then Reuben helped shave me and I was totally botak (bald).

It's been 4 months since my last chemotherapy on Aug 28,2008. After that last chemo, I lost just about all my eyelashes and eyebrows as well. They've finally grown back and even the hair on my head is now growing steadily. Praise the Lord for making bodies that are amazing in their ability to grow, regenerate.

Yesterday's oopherectomy went well. I was very drowsy from the general anesthetic and was drifting in and out of sleep until about 9 pm when Reuben and Alisha came to take me home. After getting home I just changed into PJ and promptly fell asleep.

Thank you for supporting my family and me in prayer. Today I experienced some soreness and some tiredness but otherwise am very well.

You made my whole being; you formed me in my mother's body. I praise you because you made me in an amazing and wonderful way. What you have done is wonderful. I know this very well. You saw my bones being formed as I took shape in my mother's body. When I was put together there, you saw my body as it was formed. All the days planned for me were written in your book before I was one day old. Psalm 139:13-16 (New Century Version)

Von Teo Family

2008-12-27T12:50:00.003+08:00

Our church had a Family Christmas Eve service this year and the theme was Eternal Praise. We had participation from different groups in church fom the children to the elderly in our Mandarin ministry.

We had testimonies of the way God had answered prayers, given us miracles, our sermon was about how in the midst of chaos, suffering, unanswered questions we can know a God who has put in motion his plan of restoration and will bring it to completion.

Our family gave an item, we sang a hymn Thou Didst Leave Thy Throne. You can follow the link below and watch it. The execution was certainly not perfect but we hope you enjoy it.

http://www.arpc.net/sermons/2008/christmas/teofamilysong.MP4

“Don’t let your hearts be troubled. Trust in God, and trust also in me. There is more than enough room in my Father’s home. If this were not so, would I have told you that I am going to prepare a place for you? When everything is ready, I will come and get you, so that you will always be with me where I am. And you know the way to where I am going.” John 14:1-4 (New Living Translation)

Christmas Lunch

2008-12-25T23:04:00.006+08:00

Today we had a family Christmas lunch with my brothers Harry, Paul and Paul's family (Ai Vee, Natasha, Felicia, Lucas).

We also had the privilege of hosting the Children's Church leaders who've been teaching Alisha, David and Janice this year and a few friends from church

We had a yummy spread of sushi, roast beef, Vietnamese salad, prawn salad, scalloped potatoes. My sis-in-law Ai Vee prepared scrumptious Javanese chicken & BBQ ribs. And for dessert, fruits, tiramisu, home made log cake, gingerbread house, red bean soup with mochi.

We ate, talked, ate some more, sang carols, played Guesstures... a wonderful time.

Christmas 2008

2008-12-21T16:22:00.012+08:00

Reuben and I with Jonathan 13, David 10, Spyke (2human years), Alisha 12 and Janice 8

Christmas is just 4 days away...

Unlike my children who cannot wait for birthdays, Christmas, new year to come because they will be older, I am usually less enthusiastic about them... more work for me to do!

In fact, I usually feel melancholic at this time of the year. This has happened without fail for the past few years. This melancholic mood will invariably "descend" on me before Chinese New Year, before my birthday and before Christmas. I'm not sure if everyone else past middle-age feels this way about the passing of time, getting older...

This year I feel differently. Given my cancer diagnosis and treatment since April 2008, turning 44 in October was a very happy milestone for me. Being able to celebrate this Christmas with my family, to see out the year 2008 brings joy to my heart. I think I will no longer feel sad about growing older. Each day, each week, each month, each year is a bonus, a gift... to be received with gratitude and joy.

So to friends and loved ones near and far, I take this opportunity to send Christmas greetings from my home and my family, to you and your families:

As you celebrate the birth of Jesus,
may you have the love, joy, peace and hope
that comes from knowing Him as Saviour, Lord and King.
Blessed Christmas!

Luke 2:10-11 The angel said to them, "Do not be afraid. I bring you good news of great JOY that will be for all the people. Today in the town of David a Savior has been born to you; he is Christ the Lord."

Heartbreaking News

2008-12-19T22:17:00.002+08:00

Received an e-mail today from my friend Sock Kim, who attends the same church we do. She was diagnosed with nasopharygeal cancer 2 years ago and underwent treatment.

Her latest scan shows 3 nodules (tumors) growing in her right lung. She will be going for a major lung surgery on Mon, 22 Dec 2008 to remove them. The surgery is scheduled at 8am & will take about 2-3 hrs.

Do join me to pray for this Sock Kim. Her blog www.sockkim.blogspot.com gives details and her prayer requests as follows:

Please pray that :

the Lord will guide Prof Koong & his medical team as they perform this delicate surgery.
nothing will go wrong during & after the surgery (eg no infection, stroke or bleeding).
the surgery will be successful in removing all the affected areas in the right lung.
there will be no or minimal post-surgery side-effects (eg numbness, pain).
whatever the result (malignant or benign), the Lord will grant me His strength & peace as I go through yet another trial.

Oopherectomy

2008-12-18T10:32:00.000+08:00

Oopherectomy is a new word I learnt this year, it means the surgical removal of ovaries.

When Dr KW first spoke to me about hormonal therapy, she asked if we planned to have any more children. I gave an emphatic "No". Reuben and I are outnumbered as it is... haha! Since I'm done with all my child-bearing, I have no issues undergoing hormonal therapy.

My cancer is hormone receptor positive - the hormone estrogen in my body turns on and stimulate the growth of breast cancer cells. Hormonal therapy (or "anti-estrogen therapy) blocks this stimulation and growth.

The drug most commonly in hormonal therapy is tamoxifen. It blocks estrogen receptors on the cells. Another type of drug which is more effective in my type of cancer is the aromatase inhibitor (AI)which lowers estrogen production. Estrogen is normally produced by the ovaries and also by fat cells in the body. AI is only effective in post-menopausal women (when estrogen is no longer produced by the ovaries).

So in order for the aromatase inhibitor to work well, i have to become post-menopausal. There are 3 ways to achieve this:

taking a drug Zolodex by injection into the abdominal fats every 3 months to suppress the ovaries - expensive option as I will take this for 5 years. Also pointless as after stopping this drug I will be 49 and going into menopause anyway;
having ovaries "zapped" by radiation to inactivate them - easiest and least invasive but the radiologist says it may not always work;
taking the ovaries out by surgery - oopherectomy! - most effective option.

So I will be having a key-hole surgery the week after Christmas to remove my ovaries. It will be a day surgery. Will post date later.

1 Thess 5:16-18 Be joyful always, pray continually; give thanks in all circumstances, for this is the will of God for you in Christ Jesus.

End of Radiotherapy

2008-12-18T10:29:00.002+08:00

It's been 10 days since my daily radiotherapy (RT) sessions ended on 9 Dec 08. That was also the day of my appointment with Dr SL. She advised me to be gentle with the skin as some parts of it could break anytime. PTL that has not happened - I joked that I had "thick skin".

I saw what RT can do to the skin. There was a man I saw daily undergoing RT on his neck. The skin on his neck had broken and was "raw" and weepy. His daughter applied cream on it after radiation but it looked like the cream would not stick... I can just imagine the agony he was going through.

By the last day of therapy the skin on the right side of my chest and under the armpits were red in some parts and very brown in others. The therapists told me that it takes about 2 weeks for the side effects to go away. Right now, the skin is mostly brown, a bit leathery dry, some parts feel a bit more tender & sore but on the whole bearable. Aloe Vera gel is cooling and very helpful and I apply QV cream for the dryness.

Thank you for praying.

Psalm 121 A song of ascents.
1 I lift up my eyes to the hills— where does my help come from?
2 My help comes from the LORD, the Maker of heaven and earth.
3He will not let your foot slip— he who watches over you will not slumber;
4 indeed, he who watches over Israel will neither slumber nor sleep.
5The LORD watches over you— the LORD is your shade at your right hand;
6 the sun will not harm you by day, nor the moon by night.
7The LORD will keep you from all harm— he will watch over your life;
8 the LORD will watch over your coming and going both now and for evermore.

Homemade Christmas Cards

2008-12-11T23:54:00.005+08:00

We have not been sending Christmas cards for several years now... just never got organised enough to do so.

This year the children and i decided to make some Christmas cards to send to relatives and friends. The girls were very diligent and the boys contributed some.

It takes quite a bit of time and effort to make these cards - we managed to make only 60 and it took many days but I think it was well worth it. We had lots of fun letting our creative juices flow. The benefits for me: lots of quality time interacting with the kids, seeing their personalities and character come out, learning lessons together.

So to my biased eyes, these are absolutely the most beautiful cards. They were made with love. We are sorry not to be able to send everyone one.

Reunion

2008-12-10T17:06:00.006+08:00

Last Saturday, 6 Dec 08, we had a reunion with a small group of friends at my home. We all hail from Batu Pahat, a small town in Johor.

Back (L to R): Rosie Soh, Linda Khoo, Linda Tan Lai Yin, Tee Ling Ling, Chin Wei Leong

Front (L to R): Reuben, David Khoo Swee Peng, me, Leslie Lim, Christina Khaw Mei Lin, Diane Teo Lai Yong

Rosie and Linda Khoo had travelled from Johor Baru, Christina Khaw Mei Lin from Penang and Diane Teo Lai Yong from Subang. The rest of us live in Singapore. Christina and Diane are friends from secondary school, while Ling Ling, Linda Tan, Rosie, Linda Khoo are friends from primary school days. The 3 guys are a year older than us and friends from Sunday School and church Youth group.

It's wonderful to be able to catch up and see how every one has changed and grown. We chin wagged over coffee, chocolates, ta pow lunch of Katong Laksa and otah.

In July when Rosie, Linda Khoo and Sue Ping visited me, we had planned this Dec reunion in Singapore. Although not many could make it, it was really fun and noisy. I felt very privileged to have them travel so far to visit me.

Proverbs 17:17 A friend loves at all times, and a brother is born for adversity.

A Step Further

2008-11-24T22:23:00.003+08:00

I just finished reading A Step Further, a book by Joni Eareckson Tada and Steve Estes. For those unfamiliar with it, Joni broke her neck in a diving accident when she was 17 and has been a quadriplegic (paralysed from neck down) and confined to a wheelchair for more than 35 years now. I remember reading her autobiography, Joni, as a young teen and being very impressed and touched.

In A Step Further, Joni shares her initial frustration and anger with God, the longing and search for physical healing and restoration and then the acceptance, learning to trust God in her condition. There are only 186 pages in the book, pretty easy reading but I took quite a long time - interrupted reading. Here's a short summary:

Part 1 autobiographical on the physical, emotional and spiritual struggle of of being quadriplegic;
Part 2 learning to trust God in the midst of suffering;
Part 3 reconciling the often conflicting advice, instruction, "teachings" that well-meaning Christians gave on healing;
Part 4 is called "When the Pieces Don't Fit" - Let God be God
Part 5 "When it all Fits Together" - Heaven

I found the sharing, insights and illustrations very helpful. Discussion on theological issues are put in simple everyday language - easy to read and digest. She also includes a list of other books on the topic. A highly recommended read. Joni's sharing made me think of heaven and long for the day when,

He will wipe every tear from their eyes. There will be no more death or mourning or crying or pain, for the old order of things has passed away." Revelations 21:4

"Troublesome"

2008-11-22T14:30:00.002+08:00

That's what the daily trip to hospital for radiation therapy is to the elderly lady I met at hospital yesterday. She's a feisty 77 year old and has been treated for stage 3 ovarian cancer by chemotherapy and now being treated for stage 1 breast cancer. She misses her thrice weekly shopping trips.

I guess the daily trip to the hospital is a bit "troublesome" but the potential benefits are great so I am counting my blessings. I am thankful to be able to drive myself to and from hospital daily. Many friends have offered to take me but I feel the 8.10am appointment is not so convenient for them. I usually am able to make it home by 9.30 am and have the rest of the day with the kids.

Last Monday, we even managed to go to the zoo together with our friends Aileen, Kenneth and their boys Andrew and Aaron. Unfortunately we were rained out by lunch time...

Side effects of radiation has been minimal so far, just slight "tanning" and dryness and sometimes itchiness around the site. Apart from that I still have tightness in the right arm and chest area due to scar tissues forming. I have to remember to do my exercises daily to stretch the tissues.

Long Overdue Update

2008-11-12T22:33:00.004+08:00

Oh, it's been a long while since the last entry... Been busy, lazy... the usual excuses.

Now that my BSF year has ended, I have a little more time... to catch up with all the other things have been put on a holding pattern.

Last Wednesday I went to see Dr Karmen and she greeted me with, "Doris, you're as strong as a bull!" I'd had a blood test taken and bone density test done the day before. The results were excellent - strong bones, no sign of osteoporosis, blood count, haemoglobin levels were all good. The only thing was an elevated level of potassium - she asked me to cut down on eating vegetables and fruit! Hmm... didn't know that eating vegies could be bad for me.

I started Radiation Therapy last Monday, 3 Nov 08, at SGH. My cousin's good friend Dr Susan Loong is taking care of me there. I'll be receiving radiotherapy for 5 weeks (25 sessions). The treatment itself takes less than 10 minutes. But the whole exercise takes about 1 hour daily - including travelling time, changing into the gown, waiting for my turn, receiving the radiation, changing out of the gown and travelling home. Once a week I have to see Dr Susan so it will take longer on those days.

So far, the only side effect is slightly darker skin (like a tan) although I expect some more side effects as time goes by. My friend Grace S who herself underwent radiotherapy this year gave me 2 tubes of aloe vera gel to apply. It helps to keep the area cool.

As my cancer is receptive to hormones, I will be going on hormone therapy (to block the action of hormones in my body) for the next 5 years. I will be taking a drug called Femara (letrozole) and for this drug to work properly, I have to become post-menopausal. Sometime next month we plan for me to have an oopherectomy (removal of ovaries).

It's kind of scary as I've heard many stories about the process of menopause - the mood swings, hot flushes etc etc. I know God will give me sufficient grace to go through it... he's promised it in the Bible.

"My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me. 2 Cor 12:9

Surprise!!

2008-10-22T18:06:00.007+08:00

My dear friends Joyce and Vera said they would come and visit me on Tuesday, 7 Oct after BSF class. I was home, still recovering from surgery. Joyce said they'd bring some lunch for me. As Joyce is the Class Administrator and Vera the Substitute Teaching Leader of my BSF center, we often meet to discuss the work. I said okay, and did not give it much thought.

I was very surprised when, at 12 pm, a whole bunch of other ladies started turning up at my house! They were throwing me a surprise birthday party and I had not even suspected anything! These are my regular helpers and prayer supporters from my BSF class.

My regular helpers and prayer supporters from my BSF class. Clockwise from back row - Alison Chong who drove Jon to golf lessons and did grocery shopping; Linda Teo who gave Alisha Maths tuition; Goh Say Kiat who also drove Jon to golf lessons; Leong Tai Wan who gave Alisha & David Chinese tuition and drove me to BSF leaders meeting every Monday; Lee Wui Meng; Elaine Tan who drove me to BSF every Tuesday and also did grocery shopping; Joyce Moh and Vera Chek who helped in ways too numerous to recount.

They brought food to feed my whole family. We had a scrumptious meal, with much thanksgiving and laughter.

Great Physician

2008-10-18T10:27:00.005+08:00

It's been 4 weeks since the operation and my wound is healing really well. Even the areas on my body which felt "funny" - numb and thick - immediately after surgery are recovering normal sensation again.

During my follow up visit to Dr Karen Yap on 10 Oct I had some fluid aspirated from the operation site. There was only 32ml removed - which Karen says was very good - i.e. minimal.

I also had 2 warts removed (burned off with laser!) by Dr Erik Ang - Karen's husband. It was painless because of the anesthetic but left 2 little craters in my left thumb and index finger. I'm glad my cousin Rachel was with me when the warts were being zapped - she kept talking to me and it took my mind and eye off the procedure. The one time I glanced over, the little crater in my finger made me feel just a teeny bit queasy.

Last Wed 15 Oct I returned to Dr Karmen Wong for follow up and to receive another dose of IV Herceptin (monoclonal antibody). Thankfully it does not have any side effects. We discussed and finally decided that I would go to the National Cancer Centre (NCC) at Singapore National Centre (SGH) for radiotherapy. Cousin Rachel's good friend, Dr Susan Loong, is the Senior Consultant Radiologist there. Karmen Wong was previoiusly from SGH and knows also highly recommended Susan Loong.

Radiotherapy will start in November and go on for 5 weeks, 5 days a week. On Monday I had a CT scan with markings and wires taped to my body - this is for the doctors to plan the treatment. I also received 4 tattoos (just tiny dots) as permanent reference markings to guide the radiologist.

We thank God for his provision of wonderful doctors to take care of me. Even as I receive drugs, surgery, radiation, take my health supplements, tonics, juices, etc, I am reminded that it is God who heals. He is the great Physician. "I am the Lord who heals you." Ex 15:26

My sister sent me a card with the following poem...
The One who made us knows how to mend us.
He is the Great Physician -
The only One who can heal body, soul, and spirit.
His appointment calendar is never too full...
His schedule is never too busy...
His diagnosis is accurate...
His treatment is gentle...
His results are wonderful!

Children's Choir

2008-10-07T22:47:00.003+08:00

Last weekend, was our church's commemorative and dedication service. The Lord has grown our church from a seemingly "unpromising" start with 2 groups of 12-16 people in 2 locations, to a community about 1000 strong meeting in 3 services. It was testimony to the Lord's faithfulness. It was also testimony to the journey of faith which takes many unexpected twists and turns.

Our girls, Alisha and Janice, had the privilege of singing in the children's choir under the able leadership of Jessy Oskar and team. The choir sang Master Builder and Jesus is the King. You can follow this link to watch the video - may take a while to open: http://www.arpc.net/sermons/2008/25_25/children.mp4.

I pray you'll be blessed by the songs.

O Lord our Lord, how majestic is your name in all the earth! You have set your glory above the heavens. From the lips of children and infants you have ordained praise. Psalm 8:1-2a

Pathology Report

2008-10-03T15:38:00.003+08:00

It's been 10 days since my surgery and the wound is healing well. Apart from some tightness in my right armpit, I have full use of my right arm. Have to be diligent in doing the post-op exercises.

My cousin Rachel Tan's been my chauffeur this week accompanying me to the doctors, treating me to breakfast and morning tea. Rae is a most fun person to hang out with... she's smart, well informed and we have a good laugh all the time.

I went to see Karen Yap on Monday to remove the drainage tube and again today for a follow-up. She did an ultrasound scan of the operation site. The amount of fluid accumulated was not excessive. That's great, i.e. no need to have the fluid aspirated (removed with a syringe).

The even better news is that the pathology report on the breast is out. There is only a 0.7cm diameter tumor left in the tissue. There is no cancerous cell detected in the lymph nodes. The chemotherapy has been effective and killed off practically all the cancer cells. Praise the Lord!

The effects of chemotherapy are wearing out too and I am less prone to fatigue. At least now my legs don't ache from just climbing up one flight of stairs.

Hear, O LORD, and be merciful to me; O LORD, be my help." You turned my wailing into dancing; you removed my sackcloth and clothed me with joy, that my heart may sing to you and not be silent. O LORD my God, I will give you thanks forever. Psalm 30:10-12

Recuperating

2008-09-25T22:41:00.005+08:00

It's been almost a week since my surgery last Wednesday. I am doing well and feeling good.

I was admitted at Mt Elizabeth hospital on at about 7.45am on Wed. My mum and Reuben accompanied me to hospital. We were shown to my ward on level 5 and the super efficient nurses came to ask questions, fill up forms, tag me, got me to change, sign consent forms etc.

At 8.30am another nurse and an orderly came with the "trolley" (?) and wheeled me to level 3 where the operating theatres were. I was wheeled in to OT at about 8.45am. Dr Karen Yap came and we had a chat while waiting for the anaesthetist, Dr Lai. He administered the anesthetic at 9.15am and I woke up about 12.45pm. My Dr, Karen Yap said the surgery went very well and I was in a very stable condition throughout.

After I was fully awake, they wheeled me back to the ward. A few friends came to visit but I was not able to manage much of a conversation. The IV drip with painkiller was left in my arm after surgery and removed only at 4 pm. Because of the drip, I was very groggy and drifted in and out of sleep. My mum woke me at 6 pm for dinner - I managed to eat the light meal of macaroni chicken.

My friend Nancy Ang who is an Occupational Therapist came and gave me some brochures and instructions on exercises for my arm. Karen Yap came to check on me, re-bandaged a part of the pressure dressing and checked the level of fluid in my drainage bottle. The family came to visit around 8pm - the kids, having checked that I was fine, settled down to watch TV - they left before 9pm.

During the night I was able to get up and go to the toilet assisted by the nurse. I managed to go to the toilet by myself in the middle of the night and again in the morning to brush my teeth and wash my face.

Thursday morning, Reuben and mum came at 7.30am and Karen Yap came about 8 am. After examining me she asked how I felt (I felt fine) and asked if I would like to go home! And so I was discharged at 11am and reached home 11.45am.

The drainage tube was removed yesterday and i only have to go back for a check up on Friday.

Thanks for your prayers.

Surgery Tomorrow!

2008-09-23T23:29:00.004+08:00

My mastectomy is scheduled for 9 am and will last about 2-2.5 hours. It will be at Mt Elizabeth Hospital which is where my surgeon Dr Karen Yap usually operates. I will stay in the hospital for 2 nights and should be home by Friday afternoon.

Tonight, Reuben prayed with the boys - David prayed that the Lord will get me through the surgery and Jonathan prayed that I will be healed. I prayed with Alisha and Janice - Alisha prayed that the surgery will go well and nothing will go wrong, Janice prayed that I will not be afraid... Aren't they precious?

I was reading Genesis chapter 3 with David and Janice a couple of weeks ago and we spoke of how Eve found it hard to believe God knows best. They both felt that my cancer was one of the things which made it hard to belive that God knows best. I was able to share with them God's good purpose and sovereignty.

Last week when I went to visit Dr Karen Yap to discuss the surgery. She explained what the mastectomy involved, options for reconstruction etc. With surgery imminent, I suddenly felt anxious and emotional about losing a part of my body. It took a couple of days to reconcile with it.

On Sunday a young man in church approached me after service and said God had prompted him to pray for me. Teck Tee is a medical student whom we don't know. I had met him once at the playground in church and the second time during friendship time. So we sat down and he read for me Psalm 23 and prayed for me. Reuben and I were very touched.

We know many of you are also praying for us - thank you!

Psalm 23
You, LORD, are my shepherd. I will never be in need. You let me rest in fields of green grass. You lead me to streams of peaceful water, and you refresh my life. You are true to your name, and you lead me along the right paths. I may walk through valleys as dark as death, but I won't be afraid. You are with me, and your shepherd's rod makes me feel safe. You treat me to a feast, while my enemies watch. You honor me as your guest, and you fill my cup until it overflows. Your kindness and love will always be with me each day of my life, and I will live forever in your house, LORD. (Contemporary English Version)

Birthdays!

2008-09-20T22:37:00.006+08:00

In the month of September we celebrate 2 birthdays in our family. David's on the 1st and and Janice's on the 20th. They are almost exactly 2 years apart. This year, David invited 4 friends to celebrate with us. We all went out for dinner at Marche in Vivo City followed by viewing of the movie Wall.E. After the movie, we came home for his ice-cream cake from Island Creamery. Then the boys played X-box until about 10pm when their parents picked them up. His classmate Justin was able to stay over until the next morning.

Today, 20th September, we celebrated Janice's birthday and invited 5 of her friends. We had a cooking party and the girls baked and decorated cupcakes and made individual servings of baked rice for their dinner. It was quite a fun party but a bit of a mayhem with excitable, screaming girls running around. Thankfully everything went well - no burnt food or fingers!

I am thankful for our friends Angeline & Nam from church, and Ling Ling who were such a help. Ling Ling brought her daughter Joshann who's the same age as Janice and she fitted in really well with the other girls.

Update on Surgery

2008-09-15T14:43:00.003+08:00

Last Thursday 11 Sep, morning I went to see my surgeon Dr Karen Yap at Mt Elizabeth Medical Centre to discuss about surgery. She also did a physical and ultrasound examination on the lumps. They have all shrunk and no new tumors have been discovered. PTL! We have scheduled my mastectomy on Wed 24 Sep 08 at Mt Elizabeth Hospital.

The surgery will remove my whole right breast, lymph nodes in the arm-pits and chest walls. After surgery I will need to do exercises to relieve the stiffness in my arm.

In the afternoon I went to see Dr Karmen Wong about my lingering cough and also to do a blood test. On Friday 12 Sep. Dr Wong called to say that the results were out and my white blood count and red blood count were both low.

This is cause for concern as white blood cells are important for immunity and a low level increases the risk of infection. Red blood cells are essential for carrying oxygen to parts of the body. A healthy level will minimise the need for transfusion. The level of platelets are also important for blood clotting after surgery.

So I went in for an Eprex injection (red blood cell booster). Normally our body (kidneys) produces erythropoietin which signals the bone marrow to produce red blood cells (RBCs). Eprex is a synthetic form of erythropoietin. I will have another Eprex injection this Friday, 19 Sep.

On Monday 22 Sep I will have a blood test again to assess fitness for surgery.

Please pray for:

my body to produce the necessary amount of red blood and white blood cells;
mental and emotional preparation for surgery for myself, Reuben and our kids;
recovery and healing of wounds;
adjustment to the physical changes after surgery.

Thank you for your encouragement, prayers and support.

We never give up. Our bodies are gradually dying, but we ourselves are being made stronger each day. These little troubles are getting us ready for an eternal glory that will make all our troubles seem like nothing. Things that are seen don't last forever, but things that are not seen are eternal. That's why we keep our minds on the things that cannot be seen. 2 Corinthians 4:16-18

Holidays

2008-09-10T21:30:00.004+08:00

Last week was our Term 3 school vacation and we decided to go to a beach resort for 3 days.

I walked with the kids on the beach, picked shells, read & napped on deck chairs under the shade. Reuben and the children enjoyed swimming and kayaking. They rowed all the way to a small island about 1km (by my estimation) away. They even went sailing - we paid RM30 for one of the staff at the water sports centre to take them. Digging in the sand, burying each other in sand, catching tiny sand crabs and hermit crabs kept the kids thrilled.

The forecast was for storms but thankfully the weather held up and we were able to spend 2 1/2 days out on the beach and poolside. In fact, because it was cloudy and overcast, the weather was relatively cool. It was deceptive though, because the sun was behind clouds so much of the time, the children refused sunblock and got sunburned. It was painful to see them burned and red the next day but it was a good lesson for them...

The only eventful thing was my falling sick on the second day. I had a slight cold before the trip but on our second night I woke up at 4 am with chills, coughing, and blocked sinuses. I had packed my thermometer, panadol, standby antibiotics so I took some panadol straight away. I'm much better now, just a slight post-nasal drip and cough.

5You, LORD, are all I want! You are my choice, and you keep me safe. 6You make my life pleasant, and my future is bright. 7I praise you, LORD, for being my guide. Even in the darkest night, your teachings fill my mind. 8I will always look to you, as you stand beside me and protect me from fear. 9With all my heart, I will celebrate, and I can safely rest.
Psalm 16:5-9 (Contemporary English Version)

Expectations vs Reality

2008-08-23T20:19:00.003+08:00

Day 4 after chemotherapy and the taste buds have gone all funny...

I'd been wanting some Boon Tong Kee chicken rice for a few days now, so we went out to get some. It smelt really good all the way home but when it came to eating it... everyone else enjoyed it except me. I guess the rice was not steaming hot by the time we got home but I could hardly even taste the rice... What a let down!

Graduation Day!

2008-08-22T16:48:00.002+08:00

I am so sorry for not having posted anything on this blog for 2 weeks. No... I am not depressed or sick. Just feeling lazy and have been busy.

Wednesday I had my 6th chemotherapy treatment. It was my Graduation Day from - so said my oncologist's nurses. I remember well when I was first diagnosed in April and the confusion Reuben, the kids and I experienced then. I am thankful to have reached this milestone - looking back, it does not seem so long. Also the path has been strewn with unexpected joys and blessings.

I must give credit to the nurses and staff at Dr KW's clinic - they have been encouraging, full of humour and kindness each time that I was there. It makes all the difference that the atmosphere in the clinic was pleasant and positive.

Will post more another time... nap time.

10 years!

2008-08-09T14:57:00.004+08:00

One of the good things that's come out of this cancer episode is renewal of friendships. Friends whom we have not seen in years have called, written, visited. This week 5 of my ex-colleagues from the then National Science and Technology Board (now A*Star) - Michelle, Li Choo, Betty, Pancy and Sushila came to visit. It was lovely to catch up with them and they all looked just the same!

I stopped work about 10 years ago after our son David was born. The decision to stop was not easy, I had been toying with the idea for months, maybe even years...

Having a job meant more money for the family of course, I also got a measure of identity and self-esteem from the job title. Although I always felt guilty about leaving the children in the care of my mum and maid, the pull factors for staying home were not as strong. My mum felt I should work because she always did and after having spent so much on my education, it was payback time. Anyway, she was around to "take charge" of things at home, etc etc.

My boss knew the dilemma I was in and offered me a part-time job after maternity. Unfortunately David was often sick, wheezing and coughing. Straight after I went back to work, he fell ill and had to be nebulised every 4 hours around the clock. Part time work just did not pan out and I resigned.

After resigning, we shared with Pastor Chris Chia about the sense of "insecurity" I felt over leaving the job. That was when he said "when you make a decision where you have to trust God more, it's a good decision". Like the Psalmist, we have tasted and testify that the Lord is good.

Psalm 34:1-10
I will extol the LORD at all times; his praise will always be on my lips.
My soul will boast in the LORD; let the afflicted hear and rejoice.
Glorify the LORD with me; let us exalt his name together.
I sought the LORD, and he answered me; he delivered me from all my fears.
Those who look to him are radiant; their faces are never covered with shame.
This poor man called, and the LORD heard him; he saved him out of all his troubles.
The angel of the LORD encamps around those who fear him, and he delivers them.
Taste and see that the LORD is good; blessed is the man who takes refuge in him.
Fear the LORD, you his saints, for those who fear him lack nothing.
The lions may grow weak and hungry, but those who seek the LORD lack no good thing.

This and That

2008-08-06T19:44:00.005+08:00

Yesterday I had a follow up visit to Dr MH the surgeon. The diverticulitis has cleared - no more pain and the colon is not "hard" when palpated. Sometime down the line, he wants to do a colonoscopy to check that there are no other underlying causes for the inflammation. Thank you Lord! I am able to eat normal food again although my appetite is still not good.

I had been warned that the cumulative effects of the chemo will make each succeeding cycle more difficult. I was pretty much knocked out last weekend - feeling faint, weak and lacking in energy.

Some new side effects - all the tips of my fingers, some toes and the sole of my feet feel "dull" or numb. Yet the soles of my feet were sore when walking. It felt like the fat and muscle layers in the soles had been squashed and become thin. Like worn out shoes there was no padding or "cushioning" effect and I could feel the bones jarring with each step.

It was hard to do just about anything including reading, praying, conversing (I yawned all the time! How rude!). I slept a lot more than usual during the day although I was sleepless the first couple of nights. My substitute had to take over the BSF class this week as I was not physically up to it. Praise God for enabling her.

Alisha, David and Janice have been having sore throat, runny nose and cough. Thankfully I am ok although my throat felt sore and my nose blocked for a couple of days.

Alisha's preparing for her PSLE (Primary School Leaving Examination) scheduled for 1st week of October. The preliminary exams will be held 18-22 Aug. We are thankful for my friends who are tutoring her and friends who are fetching her to tuition. She recently scored 82% (quite an achievement!) on a practice exam paper under exam conditions. Please pray for her as she prepares, that she will do her best, trust in the Lord and not be discouraged.

Reuben will be travelling again soon. He leaves for Sydney & Brisbane on Sunday 10 Aug night and returns Wednesday night. He'll be in Hong Kong 23-29 August and then India 5-8 September.

My brother Paul, Ai Vee my sis-in-law and their 3 kids Natasha 5, Felicia 3+ and Lucas 2+ are here on holidays from Mongolia where Paul is posted. It's a wonderful reunion for us and especially for the children who miss their cousins. The little ones asked "Aunty Doris, what happened to your hair?" They soon got used to seeing me bald though.

Songs of Faith

2008-07-31T21:10:00.001+08:00

Many beautiful songs and hymns are born of adversity, of pain and suffering. How will you know your faith is true if it is never tested? Some stuff that looks like gold will be revealed as plastic dipped in gold paint when it is put through fire.

A song that I've just discovered about rejoicing in God, not the circumstances.

"Rejoice in the Lord" By Ron Hamilton
God never moves without purpose or plan,
When trying His servant and molding a man.
Give thanks to the LORD, though your testing seems long,
In darkness, He giveth a song.

Chorus
O REJOICE IN THE LORD!
He makes no mistake
He knoweth the end of each path that I take!
For when I am tried and purified,
I shall come forth as gold.

I could not see through the shadows ahead,
So I looked at the cross of my Saviour instead.
I bowed to the will of the Master that day,
Then peace came, and tears fled away!

Now I can see testing comes from above,
God strengthens His children, and purges in love.
My Father knows best, and I trust in His care;
Through purging, more fruit I will bear.
You can watch a video and listen to the song on YouTube http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZyDOtcBX8M8

5th cycle

2008-07-30T20:24:00.002+08:00

My 5th chemotherapy session was scheduled for yesterday, but was postponed to today. Dr KW wanted me to go back to the surgeon to do an ultrasound measurement of the tumor to check if it was responding well to the drugs.

I recently read an article on breast cancer treatment, published in Scientific American, which my friend Corrie passed to me. The article traced the development of breast cancer treatment from the 19th century to now. Herceptin, the monoclonal antibody that is being used to treat my cancer has only been in use since 1998 but already studies have shown that cancer cells can develop resistance to it.

So to ensure that we were on the right track, it was best to check that my tumor is shrinking and not becoming resistant. My tumors have not completely disappeared but the 2 largest ones which were measure have certainly shrunk. My CEA tumor marker (Carcino-embryonic Antigen) has also gone down to the normal range of 3.7ug/L (normal is <4.7ug/L).

We rejoice to receive this good report. My blood count is marginally low. My red blood count is 3.35x10 to the power of 12/L (normal range is 4.2-5.4). As a result of the low red blood cells I tire more easily and pant just after climbing one flight of stairs! My white blood cell count is also low 3x10 to the power of 9/L (normal range is 4-10). So I am more susceptible to infections.

I'll be having my final chemo session on 20 Aug and surgery is scheduled for mid-end September. Blood count needs to be in the normal range for surgery to proceed.

Covet your prayers for:-

body to produce blood cells;
resistance to illness;
diverticulitis to completely subside so I can go back to eating normal food;
tumor cells to die and tumor to continue to shrink so the surgery will be uncomplicated.

Psalm 139:13-14 For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother's womb. I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well.

Suffering

2008-07-30T18:32:00.002+08:00

About a year ago, I was studying the book of Romans and mulling over the question of whether I had suffered. To me, suffering would include things like going through disasters, losing everything, having to endure interminable pain or illnesses. My life experiences did not really count as "suffering".

I asked Reuben whether he thought I had suffered in my life. He thought I had - loss of loved ones, financial crises, rejection by friends, disappointments and failures etc.

More recently a friend was pondering why I had to suffer cancer - is there some greater purpose?

Let me share with you some of my thoughts about suffering - some are just general observations, others are truths I learnt from the bible and I don't have complete answers yet.

Suffering is the common lot of man - everyone suffers. If you haven't ever suffered yet, it's only a matter of when and to what extent. Some suffering comes as a consequence of what we do - i.e. reaping what we sow. Others because of the actions of others since whatever we do impacts others even when we don't see it immediately (think drink driving, adultery's impact on families. climate change etc.).

Most suffering occurs because all is not well in our world. The bible says because of sin and enmity with God, our world is imperfect/fallen and everything is subject to decay. The bible says that the whole of creation is groaning as in birth pangs awaiting the day when things will be restored. As part of the created order, our bodies are decaying, we get sick etc.

The difference for me as a Christian is that when I go through suffering, I don't suffer alone. God is with me. This experience of walking through the valley of shadow of death has drawn me closer to God - knowing He is with me, experiencing His peace in turmoil, His strength in fear and weakness, seeing His hope in moments of despair. Appreciating His kindness and goodness daily. I also experience God's love poured out through the love of friends and loved ones.

The other thing the bible teaches me about suffering as a Christian is that it is not pointless nor hopeless. I may not see the point right now but I know the promises God has given. My suffering is temporary and will result in good. My suffering is God's way of molding me to be more like Jesus; He is building my character.

There are many lessons to be learnt through this journey - one of them is a reminder that although I may think I'm in charge, in reality I am totally dependent on God. My next breath could be my last. I'm reminded to live each moment in readiness that it could be my last.

I don't think my suffering is anything out of ordinary, or extreme, just "generic" suffering. I have friends who have very chronic, long term illnesses where there seem no end - they have it much harder.

I'm not saying that people who are not Christians do not endure or overcome life suffering well. The human spirit is tenacious and strong and I have seen many who have triumphed over their circumstances. The above is my personal belief which are anchored on promises in the bible.

Romans 5:2b-5 "We rejoice in the hope of the glory of God. Not only so, but we also rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and chareacter hope; and hope does not disappoint us because God has poured out His love into our hearts by the Holy Spirit whom He has given us."

God Will Take Care of You

2008-07-27T15:00:00.003+08:00

Some people asked at church today if I'd been unwell and therefore have not been updating my blog since last Thursday. I'm sorry to have caused concern but thank you for your concern.

Praise the Lord, I have been feeling well this week. In fact after the fever subsided, I've been feeling well. Just tired, lethargic and lazy... too lazy to update the blog... just doing the necessary from day to day. I do feel weaker physically, I get muscle ache after climbing up a flight of stairs and breathlessness after 2 flights. Was thinking that's what our elderly parents/in-laws feel when we try to make them walk at our pace... must be more sensitive to their needs.

I had a follow up appointment with the gastro surgeon, Dr Hoe, on Wed. The visit was encouraging - from what he could palpate, the inflammation in my ascending colon has subsided somewhat. There is still some firmness there so I'm on another course of antibiotics - Augmentin this time. I'm to remain on the soft diet (easily digestible food) with no fibre (i.e. novegetables and fruits) for another 2 weeks.

My mum attends Glory Presbyterian Church and each Thursday she meets with a group of elderly ladies for prayer, bible reading and visitation. Last Thursday about 12 of them (a vanful) came to visit me, accompanied by Pastor Yap. The visit was brief - just some short conversation, then they a hymn(God will take care of you) and they bowed in heart-felt prayer for me. Then off they went to visit another homebound senior in Ghim Moh and a critically ill member at NUH.

I was touched by their visit - some of them are in their 80s and struggled to climb up the stairs in my home but they came anyway just to bring words of encouragement and cheer. It puts me to shame - the last time I visited someone in hospital was in Janary 08.

God Will Take Care Of You
Be not dismayed whate'er betide, God will take care of you;
Beneath His wings of love abide, God will take care of you.

Chorus: God will take care of you, thro' everyday, o'er all the way;
He will take care of you, God will take care of you.

Thro' days of toil when heart doth fail, God will take care of you;
When dangers fierce you path assail, God will take care of you.

No matter what may be the test, God will take care of you;
Lean, weary one,upon His breast, God will take care of you.

Psalm 91:4 He will cover you with his feathers, and under His wings you will find refuge; His faithfulness will be your shield and rampart.
(in case you're wondering,a rampart or bulwark is a permanent, high, broad ,defensive and protective wall of a fortress - God's faithfulness is the source of our confidence).

Infection 2

2008-07-17T18:13:00.003+08:00

At 4.30 this morning, I woke up feeling different... I went to the bathroom to check my temperature and my fever had finally subsided - that's a relief!

I could tell Dr KW was not very "happy" yesterday that my fever was still a high of 38.5C despite having given me intravenous antibiotic (Avelox) on Monday. She ordered a full blood count - I will be hospitalised if there is no uptrend in the results despite having taken a white blood cell booster.

After giving my blood sample, I was sent up to Dr Michael Hoe the gastro surgeon to review CT scan of my abdomen an pelvis. He showed me that there was inflammation of the colon wall, reducing the opening to about 1cm diameter. Oral antibiotics (Flagyl) was prescribed to kill the anaerobic bacteria. For the next 2 weeks I am not to take vegetables and fruits! Instead my diet consists of easily digestible foods - white rice porridge, mee suah, etc. (Maybe I'll lose some weight with this diet...) My friend Susie sent me an e-mail with cantonese soup and porridge recipes. I looked up the internet and found a host of other information on diverticulitis diet.
(then again, maybe not...)

Another friend Alison Chong told me not to eat raw foods and leftovers since my immunity is low - why didn't I think of that before?

Infection

2008-07-15T20:50:00.003+08:00

Been feeling under the weather... feverish chills the last 2 nights kept me from sleeping soundly.

I took my temperature this morning - it was 38.6C so i popped 2 Panadol tablets and called Dr KW's clinic. "Please come in for blood tests". I got there about 11.30am and immediately had blood taken then waited for the results. I saw Dr KW at about 12.30pm - blood test results confirm an infection - white blood and red blood count both low.

Dr KW checked my throat and listened to my chest. She ordered intravenous antibiotics. I told her about my aches and pains, bleeding gums, fainting spells, abdominal pain. I hopped onto the couch and she checked my abdomen...

I've been having pain in the right side of my abdomen since Monday night. It's so tender all last night that even walking was painful... The location of the pain made her suspect appendicitis. Oh dear! I had to go and see a gastro surgeon a few stories up. Spent about 1/2 hour there reviewing history, then physical examination. He said it was suspicious but not conclusive - so I was sent to have a CT scan of the abdomen and pelvis. If the scan confirms appendicitis, we would have to have surgery immediately to take it out! The surgeon booked an operating theatre and booked me a room.

I was discouraged and tearing as I walked over to have the scan. I prayed that it will not be appendicitis. My friend Ling Ling heard i was at the doctors and came to keep me company. Reuben came later most upset that I may have to have surgery when my immunity is low.

After the scan it was back to Dr KW for my antibiotic drip and wait for the results of my CT scan. Reuben popped in to speak to her and she was most reassuring - we will only proceed with operation if absolutely necessary. Dr KW called the imaging department and spoke to the doctor - good news! I do not have appendicitis after all, I have diverticulitis and Dr KW added another antibiotic to my regime.

It's been a day of lows but God is good, he sent an my friend Ling Ling to sit with me and minister to me.

Cycle 4

2008-07-14T08:17:00.005+08:00

This latest cycle of chemo has hit me harder than the first 3...

Sleeplessness is a problem - the red blood cell booster causes aches and pains in the joints (back ribs for me) so getting a comfortable position to sleep is difficult. The soles of my feet hurt (?) and sometimes they feel swollen and heavy (they look ok though). My gums are bleeding and ulcerated, throat is sore.

My appetite's not good as expected but now I understand what others mean when they say their sense of taste and smell goes funny. Food does smell different and there is no urge to eat. I have to discipline myself and eat when it's time to eat. Hard to think of something I feel like eating though...

On Saturday morning I was trying to make some lunch while my helpers were doing gardening with Reuben. I suddenly felt faint and had to get on the floor to prevent a fall. As a teen, I used to have episodes of fainting but it hasn't happened for years... I was reminded of my human frailty.

Reuben's having a head cold. Alisha and David have been having sore throats and runny noses and Janice has a runny nose too... Do pray for protection against infection.

Do you like this colourful post? It's Janice's idea.

Psalm 73: 26 My flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever.

Insomnia

2008-07-09T22:13:00.002+08:00

Last night I suffered from insomnia (sleeplessness). Funny how all these conditions end with "-nia" must be some Latin root?

I lay in bed for a long time before finally falling asleep. Sometime in the middle of the night, I woke up to go to the toilet and although I was tired I just could not get back to sleep. So I got up at 4.40am and read the bible and prayed. Went back to bed at 5.30am and slept til 7 am. This afternoon I had a 1-2 hour nap.

Tempted to take the sleeping tablets but don't want to be in a daze tomorrow. I think I will stay off it. Praying for a good nights' sleep.

Psalm 4:8 I will lie down and sleep in peace, for you alone, O LORD, make me dwell in safety.

Reuben's Accident

2008-07-08T23:01:00.003+08:00

Today, Reuben had a minor accident while driving to work - he rear-ended the car in front which then rear-ended another car in front. We thank God that no one was hurt - the car he hit had 2 children in the rear seat but they were securely belted-up in their car seats. The accident was minor and repairs will be claimed through insurance.

Reuben says he's not sure how it happened, it just happened in a split second. I believe he is still under stress and has much on his mind.

In the book A Cancer Battle Plan, the author shares how friends can help support the cancer patient. A few pages (contributed by her husband) are devoted to caring for the carer (in my case, husband).

The suffering that a caretaker suffers is forgotten - especially the strong, silent husbands. They are involuntarily cast into a behind-the-scenes role, charged with keeping everything running smoothly. This can be a source of anxiety, stress, frustration and fear.

It is easy for the healthy ones to be overlooked. Some tips from the book about how friends can help give individualised attention and involvement:-

Let them know you care and are praying specifically for them,
Pray with/for them in person or over the phone,
Find out what would help them most,
Be willing to listen to their feelings and what they are going through,
Allow the person freedom to be himself - they would appreciate interaction and "normal" conversation - not necessarily about the cancer patient.

Reuben shared with me that while at church camp, the kids would all be happily sitting with their friends at meal times. He felt "lost" not having my company and when he sat down with friends at church, the conversation inevitably centers around my condition. He really did not have much opportunity to "air" or "ventilate" his feelings.

Do pray for Reuben to cast his anxieties on the Lord, to be able to sleep well each night. It is a time to trust in the Lord for everyting. We are learning to depend on Him more because we truly cannot do much at all. Pray for our sense of security to be anchored in Christ.

1 Peter 5:6-7 "Humble yourselves, therefore, under God's mighty hand, that he may lift you up in due time. Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you. "

Anaemia

2008-07-08T22:36:00.003+08:00

This last week I have been feeling a lot more tired than expected (based on experience of previous cycles). I felt sleepy and a bit "dull"-minded.

Today the blood test shows that my haemoglobin level has dropped from 12.0 g/dL three weeks ago to 10.4 (ref range 12.0-16.0 g/dL). The red blood cells (erythrocytes, platelets) are also lower than 3 weeks ago and lower than the minimum of the range.

The brochure Dr Wong gave says that the symptoms of me anaemia include: extreme weakness and tiredness, loss in concentration, headache, difficulty speaking (check all four) as well as shortness of breath, rapid heartbeat, dizziness or fainting, paleness.

I was still healthy enough to take the chemotherapy drugs. To counter the anaemia, DrWong gave me an erythropoetin (to boost the body's bone marrow's production) intravenously at the end of my chemo. I will also be taking liquid iron drops to increase my dietary iron. The erythropoetin costs $640 for one vial of 0.6 ml!

I am reminded that we can take many medicines and drugs for our illnesses but they may not always be effective. The healing of our bodies is from God as is spiritual healing.

Jeremiah 17:14 "Heal me, O LORD, and I will be healed; save me and I will be saved, for you are the one I praise."

Gift of Helps

2008-07-08T18:05:00.000+08:00

Many friends in church and BSF have offered practical help e.g. to do grocery shopping, send the children to various lessons and activities. As I do enjoy going out when I can and serving my family, i don't take up the offers very much.

Linda Teo, Tai Wan and Lee Ling between them now help send Alisha to and from Chinese and Maths weekly tuition. Vera, Joyce and Elaine have been sending me to and from blood tests and chemo. Others have helped on an ad hoc basis e.g. taking my mum to the doctor when she was coughing badly. Today, Vera and Say Kiat went shopping for fish for my family.

Having experienced great fatigue this past week I think I will begin to take up more of these offers. I've asked my friend Elaine Tan, from my BSF class who also attends our church ARPC, to be the manager/coordinator for transportation. If you are able to help either regularly or on an ad hoc basis, please let Elaine know. Her e-mail is: elainetan24@hotmail.com.

I usually do my grocery shopping once and week and my helper walks to Jelita to pick up essentials like milk or if we run short. If you are going grocery shopping and it is convenient to pick something up for us, please give me a call and I can give you a list of stuff I need.

These past weeks we have been blessed with homemade bread, cards and verses of encouragement, devotional books, honey, chocolates, flowers, a plant. Thank you for blessing me and my family with your gifts and acts of service. We thank the Lord in all our remembrance of you.

Romans 12:5-8 ...in Christ we who are many form one body, and each member belongs to all the others. We have different gifts, according to the grace given us. If a man's gift is prophesying, let him use it in proportion to his faith. If it is serving, let him serve; if it is teaching, let him teach; if it is encouraging, let him encourage; if it is contributing to the needs of others, let him give generously; if it is leadership, let him govern diligently; if it is showing mercy, let him do it cheerfully.

Lifestyle Changes 1

2008-07-06T16:48:00.006+08:00

Tuesday will be my 4th chemo cycle. The 5th and 6th are scheduled for 29 July and 19th Aug. Having come to the halfway point of chemotheraphy, i feel like i'm on the home stretch! After the final chemo, I'll have surgery sometime in September and after recovery, there will be 5 weeks of daily radiotherapy.

I was told by the surgeon I need to be healthy, strong and fit for surgery - so I'm trying to exercise more. Dr Kevin Kwok asked me to try and walk 30 mins EVERY morning AND evening. Having led a sedentary life for 40+ years, it's difficult to change - i manage to walk 3 times a week... *sigh* need to discipline myself more...

When we were in Melbourne, we stayed with Dr Peter Choong and his wife Kerry. Kerry is a very active woman, she does some form of exercise day - pilates, rowing, cycling, jogging. I need to take a leaf from her book. Kerry is a cancer survivor herself and she tells me she needs to do vigorous aerobic exercise otherwise her cancer markers will come up. So there's my motivation to exercise!

In chapter 5 - Maintaining Morale of A Cancer Battle Plan, the author gives a few attitudes that helped her develop "an emotional climate conducive to fighting the enemy (cancer)" and keep her spirits up:

Taking charge
Refusing to play victim
Saying "No" to slavery
Practicing thankfulness
Finding humour
Setting goals
"Your body is like a garden God has given you to take care of. Right now it's full of weeds (cancer). Your job until he reclaims the garden is to do your best at getting rid of the weeds and growing the good stuff. Failure is not found in giving the garden back (dying)-that's going to happen sooner or later-but in doing less than your best with it while it's yours."

I found the illustration helpful... my body is not my own, it belongs to God and my but I have a responsibility to take care of it, a stewardship. I should work to maintain a healthy body in order to do what God wants me to do.
That's not to say that those whose bodies are not "normal", "healthy" or "able" cannot serve God and God's purposes. They do in special ways and I think of Joni who became paralysed neck down in a diving accident http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4vIT1RB4lPI&feature and Nick Vujicic who was born with no arms or legs http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0DxlJWJ_WfA&feature .
For most of us, this body enables us to physically serve our families, others and God. As long as I have this body, I have a responsibility to care for and keep it healthy.
1 Corinthians 6:19-20 Do you not know that your body is a temple of the Holy Spirit, who is in you, whom you have received from God? You are not your own; you were bought at a price. Therefore honor God with your body.

Visitors

2008-07-05T17:35:00.009+08:00

L-R: Linda Tan, Sue Ping, Rosie, me, Linda Khoo, Ling Ling

My dear friends Rosie, Linda Khoo and Sue Ping came from Johor Baru to visit today. They started out around 6.30am, took a bus across the Causeway and then an MRT from Kranji to Buona Vista. Reuben and I picked them up then we stopped to pick some breakfast at Ghim Moh hawker centre. Linda Tan Lai Yin and Ling Ling who live in Singapore came to join us later. We had a wonderful time catching up, fellowshipping, eating and praying together. We laughed as we reminisced about our antics in school, our teachers, our years in church.

I have known these beautiful women since Standard 1 (Pri 1), except for Linda Tan who joined our school in Standard 6. We grew up together in Batu Pahat, a small town in Johor. I invited them to Sunday School and later Junior Youth Fellowship and Youth Fellowship. I used to ride my bike to Linda Khoo's place to take her to youth fellowship. She rode pillion on my bicycle! When Linda's family moved to Johor Baru, groups of us would descend on their home during the school holidays and then we would travel to Singapore together.

I thank God for these friends who journeyed with me in our early years as Christians. The love, joy and fellowship we shared then was so tangible, it attracted others to come and find out more.

I pray that each one of us will continue to faithfully walk with Christ; our love will overflow more and more; we will keep on growing in knowledge and understanding; live pure and blameless lives until the day of Christ’s return and be filled with the fruit of a righteous character produced in our lives by Jesus Christ to bring much glory and praise to God. Amen. (Philippians 1:8-11)

Been Busy

2008-07-02T23:51:00.010+08:00

Wow! a week has just flown by so quickly and I have not had a chance to post any updates. It's been a busy, packed week but a very pleasurable one! i was able to carry on with my daily routine - I never used to think that an achievement...

I took Janice to the opthalmologist on Thursday morning for follow up on her lazy eye. Her vision has improved and now she can read 1.5 lines more than before! The daily 3-hour patching has helped. In the afternoon Rachel came with biscuits and hand cream that she had gotten hubby Bernard to carry back from London. Late evening, the boys, Spyke and I took a walk to Ghim Moh to pick something up.

Lynette and Peter came laden with breakfast on Saturday morning - prata, chwee kueh, chee cheong fun, lor mai kai, yu cha kueh - we had a feast! Breakfast was followed by singing hymns and choruses with Lynette who has the most velvety, mellow alto voice.

In the afternoon I attended a lovely wedding and reception. Alice and Anna, whom we got to know in Brisbane when they were students there, were waiting for me when I got back from the wedding. Anna had baked a perfect orange chiffon cake which we had for tea. At night, I made 4 trays of baked rice - 2 for children's church on Sunday, one for my Indonesian helpers to take to bible study and one for home.

With all this food, it's no wonder I have actually put on weight (a little) since my diagnosis! I watch what i eat but I try to eat a bit more while I can to tide me over the days when the appetite goes.

Sunday was children's church family games day followed by a "pot-luck" lunch. It was really fun for parents, children and teachers to interact through games. I sat out the games but cheered from the sidelines. The games for upper primary children were organised by one of our church's Discipleship Groups. To the delight of all, these enthusiastic, energetic and creative singles planned the games around the theme of Kungfu Panda and all of them dressed up for the part! Thank you for making the games day so special for us.

Apart from all these, I had to prepare my BSF training for leaders and lecture for the class. 2 lessons from Matthew 12: Jesus says there is no neutral ground - you are either for or against him and Jesus defines his family: those who do the will of the Father; who hear his words and put them into practice/obey.

In a week like this, except for tiredness in the afternoons, necessitating a nap, it's easy to forget I am being treated for cancer.

In less than a week I'll be going for my 4th chemo cycle. I have to admit I don't look forward to the week immediately following chemo - dreading the "sick" feeling, mild though it has been. Yet I look forward to it as it is one step closer to the end of chemo!

Psalm 16:5-6
5 LORD, you have assigned me my portion and my cup;
you have made my lot secure.

6 The boundary lines have fallen for me in pleasant places;
surely I have a delightful inheritance.

Back to Work

2008-06-26T22:28:00.001+08:00

Tuesday was my first BSF class day in 8 weeks... I've missed my leaders and the ladies in my class. It was a joy to be back. I shared with the class about my cancer and treatment - it was an emotional time. Cancer is so common, several women in the class are undergoing treatment, some are in remission, others are caring for family members suffering from it.

Our lesson was on Matt 11 - Jesus reassures John the Baptist, warns the unrepentant and promises the weary rest. Timely reminders that while circumstances might cause us to doubt and question, our hope and security is not dependent on circumstances, experience, feelings but solidly anchored in scripture. It's a comfort that I am yoked with Jesus' - His yoke is easy and his burden is light because He bears it with us.

Matt 11:28-30 "Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light."

Answered Prayers

2008-06-24T20:24:00.005+08:00

It's been a few days since i blogged (is that even a proper verb?). As usual in the first week of chemo cycle, I have been feeling very tired... maybe a little more than previous rounds. Hmm... I'm wondering if it has to do with a lower red blood count. Frequent trips to the toilet during the nights does not help fatigue of course. Thankfully the infection is clearing.

For each chemo cycle, I notice that I generally am able to eat well until day 3 or 4 and then the appetite goes, tummy feels less comfortable, mouth tastes funny etc. That is when I have to consciously eat and drink - an act of the will. I am unable to eat big meals as it makes me feel queasy so I have to eat more often which is not very "convenient".

Sometimes all i feel like eating is cream crackers dunked in hot coffee (comfort food from childhood). But since I've stopped drinking coffee, i dunk them in hot green tea and soy milk (doesn't taste the same though). On Sunday, I had a special treat, Reuben stopped at Burger King and bought me a Double Whopper which smelt great and tasted just as good. I could only eat just more than half and he had the rest.

On day 6 of the cycle (Sunday) I start getting diarrhoea which will last till day 10/11. This is an uncomfortable time. On Sunday night I was going to the toilet so often I worried about not sleeping well. So i prayed specifically for relief and God was gracious to answer my prayers - I slept from 11pm to 6am without getting up at all. I was refreshed and able to carry on with my BSF leaders meeting. This happened again on Monday, my tummy was upset all day but at night, in answer to prayer, I had relief throughout the night.

A friend of mine once shared that her husband, who was seeking spiritual truth, asked her how she knew God exists. She asked me what i would have said and i spoke at length about how the complexity of the world, of life convinces me that things did not come about by chance etc. I asked what she told her husband. Her reply? "I just told him i know God is real because He answers my prayers." Wow, such simple but profound faith.

Indeed God hears and answers the prayers of His beloved children. He has heard all the petitions being raised up for me, been gracious to me and given me relief and good results from he treatment. Praise the Lord!

Psalm 6:9 The LORD has heard my cry for mercy; the LORD accepts my prayer.

Family Service

2008-06-24T20:11:00.003+08:00

Last Saturday, Alisha went out for a movie (Prince Caspian) with her best friends Vanessa and Agnes. They were accompanied by Lauretta (spelling?) one of their teachers from Children's Church. After the movies they went to church for rehearsals as they were taking part in the family service on Sunday. After their rehearsals, Vanessa and Agnes came for a sleep over.

We had a simple meal of spaghetti bolognese and salad for dinner. I went to bed at 10, woke up at 12, went back to bed and woke up at 2 and then finally had a good 4 hours sleep til 6am. I woke up refreshed and drove all the girls to church for the Family Service rehearsal before returning home for the rest.

Our church has family service once every 2 months. This is when ALL the children join us in the main service and the format of the service is tailored to cater to all age groups. Usually families (dad, mum & kids) in the church will take turns to lead the service. This last service was led by the Children's Church leaders and children. We had special items from the children and the teachers.

Instead of a sermon, the teaching time was a skit styled after "Are you smarter than a P6er?" presented by the P6 children and teachers. It was a hilarious time, but it creatively reminded us that the proper response to God and His Word is not pride or apathy but humility, repentance and child-like faith.

Alisha was involved in the skit and Janice was doing back-up singing for both services. They enjoyed themselves. The family service is a visual (and aural) reminder that God's family is diverse in its make up. We need to embrace the diversity, welcome, come alongside, bear and forbear, encourage one another. The service also helps me appreciate the creativity and passion of the teachers and children who dare think outside the box. It also helps us get out of our comfort zone and humbles us to know there are many ways to do things, my way is not the only way nor the best.

Luke 18:15-17 People were also bringing babies to Jesus to have him touch them. When the disciples saw this, they rebuked them. But Jesus called the children to him and said, "Let the little children come to me, and do not hinder them, for the kingdom of God belongs to such as these. I tell you the truth, anyone who will not receive the kingdom of God like a little child will never enter it."

Updates

2008-06-21T12:24:00.002+08:00

Alisha and David both came in second place for their age groups in the golf competition they played in yesterday. Janice played in the first day and did not qualify for the second day (finals). She says she played very badly! 5 of her balls went into water.

Yesterday morning, I went back to Dr Karen Yap to do an ultrasound of the tumor and lymph nodes. Praise the Lord, all the tumors have shrunk. Will probably schedule the mastectomy in September.

At noon I went to see my friend Wai Pek about this bony spur next to my molar which was causing my gum problems. She managed to snip it off and now the gum line is closing up again. Phew!

Today I feel extremely tired. Janice (sitting next to me) says "exhausted" is a more appropriate word. I know I have plenty that needs to be done but just didn't feel energetic enough to even to begin. Well, I had some sweet soy bean and some sweet cranberry and I feel a bit better.

Time for lunch!

Children's News

2008-06-19T20:57:00.005+08:00

The 4-week school holidays are coming to an end... The children will be returning to school on Monday. We were constrained in our holiday plans this year because of my illness. They spent 5 days with Reuben and Reuben's dad at church camp in Melaka.

Our kids have been kept pretty busy during the holidays though. During the holidays they still had to attend their tuition (Chinese for all, maths for Alisha), golf lessons and practice for all four, piano lessons for the girls. They also had an outing with Karen Lim and her kids to ice-skating, bowling and swimming. David and Alisha were invited by Nora and Sharin for a workshop to make a scrapbook.

Yesterday and today Jonathan played in the Standard Chartered Seletar Junior Golf Championship, representing his home club (Keppel). The competition was held in Seletar Golf Club (northern Singapore). Over the 2 days, he played well and came in first place for nett score 71/68 (Jon played 5 strokes lower than his handicap of 17.8), bringing home a crystal trophy. Jonathan shared with us that during the last 9 holes, he shot an "arrow" prayer, took a deep breath before taking each shot. He was very encouraged to play his lowest round of golf in a competition.

Today, Alisha, David and Janice played in a different golf competition in Changi (eastern Singapore). Alisha and David are both playing in the final round (top 4 players in their age group) tomorrow. Updates tomorrow.

Lows and Highs

2008-06-19T20:41:00.005+08:00

These past 2 days after cycle 3 of chemo, I feel physically more tired than before... I woke up early yesterday and today but managed to get a nap of 3 hours yesterday and an hour today.

My last urine test on Monday showed I have UTI (urinary tract infection) - Dr KW took a urine culture on Tuesday and the results came out today. I had to return to the clinic to get the results and a course of antibiotics. The scary thing is, I have an E. Coli (very common bacteria) infection that is resistant to 5 different antibiotics! So now I have added Cranberry juice (which helps fight UTI) to my list of things to eat/drink... *sigh* there are only so many hours in a day and so many different supplements, helpful stuff to eat and drink.

My friend Dr Un Wai Pek felt that I sounded "down" in my last few blog entries... I guess it's easy to feel down when my body does not seem to work quite as well as it usually does. I feel a bit slower and more easily tired. Plus the increased trips to the toilet. As the side-effects kick in, I do feel less comfortable, more queasy, have less appetite.

The distractions of visitors does help lift my spirit. 3 members of my music team: Karen, Lyn-Li and Yin came to visit yesterday. After tea, we had a session of singing - it was beautiful to make music together. Certainly something I want to do more of. Lin Choo (my BSF teaching leader from 1999 to 2006) came to visit today and prayed with me. My mum's friend from church came to visit with fruits, Wai Pek dropped by today with fresh muffins for the family... Thank you all so much!

I am returning to teach BSF class next week. Having the focus of something meaningful to do also keeps me going. Do pray for me as I embark on this - Dr KW has given me the green light but asked me to make adjustments to guard against infection.

A verse that encouraged me this week:

1 Peter 5:10 And after you have suffered a little while, the God of all grace, who has called you to his eternal glory in Christ, will himself restore, confirm, strengthen, and establish you.

Richard Chiam

2008-06-17T22:44:00.004+08:00

I was pleasantly surprised to discover that some friends (and friends of friends) have stumbled upon my blog this past week because they were searching for information on Richard Chiam.

I am happy to announce that Richard is out of high dependency ward and transferred to a normal ward. He's able to carry on a conversation, read etc. However he is experiencing some disorientation and also is uncomfortable and restless. He was removing the dressing from his skull-less head!

A blog has been started to inform and update on Richard's condition: http://fobhug942.blogspot.com/

Please continue to go on your knees to pray for a full recovery for Richard and God's comfort and strength for his wife Gracie and his parents.

Cycle 3

2008-06-17T21:58:00.003+08:00

I went to the oncologist today for cycle 3 of chemotherapy. My appt was for 10.30am but being kiasu and hoping to see the doctor earlier, i turned up before 9.00am. Turns out today was an extremely busy day and the doctor started clinic late. Every patient had at least one person accompanying them. One frail elderly man had daughter, wife and maid with him. A few had 2 children coming along as they did not speak English and the children had to comunicate with the doctor, explain instructions etc. You can imagine how crowded the waiting room was! I finally saw the doctor at about 11am.

Good news! My CEA Cancer Marker (Carcino-Embryonic Antigen) has gone down. The normal range is 0-4.7 ug/L. The results have gone down from 16.6 ug/L before cycle 1, to 12.9ug/L before cycle 2, to 6.5ug/L today! The lump is also much more diffuse and feels more normal. I will go for an ultrasound investigation on Friday to check the size of the tumors. My white blood count was good but the total red blood count (red blood cells, haematocrit and platelets) was marginally below the normal range.

Hearing of my long wait at the doctor, our cousin Rachel decided to bring me some pie, cookies and horlicks. Vera, who had offered to drive me home, came at about 12 with sandwiches, only to find me just about to start chemo. I finally started the chemo infusion at 12pm and it ended at 3.45pm. I made good use of the 3 hours by doing bible study and meditating. Joyce was there to take me home at 4pm.

After such a long day at the clinic, I felt exhausted. After having some tea, I still managed to play a game of scrabble with the kids. Well, going to bed now.

Songs of Faith - Trust His Heart

2008-06-16T22:46:00.003+08:00

Last week my sister-in-law Amanda sent me a book An Uninvited Guest by Jeana Floyd, about the author's journey with cancer. In this book, I discovered that it was 19th century preacher Charles Haddon Spurgeon who said, "God is too good to be unkind, too wise to be mistaken, when we cannot trace His hand, we can always trust His heart."

Some years ago, I learnt a song containing those words in the chorus and it really struck a chord in my heart. Today my friend Margaret sent me an e-mail with the lyrics of this song to encourage me. The words of the song are not wishful thinking, just being optimistic or thinking positively.

In my experience of my walk with God (and I've gone through good and bad), He has proven Himself trustworthy, faithful, good. I know I can rest securely in His care even if all around me is a raging storm and even if my body fails. I pray the song encourages you too.

Trust His Heart (Sung by Babbie Mason)
All things work for our good,
Though sometimes we can’t see how they could.
Struggles that break our hearts in two;
Sometimes blind us to the truth.
Our Father knows what’s best for us;
His ways are not our own.
Sowhen your pathway grows dim,
And you just don’t see Him,
Remember He’s still on the throne.

Chorus:
God is too wise to be mistaken,
God is too good to be unkind.
So when you don’t understand,
When you don’t see His plan,
When you can’t trace His hand,
Trust His heart.

He sees the Master plan;
He holds the future in His hands.
So don’t live as those who have no hope -
All our hope is found in Him.
We walk in present knowledge;
But He sees the first and the last.
And like a tapestry,
He’s weaving you and me
To someday be just like Him.

You can hear the song on YouTube http://youtube.com/watch?v=vh65wLVbaww

David's Thoughts

2008-06-16T22:06:00.009+08:00

During the church camp, Reuben had opportunity to ask David (our 9+ year old) to share his feelings and thoughts about my having cancer. This is what Reuben recalls of the conversation with David. David said he was sad and happy.

"... sad because mum has cancer and she may die. But happy because James 1:2 tells us to be happy even when we face trouble. Job lost everything but did not curse God. Job suffered so much more but he still had God."

This is the child who surprised me when, as a pre-schooler, he told me Solomon was like the wheat sowed among weeds. He had put Jesus' parable of the seeds scattered on different soils together with the story of how Solomon's devotion to God's dissipated with his increasing wealth and wives! As a stay-home-mum, striving to teach and model godliness, these glimpses of the children's growing understanding bring untold joy.

James 1:2-4 (NIRV) My brothers and sisters, you will face all kinds of trouble. When you do, think of it as pure joy. Your faith will be put to the test. You know that when that happens it will produce in you the strength to continue. The strength to keep going must be allowed to finish its work. Then you will be all you should be. You will have everything you need.

Comfort Food

2008-06-16T22:06:00.008+08:00

My dear friend Elizabeth who's a true blue Aussie made this observation after reading my blog,

"i must say i have always known it, but if ever it was doubted yr case proves the point...Chinese use food as such a tool for socialising and as a comfort and celebration. U have been given so many delicacies. i guess its true food soothes the weary spirit. It must certainly make you feel loved. i love to think of all your caring friends spoiling you. Food for the soul. You are so dearly loved by many."

I have truly been so blessed to be loved by so many. It's not just food or your gifts, but your love and concern expressed in e-mails, text messages, phone calls, prayers mean a lot to me and my family. In fact it makes me feel ashamed because to date, I have loved so poorly but am loved so richly. It's a small picture of God's grace - God's kindness, riches and goodness to the utterly undeserving. 2 Corinthians 8:9 For you know the grace of our Lord Jesus Christ, that though he was rich, yet for your sakes he became poor, so that you through his poverty might become rich.

Last week, Eileen came with healthy frozen fish for me. Alyssa sent flowers. Our friend Erin sent a beautiful coffee table book of Colorado for our enjoyment.

Elaine came this morning, arms laden with chocolate cake and banana cake for the family, to drive me to the doctor's clinic for a blood test. Then we had breakfast at Dome in Dempsey Road, it was a nice and quiet spot which was great for conversation.

When I got back, my friend Shiao Yin was at my place with doughnuts for the kids. I only met SY a few months ago at church and after a short conversation, we've been communicating by SMS mostly. Despite promising to meet for coffee, we never did get around to it... until today. It was good to be able to share from the heart about our Christian walk.

In the evening, my mum's friend from Glory Presbyterian came to visit and brought chinese pears. She also wanted to assure me of her prayers.

Friends

2008-06-14T22:06:00.002+08:00

Reuben and I moved to Singapore from Brisbane Australia in 1991. Reuben came first in January and started work while I came in Jul as I had to finish off my studies. At that time, our plan was to stay a couple of years... We've now lived 17 years in Singapore! How quickly time passes.

Several of our friends who studied in Brisbane also returned to work in Singapore in '91. In our first year here, we used to meet our returnee friends monthly for bible study, fellowship and eat together. Over the years, as we settled down and life became more hectic, the meetings became fewer and farther apart.

Today we managed to catch up with a couple whom I have not seen since 1991. Our friend Dr Weber Lau, a urologist in SGH came by to visit, encourage and pray for us. He also brought a book for me. In the afternoon, I went to see his wife Dr Gan Ai Tee, a dentist to check on the ulcer in my gum.

In the evening our friend Loh Seng Yee came to visit and have a quick dinner with us. He had moved to London with his family at the end of 2007 for a job posting. He brought us biscuits from London, a beautiful hat picked by his wife Joyce for me and gift vouchers (so practical!). We first got to know Seng Yee and Joyce through the children's swimming lessons, then Joyce became their piano teacher and our friendship grew from there...

We thank God for the loyalty and "stickability" of friends and loved ones in good and difficult times. Thank you for your prayers, encouragement and practical help. Thank you especially for reminding us of the Lord.

In God's Hands

2008-06-13T22:49:00.004+08:00

Praise the Lord! I have to tell you the good news!

Our friend Richard who underwent 2 emergency surgeries has regained consciousness. He is able to recognise his family, able to move his limbs. Praise the Lord for hearing and answering our prayers to preserve his life!

My friend LL was extremely ill last year with cancer and was bedridden for a while. The cancer is now in remission. Although weak physically, I was overjoyed to see that she was able to go for a short overseas holiday with her husband, attend church camp, drive. The Lord was pleased to grant us our petition to preserve her life and she says,

"...we pray for the grace of GOD for extended time, it is not the doctors who can tell us how long we live, they cannot extend our life, not even for a single day. Our times are in His hand so we beseech our LORD for His favour to our heart’s desire. Actually the next question (s) I should ask myself is …why should the LORD give me the extended time and what would He want me to do with the extended time and will I do as He wish. The LORD is teaching us all the time because HE loves us."

Amen!
Psalm 119:88 "Preserve my life according to your love, and I will obey the statutes of your mouth."

Long Day

2008-06-13T22:33:00.003+08:00

I remember Reuben asking Dr KW at my first chemo whether I should isolate myself for the duration of chemo treatment. She said that I should carry on living as normally as possible - with allowances for fatigue etc. She said it was ok for me to go to church but advised I sit at the side, not in the middle of the congregation. I asked "I can still have a social life?" and, to my delight, she said "Of course!"

I've been careful, avoiding crowded places. When I do go out to church or shopping centres I would wear a mask. Thankfully I am not overly self-conscious even with my mask and hat on. I do enjoy being out and about, doing things with and for the children rather than beeing cooped up at home all the time.

Today I had a long outing. All our 4 children took part in a junior golf competition at Warren Golf CC. Jonathan and Alisha played 18 holes in the handicap division. David played a 3-hole PC competition and Janice participated in the skills contest. None of them won any prizes but we were especially proud of Alisha as it was her first time playing 18 holes at Warren - long course.

We woke up at 6 am, left the house at 7 am and did not get home til about 4 pm because the competition was rain delayed and we stayed for the lunch and prize giving. I was so exhausted at the end and was nursing a headache, on arrival home, i just went to bed for two and a half hours. This has been my longest outing since my diagnosis. Have to be careful not to overdo things.

Just after we arrived home, my friend Janet Koh came by to deliver a gift. Janet and Ruth Seah had bought me a hamper full of organic foods (thank you!). Thank you all our dear friends for anticipating and meeting our needs.

Songs of Faith - Amazing Grace

2008-06-12T10:00:00.005+08:00

Our friend Dr Kevin Kwok read that I was not sleeping well because of aches and pains. When he said he was coming over with something to help me sleep, I thought he was bringing me some sedatives. Instead, he surpised me with a rug made of Farabloc - supposed to relieve aches and pains - not quite sure if it'll work but it's worth a try. You can Google find out more info about Farabloc.

I've used the rug for 2 nights now, sleeping better but a bit restless in the night. So still a bit heavy lidded in the day.

Kevin also shared with me his latest favourite song - Amazing Grace (My chains are off). It's the same hymn with new tune and an additional chorus added. Lyrics below and you can hear it on YouTube http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cyFxArMeRDI. Beautiful hymn that never ceases to touch my heart.

Amazing grace! How sweet the sound
That saved a wretch like me
I once was lost, but now I'm found
Was blind, but now I see

'Twas grace that taught my heart to fear
And grace my fears relieved
How precious did that grace appear
The hour I first believed

My chains are gone
I've been set free
My God, my Savior has ransomed me
And like a flood His mercy reigns
Unending love, Amazing grace

The Lord has promised good to me
His word my hope secures
He will my shield and portion be
As long as life endures

My chains are gone
I've been set free
My God, my Savior has ransomed me
And like a flood His mercy reigns
Unending love, Amazing grace

The earth shall soon dissolve like snow
The sun forbear to shine
But God, Who called me here below
Will be forever mine
Will be forever mine
You are forever mine

Living and Dying

2008-06-10T22:29:00.004+08:00

In the day-to-day busy-ness of life, it's easy to think that there will always be tomorrow, next week, month and year. In reality though, our lives are fragile and there is no certainty that there will be a next hour let alone next year.

Soon after I was diagnosed with cancer, I read in the papers about a breast cancer survivor who, on her way home from dragon boat practice, was knocked down by a car and killed instantly. She survived cancer to die in an accident.

On Saturday, I went to the funeral wake of Andrew Ong's mum. She had been suffering from cancer for a couple of years and undergoing treatment. Her family did not expect her condition to suddenly deteriorate and pass on so quickly.

While at the wake, Reuben called from the church camp in Melaka to tell me that our friend Richard Chiam, who had been nursing a headache for 3 days, had lost consciousness. At the hospital, they discovered a hemorrhage in the skull and he underwent emergency surgery. He was airlifted back to Singapore when his condition stabilised. Last night he underwent another surgery because the bleeding had not stopped and the doctors have not found the source. In situations like these, even the doctors are powerless to help. We can only pray for him, his wife Gracie and his family.

How should I live knowing that this day may be the last? How ready am I to face my maker? These are important questions to ponder...

Phil 1:18b-21 " Yes, and I will continue to rejoice, for I know that through your prayers and the help given by the Spirit of Jesus Christ, what has happened to me will turn out for my deliverance. I eagerly expect and hope that I will in no way be ashamed, but will have sufficient courage so that now as always Christ will be exalted in my body, whether by life or by death. For to me, to live is Christ and to die is gain."

Catching Up With Old Friends

2008-06-09T21:26:00.006+08:00

Wow! the weekend went quickly. I had a good break and some extended quiet times. I felt energetic today and was able to make cheesecake for dessert - a surprise for the family and to welcome them back.

The family returned from church camp at 3pm. They all enjoyed themselves very much although Reuben was a bit stressed with keeping tabs on the kids. The children had extended time to spend with their friends. Reuben found the talks relevant, meaningful and comforting; and the sharing encouraging and uplifting. Camps are great for extended time of fellowship and getting to know others.

This past weeks since my diagnosis, God has been giving me opportunities to catch up with old friends. Lynette, my dear friend and flatmate in Australia drove me to one of my check ups with Dr Wong. She waited with me and then we had a good talk over lunch.

Yesterday I met our friends Young and Wilson Quilindo at church. They used to live in Singapore about 7 years ago and were part of my music team at church - Wilson is great on the guitar and Young sings. Now based in New York City, they were in town to visit family. We had lunch and then came to have coffee at our house.

Yesterday evening Amy and Chong Kiat came to visit. I used to sing with them in their group the Cross Connection - that's where I learnt how to sing contemporary style. Before that, I only knew how to sing "choir style" because of my many years in school and church choirs. I miss singing in a group and hearing the harmony of the parts... sends chills down my spine. I think that's one of the things I will start doing again soon.

Lynette Lo, Chong Kiat's sister, calls regularly to ask after me and talk even though her own health is not tip top. She even made lemon grass tea for me and delivered it when she read that it's good for killing cancer cells.

My old childhood friends from BP came to visit and pray for me after my first chemo. Although we all live quite near each other in Singapore, we don't see each other often (once in 2-3 years?). Ling Ling has been to my place several times now to help me with insurance matters and calls to encourage me. Each time she comes laden with food for the family. My friend Ps Leslie makes time to fast and pray for me.

It's been a full week - praise God for each day lived to the full.

Sleepless in Singapore

2008-06-07T09:38:00.004+08:00

Last night I had trouble sleeping. After tossing and turning for what seemed like ages, I finally fell asleep but woke up at 3 am and was unable to sleep again til 6 am and then phone rang at 8.30am.

I'm feeling sleepy but when I lay in bed, sleep does not come. Today a bit more aches and pains especially in my shoulder (bad posture!) and the pain does not go away even when I'm lying down. Hmmm could it be a side effect of the chemo? I was told by a friend that she has nerve damage from chemo and now her toes and fingers are numb.

Please pray for sleep tonight and protection of my nerves. Must go out and buy Neurobion - a supplement that protects the nerves.

Antibiotics

2008-06-06T22:31:00.004+08:00

Today I woke up with my left maxillary sinus blocked and my frontal sinuses hurting. The slight cough I've had since 2 weeks ago seemed more irritating than ever. Did not sleep so well. *sigh* time to start eating the antibiotics that Dr KW had given me on standby. Was hoping it would not be necessary.

The ulcer in my gum is healing, feels less painful and the "wound" is getting smaller. I did not have to take drastic action of brushing till it bleeds and salting it.

I am eating well again, the woozy feeling is gone and even my abdomen is not twisting and turning. Praise God for big and small blessings. My God is a Red Sea-splitting God.

Isaiah 43:1b-2 "Fear not, for I have redeemed you; I have summoned you by name; you are mine. When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and when you pass through the rivers, they will not sweep over you. When you walk through the fire, you will not be burned; the flames will not set you ablaze."

Love Outpoured

2008-06-06T21:26:00.009+08:00

I am so thankful for all my friends. Especially the beautiful extended Christian family I have from church and BSF. You have been such a blessing to me and to my family.

Since my diagnosis to now, we have received much love in the form of practical help and been well fed physically, emotionally and spiritually. Some of what we received this week:

Last Friday - Karen Lim took my brood of 4 with her own 3 to ice-skating, lunch, bowling and swimming.

Sunday - Chiew Wan, Nam and Angeline came to visit, bringing ice-cream, juice, eyebrow pencil to teach me how draw it; Susan dropped an eyebrow template in my mailbox (hah, it will be easy peasy to draw it!); Hazel brough chicken essence.

Monday - Vera took Jonathan, who'd sprained his ankle, and David to a chinese sinseh for massage, followed by McDonalds and ice cream from Island Creamery. Joyce brought ice cream from Daily Scoop. My friend Diane and her family drove from KL just to visit and pray, bearing organic dragon fruit and freshly made noodles.

Tuesday - Siang Hwa came with cookies and to certify something for me.

Wednesday - Siang Hwa again with chlorhexidine and supplements.

Thursday - Mona Chia came to visit with me, bringing lychee and mangoes and prayer.

Today - my friend Carol called from Melbourne. Siew Lian brought grapes, papaya, and a whole fresh fish! 4 of my friends from BSF Bukit Batok, Vera, Joyce, Tai Wan, Alison brought lunch - salad, prawns, baked fish, cauliflower soup, char siew, bread, cakes, papaya, pears. We had a feast!

Christine See brought me a book by Philip Yancey on Prayer, a pouch that Kurt (her son) had personalised for me! Kah Choo sent me a bottle of concentrated birds nest, Grace Seow sent fruits. My music team at church sent me a hamper with chicken essence, fish essence, birds nest. I've also been loaned an Omega juicer by Hao Hsing. 2boxes of surgical masks came from Adrian and Esther and Yeap. Jaime & Hang brought cakes and a Bible in MP3 format. Laura Yan cooked white fungus with lotus and gingko seeds.

I have been loaned and given books Cancer Battle Plan Linda, Hope for the Journey through Cancer from Clem and Ailin, When It Pours He Reigns from my sister in law Amanda, books on juicing etc.

I want to thank and acknowledge each of you but if I missed missed your name, it's not that I don't appreciate you. Thank you for pouring out love for us. We long to have opportunity to bless you in return.

Down Times

2008-06-05T20:03:00.005+08:00

At the end of last week and beginning of this, I felt quite bad. As i said, the side effects are not very severe but drains energy, enthusiasm. Some days i did not feel like reading the bible, did not feel like praying. Thank God for hymns I learned and memorised through Sunday School and years in the choir which help remind me of the Lord.

I've also been reading a book, In the Likeness of God (originally published as 2 books - Fearfully and Wonderfully Made and In His Image), which my sister-in-law Pauline gave me. This is an awe-inspiring page turner (highly recommended!) co-authored by the late Dr Paul Brand, world-renowned hand surgeon and leprosy specialist, and Philip Yancey.

I love the way they examine the design and describe the beauty of the human body. The body which I take for granted is wonderfully designed, each cell, each organ is perfectly suited for its function in the body.

They then examine what the analogy of the church as the body of Christ means.

"The body is one unit, though it is made up of many cells, and though all its cells are many, they form one body... If the white cell should say, because I am not a brain cell, I do not belong to the body, it would not for that reason cease to be part of the body.... If all cells were the same, where would the body be? As it is there are many cells but one body." (Paraphrase of 1 Cor 12:12-20 replacing organs with cells)
"That analogy conveys a more precise meaning to me because though a hand or foot or ear cannot have a life separate from the body, a cell does have that potential. It can be part of the body as a loyalist, or it can cling on to its own life. Some cells do choose to live in the body, sharing its benefits while maintaining complete independence - they become parasites or cancer cells."

2 Down, 4 to Go

2008-06-05T14:22:00.007+08:00

After a few days of "down time", I am glad to report that I am keeping well and praise God, the fatigue for day 8-10 is over and I am more energetic again.

It's exactly a month since I started chemotherapy, 2 down, 4 to go. When I saw Dr Wong on 20 May, 2 weeks after chemo and feeling quite well, I asked whether she could make the cycles shorter. Instead of chemo once every 3 weeks, how about doing chemo fortnightly and that way i could be over and done with them in 12 weeks instead of 18!

Unfortunately the answer was "No". Every chemo drug has its own half-life (time that it takes for the body to remove 1/2 the infused drug from the body). So we cannot compare chemotherapy regimen from person to person (some daily, others fortnightly etc). It all depends on what cancer, what stage, what type of cells and what the cells are susceptible to. As the drugs that I'm taking have a long half-life, they stay in the body longer and therefore I can only take them every 3 weeks. *Sigh* I cannot have my way about this...

Sometimes I feel like a child on a long road trip, asking constantly, "Are we there yet? When are we going to get there?" I pray for patience, perseverance, endurance for the journey. Some parts of this journey is difficult and slow to pass, the waiting is difficult... A friend who was treated for naso-pharyngeal cancer a couple of years ago shared the pain and suffering she endured... To date, i have suffered very minor side effects so I shall not whine... but I'd like to just share some of it with you.

Sunday night I was starting to have abdominal pains and runny stool. Monday morning I woke up feeling a bit queasy. After drinking a BIG mug of fresh juice - broccoli-carrot-apple-bittergourd-tomato-capsicum (imagine the taste and smell!) I felt even more uneasy! I was restless, so i started chopping and cooking a cream of vegetable soup for lunch (my kids love "ang-moh" style soup).

At 11.30am I felt hungry as I still had not eaten breakfast. The slight nausea had not passed. Finally went to take a few sips of water and that was what opened the flood-gates!

Thankfully after throwing up, I felt much better and was even able to have some of the soup I i cooked (sans cream) with a few spoonfuls of rice thrown in. Since then I have been a bit leery of vege juice, I still drink it but stick with tried and tested combinations like broccoli-carrot-apple or carrot-apple-celery. Maybe bittergourd, tomato and capsicum all in the same concoction was a tad ambitious!

Another nagging thing I am suffering is gingivitis (gum inflammation) next to the last molar on my lower left jaw. It has been there since day 1 of cycle 1 of chemo. It healed a little and flared up again. Somedays the pain is so bad it feels like a toothache. I have been treating it with brushing, saline gargle, sometimes applying salt directly (ouch!!!). My dear friend Siang Hwa came by with a chlorhexidine gargle (antiseptic) and it helps a bit.

Through this, I am remembering to rejoice in the Lord and not the circumstances. More of that later.

Tired

2008-06-01T22:04:00.007+08:00

I've been feeling very tired the last 4 days after chemotherapy and have had neither the inclination nor energy to update the blog. It's an awful feeling to be unable to carry on with routine stuff. Sitting down to bible study, I would constantly be yawning! Last night I finally realised that I was hung over from sedatives!

My oncologist had prescribed some Ativan tablets to help me sleep better since sleeplessness was a bit of a problem after cycle 1. The pills come in tiny little blue tablets of 0.5mg and I was to take 2 tablets, 2 hours before bed time. I slept well each night (10 hours) but during the day I was feeling extremely tired and sleepy as well. I would take an afternoon nap and still feel tired!

Well, I skipped the tablets last night and had 4 hours of uninterrupted sleep. I woke up at 3 am from a dream of my father, who passed away in 1971 when I was 6+. Even now, 37 years later, I still miss him. I thought of what it would be like for my kids and I cried to the Lord to prolong my life.

Psalm 18: 1-6 I love you, O LORD, my strength. The LORD is my rock, my fortress and my deliverer; my God is my rock, in whom I take refuge. He is my shield and the horn of my salvation, my stronghold. I call to the LORD, who is worthy of praise, and I am saved from my enemies. The cords of death entangled me; the torrents of destruction overwhelmed me. The cords of the grave coiled around me; the snares of death confronted me. In my distress I called to the LORD; I cried to my God for help. From his temple he heard my voice; my cry came before him, into his ears. Praise the Lord!

Reuben woke up then and we spent about an hour talking, sharing, crying. Then we slept - I drifted in an out of sleep a few times. At least the dullness of mind was gone, despite being sleepy, I was able to attend church service again.

Today was a busy day. My friends Chiew Wan, Angeline and Nam from church came to visit. Angeline had bought me an eyebrow pencil and taught me how to draw it! Hazel, Reuben's colleague and our family friend came after, then my brother Harry came to spend some time with us.

Chemo Cycle 2

2008-05-27T22:09:00.012+08:00

Today was cycle 2 of chemo. I was getting ready to go for my chemo treatment when Reuben and I decided my straggly hair looked too bad. He decided to help me shave it all off. At first the long hair kept getting jammed and stuck in the shaver. After some trial and error, we used scissors to cut it short before shaving. Here is a photo of me bald. (if you click on the photo, you get a bigger image).

My kids were very affected by my baldness even though we had allowed the hair loss to happen gradually. I told them it means the chemo is working because it kill the cancer cells as well as fast growing good cells. And we can look forward to the hair growing again.

As a result I was 15 minutes late getting to the doctors. These 2 show me dressed up and ready to go out. Quite a cool hat - my sister Lilian got it from the US and my sister-in-law's mum carried it and a few other pieces back for me. Lilian knows I like neutral colours. I dressed the hat up with my own scarf. Some other patients at the hospital still stared, so i just smiled at them.

I had my blood test done first then waited for the results and had my consultation with the doctor. Praise the Lord, the tumor has definitely shrunk. It was very hard and quite defined when I was first diagnosed. Now it is more diffuse and softer to the touch. The lump (consisting 4 smaller tumors close together) measured about 6x7cm then and now it is about 3x3.5cm. The lymph nodes have also shrunk! God is gracious to me.

As the blood test was good, i was able to proceed with the drug infusion - same drugs as the first time but dosage of carboplatin was recalculated based on blood test. Dr Karmen Wong asked me again about the side effects I experienced and then prescribed some medicine to control them and make me feel even more comfortable.

Chemo started at 10.45 am and lasted till 2.20pm. By about 12.30pm I started to have hunger pangs. Managed to contact Vera and ask her to bring me some food when she came to pick me. Thank you Vera! After getting home I had some salad and fried rice before having a nap. I felt really tired - didn't sleep so well last night.

Chemo C2 Tomorrow

2008-05-26T16:34:00.002+08:00

Tomorrow morning I will be going in for my 2nd round of chemotherapy. First, I will have some blood drawn for a white blood count to ensure that my immunity is ok. I have to wait 45-60 minutes for the results to come back from the lab.

If white blood count is ok, I will be sitting there for 3-4 hours while the chemo drugs drip slowly into my veins via a cannula. A cannula is a thin plastic tube inserted into a vein. It has a needle in it which pierces the skin and introduces the plastic tube into the vein. The needle is then removed and the cannula taped to the skin to make sure it does not move or get dislodged.

The drugs (mixed with saline) are then pumped into the veins, one at a time, at the rate of 500 ml per hour. So I received approx 2 litres of fluids in the first cycle. The drugs I had for the first cycle were:

Kytril - to reduce nausea and vomiting
Dexamethasone - a steroid that reduces incidence of allergic reaction to the chemo drugs
Zantac - reduces the amount of stomach acid, thereby reducing incidence of stomach ulcers (this one produced a burning sensation in my arm when it was going in - ouch!)
Taxotere - anti-cancer chemotherapy drug
Carboplatin - anti-cancer chemotherapy drug
Herceptin - mono-clonal antibody for treating HER2 +ve tumors.

So what will I do with myself for the 3-4 hours? Well they offered me TV which I declined, instead i brought a book and sent SMS messages while sitting in the recliner chair. Some patients even doze off!

Praise God that my mum, who is with us at the moment has recovered from her bad bout of cold and cough after 2 rounds of antibiotics. She just underwent cataract surgery for her eyes the day after my biopsy and then the day after my first chemo treatment. Praise the Lord here eyes are healing well and she's able to see clearly.

Reuben and the kids all went for flu vaccinations last Saturday. Janice was having a bit of runny nose but seems to have recovered.

Please pray that I will be well and immunity strong to undergo the chemo and good response to the chemo drugs - killing off the cancer cells while minimising side effects.

Church Family

2008-05-25T17:29:00.001+08:00

Today I attended the service at 9am. What a joy to be back at church, participating in corporate woship, listening to the sermon after 2 weeks away. It was a joy to also catch up with so many friends and family-in-Christ.

Elder Michael Lee led in congregational prayer and I was caught by surprise when he prayed for me and Reuben by name. We are privileged to be remembered and upheld my so many of you in prayer. I urge you to also pray for the many unnamed people in church who are ill and suffering - some choose not to share about their situation for various reasons (shyness perhaps?).

Why did we choose to share our journey? As individual believers, we are vulnerable, sometimes we grow weak and fearful, our faith falters and we think we are alone. Together we spur, support and hold each other up. We can remind each other of whose we are and who we are. Like charcoal in a BBQ fire, heaped together the fire does not go out easily but individual pieces separated from other pieces will quickly lose lose heat and fire.

We are thankful for your love, support and encouragement. Collectively we show the world what it means to be disciples of Jesus - we love one another as he loves us (John 13:34).

Comments

2008-05-25T17:25:00.000+08:00

Dear friends,
I am so thankful for those who have given me feedback and comments to my blog either thru the blog itself, by e-mail or in conversation.

I have changed the setting of my blog so that comments CANNOT be posted. Many of you have told me you do not know how to go about posting a comment or do not want to sign up for google and I appreciate that.

If you'd like to respond to me or communicate, you may e-mail me at rndteo@singnet.com.sg or call me at home or on mobile.

Love
Doris

Medical Expenses

2008-05-24T08:24:00.000+08:00

Have you ever wondered how much it would cost to be treated for cancer? It certainly never crossed my mind until I myself was diagnosed. We complacently thought that the group medical insurance Reuben's employer provided would be sufficient to cover most of our medical needs. And it may have been for regular stuff, but NOT for critical illness. We asked for the benefits schedule and realised that the limits were quite low - the provision for chemotheraphy would not be sufficient for 2 rounds of chemo!

After my diagnosis, I asked a friend how much her breast cancer treatment several years ago cost. It was approximately $100,000 all up. Medical tests, scans etc are costly - my PET Scan (Positron Emission Tomography) alone costs more than $3,000, MRI was $800 (just for my brain). Thankfully some 9-10 years ago, I bought a small insurance policy for critical illness coverage. That has been paid out and helps defray the cost.

Some lessons that you can learn from my experience:
1. Please look into your own insurance coverage. It is wise to prepare for a crisis and the care of our families - it does not mean you do not trust God. Start young because the premiums are lower. You can get your agent to tailor something to your budget - it is well worth the expense.
2. For my women friends reading this, please go and have your PAP smear tests and mammogram regularly if you're above 40. Do not delay - early detection means you can nip the disease in the bud (e.g. lumpectomy vs mastectomy). I am only 43 and women are getting breast cancer as early as their 20s these days.
3. Take care of your bodies - not just the external appearance. Eat your fruits and veges, cut down on sugar & sweet foods, cut down on processed foods. Get enough sleep!

Wig?

2008-05-22T19:03:00.001+08:00

Several people have asked me if I've purchased a wig and given me the addresses of places to buy them. On the other hand, I've been told that wigs are really hot for Singapore weather. My plan right now is to just wear scarves, bandannas and hats to protect my head and keep warm.

I know people may stare if they see me with a bald head - somehow hair does dignify a person. However I think I don't have to hide the fact that I have cancer. I feel that I should be able to go out with a bald head with dignity and pride. Like battle scars, which are nothing to be ashamed of, a bald head means I am fighting the cancer and glad to be alive!

I saw two beautiful ladies at the oncologist's clinic on Tuesday. One had a beautiful turban on and she looked so chic and the other had a colourful scarf tied pirate style. While I don't intend to wear a wig at the moment, I may change my mind... will see how it goes.

Today I received presents! My sister-in-law Amanda in Australia sent me two scarves for my head. My sister Lilian in USA sent me 4 hats, a scarf and a "halo wig". My sister did suggest I try and learn how to draw in my eyebrows. She says people look more sickly without eyebrows. I don't know how to do that ... hmmm do they sell templates to fill in?

My friend Elizabeth sent me these beautiful words of comfort, "Hair will grow again and when it comes back it will be like having Spring visit after a long cold winter.Winter has its own beauty but Spring is re-birth and life. I hope spring comes soon. But find joy in the winter too."

My heavenly Father is sovereign, I did not plan to take this path but He deems it necessary for me to go this way. The experience is not just for me to learn lessons but to know and experience Him in a deeper way. The words of the song, In the Valley (by Bob Kauflin recorded on Valley of Vision) puts it aptly.

When You lead me to the valley of vision
I can see You in the heights
And though my humbling wouldn’t be my decision
It’s here Your glory shines so bright
So let me learn that the cross precedes the crown
To be low is to be high
That the valley’s where You make me more like Christ

Let me find Your grace in the valley
Let me find Your life in my death
Let me find Your joy in my sorrow
Your wealth in my need
That You’re near with every breath
In the valley

In the daytime there are stars in the heavens
But they only shine at night
And the deeper that I go into darkness
The more I see their radiant light
So let me learn that my losses are my gain
To be broken is to heal
That the valley’s where Your power is revealed

© 2006 Sovereign Grace Praise (BMI).

Hair Raising

2008-05-22T13:25:00.001+08:00

On Tuesday night as I shampooed what was left of my hair (still quite a lot!), it started coming out in great big bunches, I regretted not cutting it shorter. (I didn't want to spend any more money on hair I was going to lose anyway! )

All the clumps of wet hair was getting stuck on me. It wasn't a very nice feeling - that clingy hair. I understood then why my kids were always afraid to see hair in the shower. Even now during a shower they would make sure none of their own hair was stuck to any part of their body.

So there I was in the shower, grabbing a pair of scissors and giving myself an impromptu hair cut to even out the straggly bits. The result is still pretty respectable (If I should say so myself). I thought I was not vain but I was affected by this loss of hair. I can now see my scalp (it's not obvious in the photo).

It is a humbling experience, I suddenly look older than my years. I cried a little and told the Lord it was a bit hard. But then I thought if the trade off is loss of hair to be rid of cancer, then so be it, it's a small price to pay. It's interesting that my scalp ached last night although the pain went away after a while. Must be missing the weight of the hair!?

In our culture, we tend to draw so much of our sense of identity from the externals. From young we are indoctrinated by images of "ideal" bodies in magazines, TV, movies etc. We get sold on how we "should" look: hairstyle and length; facial features - eyebrows, chin, nose, lips, eyelids; body shape; clothing styles etc.

We focus so much on our own and others' appearance, we forget the person. We draw conclusions about people based on their appearance. God looks at people differently though - He sees your heart and mine. 1Samuel 16:6b The LORD does not look at the things man looks at. Man looks at the outward appearance, but the LORD looks at the heart."

Let's not spend so much time and resources maintaining just these outward things and neglect the parts that will last forever. I pray I may still be beautiful in the eyes of God and in the eyes of my family, loved ones and friends.

Friends & Loved Ones

2008-05-18T17:11:00.001+08:00

I used to feel very awkward around people who were ill or bereaved. I didn't know what to say, was afraid to say the wrong thing, and did not want to be too nosey.

In my time of crisis though I have learnt so much about giving and receiving comfort. My family and I are thankful for the many friends we have who did allow awkwardness to keep them away. Sometimes, words are not even necessary; a hug, a squeeze on the hand, convey the love and concern they have for us.

Thank you one and all who rallied around to visit, pray, to give practical help, support, cheer. Almost daily I receive telephone calls, SMS and e-mail messages of encouragement, scripture verses, prayers, tips on diet, positive thinking etc. It is true, "A friend loves at all times, and a brother is born for adversity." Proverbs 17:17

Some of the things I and my family have been priviledged to receive: lunch (brought by a dear friend who came to visit); fruits; bread, cakes, cookies and chocolates (I am cutting down but the kids love it!); reading material on cancer care, healthy diet; Orased jel for my sore gums; caps and bandannas to cover my bald head; special shampoo for my scalp, etc.

Apart from physical things, we received acts of service: offers to take me to the doctor for my appointments and to sit with me during the chemo; transport for the kids to tuition; doctor friends offered to make house calls. Today, my friend's mum who's been battling lung cancer and brain cancer called to comfort me, give me tips on coping and fighting with cancer!

More than anything, just knowing that we are being remembered and upheld in prayer daily means so much to me. We have been blessed by you and we pray and look forward to opportunity to bless you in return.

This year our church will be going to Melaka for our annual church "camp" (more like a conference as it is held in a hotel!). I won't be able to go although I was really wanting to. The theme is "Strength in Weakness", they'll be studying the second letter of the apostle Paul to the church in Corinth. I just want to leave you with an extract from 2 Corinthians 1:3-11.

Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves have received from God. For just as the sufferings of Christ flow over into our lives, so also through Christ our comfort overflows. ... We were under great pressure, far beyond our ability to endure, so that we despaired even of life. Indeed, in our hearts we felt the sentence of death. But this happened that we might not rely on ourselves but on God, who raises the dead. He has delivered us from such a deadly peril, and he will deliver us. On him we have set our hope that he will continue to deliver us, as you help us by your prayers. Then many will give thanks on our behalf for the gracious favor granted us in answer to the prayers of many.

Pulling Out My Hair!

2008-05-18T08:16:00.000+08:00

My hair's started to fall out! Yesterday night while brushing my hair at bedtime I noticed more hair than usual falling out. So I got Reuben to take a photo of me while all my shoulder length hair is still intact. Will post the after photo when it's all gone.

Today I read of a woman who's planning to shave all her long hair off at a fund raiser for the children's cancer fund. Her hair will be donated to make wigs for children with cancer. That is a brave and magnanimous woman - she has a choice and she's choosing to lose it for someone else.

This morning, as I brushed my hair, more hair fell out. Being kind of free, I sat in the bathroom and counted them out. There were approx 300 strands of hair that fell out (I lost count after 200+).

Did you know that an average human head has 100,000 hair follicles? I don't know whether someone actually counted them up. I do know Jesus said that even the very hairs on our head are numbered (see below) - He knows the exact number i have! I don't think even my very loving husband would want to count the hairs on my head.

Matthew 10:29-31 Are not two sparrows sold for a penny? Yet not one of them will fall to the ground apart from the will of your Father. And even the very hairs of your head are all numbered. So don't be afraid; you are worth more than many sparrows.

As a child, i used to dislike my head of very curly spiral-curl hair. When i was little, my mum used to keep my hair very short ("Yankee style" she would tell the hair-dresser) as she did not have time to help me brush. Each time my hair started to grow a bit unruly (other kids and even teachers would tease me, calling me a gollywog), I would get it all cut off. I kept that hairstyle until I was in my late teens.

In Australia, as a student, I began to appreciate my curls and decided to let my hair grow out. After 2 years, I had shoulder length hair. Often when people meet me for the first time or even total strangers would inevitably ask me "Is your hair naturally curly?" followed by "Are you chinese?" when I answer in the affirmative. Other questions follow, "Have you ever tried straightening it?"; or advice like "You can always try re-bonding."; still others would comfort me with "think of the money you save in perming".

I am actually quite happy with my hair so it's going to be an interesting experience losing it all and re-growing it.

Feeling Good

2008-05-17T16:52:00.000+08:00

"What does it feel like to inject yourself with the booster shots?" my sister asked.

It was actually quite easy. I opened the pack and had a good look at the needle and the syringe. The needle was fine and short (1cm) and the amount to inject was only 0.5 ml (I think or 5 ml). I just cleaned an area of tummy fat with alcohol swab, fixed the needle on the syringe, got rid of the air. Then I took a deep breath - pierced my skin with the needle - breathed out slowly while pressing on the plunger.

I had the booster shots on Tue, Wed, Thu. On Thursday morning, i woke up feeling pretty good - well rested, no aches & pains, no fatigue. I was more able to sit and focus, managed to do some bible study etc.

In fact I felt so good I even baked in the evening! 9 little loaves of citrus and poppyseed cake. A few friends came to pick up their cakes in the evening and have a chat. All in all a very good day.

For This I Have Jesus

2008-05-14T23:33:00.000+08:00

A few days ago, I was thinking of my secondary school teacher who was cynical about Christianity. She loved to say it is a religion that promised "a pie in the sky when you die".

I have to tell you though that she was mistaken. The eternal life that Jesus promises is for now AND for the future. A song I learnt recently puts this truth beautifully - everything i experience in life the good and bad, i share it with Jesus. Isn't that great? I pray that I may be faithful to him in every situation I go through. Sometimes I think my little hand is holding on tight to His, but really, He is holding tight and He never lets go.

However God promises in the bible that because Jesus was resurrected, those who believe in him will also be resurrected. So Jesus is good for now and for eternity.

John 11:25-26 Jesus said to her, "I am the resurrection and the life. He who believes in me will live, even though he dies; 26and whoever lives and believes in me will never die.

1 Corinthians 15:19 "If only for this life we have hope in Christ, we are to be pitied more than all men."

For This I Have Jesus
For the joys and for the sorrows
The best and worst of times
For this moment, for tomorrow
For all that lies behind
Fears that crowd around me
For the failure of my plans
For the dreams of all I hope to be
The truth of what I am

For this I have Jesus
For this I have Jesus
For this I have Jesus,
I have Jesus (Repeat)

For the tears that flow in secret
In the broken times
For the moments of elation
Or the troubled mind
For all the disappointments
Or the sting of old regrets
All my prayers and longings
That seem unanswered yet

For the weakness of my body
The burdens of each day
For the nights of doubt and worry
When sleep has fled away
Needing reassurance
And the will to start again
A steely-eyed endurance
The strength to fight and win

Graham Kendrick Copyright © 1994
Make Way Music, http://www.grahamkendrick.co.uk/
All rights reserved. International copyright secured. Used by permission.

Cycle 1 Wk 1

2008-05-14T19:44:00.001+08:00

Praise God for the 1 week milestone which I passed yesterday. I must report that while I expected the worst side effects, I only experienced them very minimally. Fatigue, some aches and pains, queasiness on a couple of days, runny stools, sore gums - that's about it.

Yesterday, I went back to the doctors to have a blood test (full blood count). My white blood cell count was low so I had to have booster jabs for 3 consecutive days. The nurse gave me the injection in my tummy fat. Instead of going back today and tomorrow for the injections (waste of time, parking charges - astronomical in Gleneagles) I said I will do it myself or get someone to do it.

I could have asked my mum to help - she's a midwife by training - but I chose to inject myself. Maybe it's just my stubborn streak. It was not too difficult and years of watching my mum do it for her patients gave me confidence to do it!

Today I was reading my BSF notes on Matthew 8 about the Roman centurion who asked Jesus to heal his servant. He is an example of living by faith and not by sight!

5When Jesus had entered Capernaum, a centurion came to him, asking for help. 6"Lord," he said, "my servant lies at home paralyzed and in terrible suffering." 7Jesus said to him, "I will go and heal him." 8The centurion replied, "Lord, I do not deserve to have you come under my roof. But just say the word, and my servant will be healed. 9For I myself am a man under authority, with soldiers under me. I tell this one, 'Go,' and he goes; and that one, 'Come,' and he comes. I say to my servant, 'Do this,' and he does it." 10When Jesus heard this, he was astonished and said to those following him, "I tell you the truth, I have not found anyone in Israel with such great faith. 11I say to you that many will come from the east and the west, and will take their places at the feast with Abraham, Isaac and Jacob in the kingdom of heaven. 12But the subjects of the kingdom will be thrown outside, into the darkness, where there will be weeping and gnashing of teeth." 13Then Jesus said to the centurion, "Go! It will be done just as you believed it would." And his servant was healed at that very hour.

The notes say, "The centurion's faith was absolute. He did not need to see at once the answer. Christ's word was enough. He knew he had already received the answer to his prayer and was content to wait until he reached home to see it. Faith is being sure of what we do not see (Hebrews 11:1)." Amen!

Summary

2008-05-11T21:40:00.001+08:00

Thanks to those who read and gave feedback on by blog. I may have lost some of you in the midst of all my rambling - some people thought I was still in Melbourne! Here's a summary.

Sat, 3 May - arrived home in Singapore about 5 pm
Mon, 5 May - saw the oncologist and the ENT specialist. Will wait for FISH test results before starting chemo.
Tue, 6 May - started chemotherapy.

My breast cancer is classified as Stage 3 since there are 4 nodes and 3 lymph nodes involved. I have HER2 positive (3+ve) tumor. It means the tumor has too many Human Epidermal growth factor Receptor 2 gene, making the cells go beserk. It is a very aggressive type of cancer but also very treatable. I am being treated with trastuzumab (Herceptin) which is a monoclonal antibody that targets these tumor cells. I am also being treated with 2 other chemo drugs - taxotere and carboplatin.

I had the first cycle of chemo last Tuesday 6 May and thankfully, the side effects have been minimal so far. Apart from some queasiness, some aches and pains, tiredness, soreness in the throat and gums, I have been well. God is gracious to me. I don't know if the other cycles of chemo will be like this or does the effect get worse?

My hair is due to fall out on day 14 of chemo (20 May). I need to go shop for a wig soon - I joked with the kids that I'll get straight hair and perhaps even a blonde wig. Will post pictures when that takes place.

I'm learning to take things easy, following my body's rhythm. The last 3 days i took a walk with the kids each evening even though I really felt rather lazy.

Reading the bible each morning and praying helps me keep focused. I have had much time to think, reflect on the things I read. I am recalling many things to be thankful for and many past experiences that remind me that God is real, good, trustworthy, faithful.

Today I actually felt hungry! Siew Ling & Eric from church baked a pineapple cake and brought ice cream and we had a lovely tea together!

Happy Mothers' Day!

Exodus

2008-05-11T14:49:00.000+08:00

I've been reading the book of Exodus again since early April - how timely. Exodus reminds me God is omnipotent - all powerful. God is also all good (omni ?).

God is not just willing to help, He is able to help His people. Imagine if God was good but powerless: it would be pointless believing in Him. Or imagine God all powerful but bad: He would be a tyrant.

In Exodus, I see a God who sees, hears and acts on behalf of His people. He redeems and rescues. He is the cloud that led and provided shelter in the scorching days in the desert. He is the pillar of fire that gives light, warmth, protection in the desolate desert nights. He leads, guides, provides, refreshes, feeds, heals. What a great God we have! God is indeed my all in all!

Exodus 19: 4-6 'You yourselves have seen what I did to Egypt, and how I carried you on eagles' wings and brought you to myself. Now if you obey me fully and keep my covenant, then out of all nations you will be my treasured possession. Although the whole earth is mine, you will be for me a kingdom of priests and a holy nation.'

1 Peter 2:9-10 But you are a chosen people, a royal priesthood, a holy nation, a people belonging to God, that you may declare the praises of him who called you out of darkness into his wonderful light. Once you were not a people, but now you are the people of God; once you had not received mercy, but now you have received mercy.

Down Under 2

2008-05-10T23:20:00.000+08:00

Tue 29 Apr - Fri 2 May 2008 - In Melbourne, Reuben and I spent some quality time together - talking, discussing, praying. We prayed for clear direction from the Lord on treatment options.

Wed 30 April 2008 - The cancer institute social worker called. The institute was willing to undertake my treatment free of charge! Wow, I was overwhelemed by this provision from the Lord, totally unasked for although He knew my anxiety.

Appointment with Dr Pru Francis - the key component in my treatment Herceptin was costly and would not be covered by the institute - we would have to appeal to Medicare. There was an option of participating in a 15-mth clinical trial and the drugs will be free. Knowing that the Medicare door was closed to us, and not wanting to separate the family, we discussed, prayed with Pastor Chris and knew God was leading us back to Singapore for treatment.

While in Melbourne, we had privilege to enjoy fellowship and hospitality of relatives and friends. We visited with mum's brothers and sisters-in-law Leslie and Irene and Teck Leng and Chow Wan and their families. Aunty Irene organised a 14 course get-together dinner where we got to meet our cousins and their children.

We had dinner with Carol - my very good friend from primary school, Sunday school, youth group - and her husband Dr Alan Tan and their children. We also had dinner with Jensen and Yvonne Low - ex Prinsep members - and family who relocated to Melbourne.

In between I went for MRI scan of the brain and heart imaging - PTL! (Praise the Lord) cancer has not spread to the brain and my heart is healthy!

We arrived home in Singapore at about 5 pm on Saturday 3rd May to the surprise and delight of the children.

Down Under 1

2008-05-10T09:12:00.000+08:00

Sunday 27 April 2008 - Reuben's dad, Richard, arrived from Brisbane at 6 am to help us supervise the kids and drive them to tuition etc etc. At church, many brothers and sisters rallied around to comfort us, pray with us. We are so blessed to be loved by you all. Sunday night we took the flight to Melbourne.

Monday 28 April 2008 - On arrival we drove to the home of our friends, Dr Peter Choong and his wife Kerry. We enjoyed their generous hospitality for 4 nights. Peter had made an appointment for me to see surgeon, Dr Michael Henderson 3pm.

With a few hours to fill, we went into the city, visited the Medicare office. Medicare is Autralia's universal health insurance programme for citizens and permanent residents. Since we are both citizens we thought we should apply for it. I could potentially enjoy free/highly subsidised medical treatment in Australa.

The process for applying for a Medicare card was not too difficult. One photo ID required and 2 documents that show home address in Australia. Unfortunately as we have not been living in Australia since 1991, we were not eligible. It was tempting to just produce some documents and get the card, but it was an integrity issue. I walked out heavy hearted.

After a hot lunch - Melbourne is cold! - we ran some errands before going to the doctors appt. In the meantime, Reuben's mum also arrived in Melbourne to give us support. Kristy, our sister in law went to the airport to pick her up.

Dr Henderson reviewed my scans, reports etc., and also recommended treatment chemo before surgery. I told him instinctively I wanted the tumour removed as quickly as possible. His answer in layman's terms. "No one ever died from breast cancer if it stayed in the breast. It's when it spreads to other organs that it can kill." So chemo was to kill off the cells that have escaped. More tests were ordered - blood test, cardiac imaging, MRI.

Met mum-in-law, Molly, and sis-in-law Kristy and our nephew and niece, Isaiah and Syrah in he cancer centre lobby. We had a lovely Indian & Chinese dinner at the home of Reuchlin (Reuben's brother) and Kristy.

Place to Trust God

2008-05-07T23:12:00.000+08:00

Thursday 8 May 2008 - Today is day 3 after chemo. I thank God for being gracious to me. The side effects have been minimal - tiredness, some aching in the joints, a dry throat - nothing to complain about.

One of the wonderful things about studying the bible with a group of like-minded Christians is how we are constantly teaching, being taught, reminded of God by one another. We hone each other, strenghten one another. Col 3:16 "Let the word of Christ dwell in you richly as you teach and admonish one another with all wisdom, and as you sing psalms, hymns and spiritual songs with gratitude in your hearts to God."

One of them sent me this reminder.
"One inspiring statement you made which springs to mind often whenever things seem out of (my) hand - To be in a place where you have to trust God is a good place to be in."

Rom 8:28; 38-39 "And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose. For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord.

Psalm 18:2,28,29. The LORD is my rock, my fortress and my deliverer; my God is my rock, in whom I take refuge. He is my shield and the horn of my salvation, my stronghold. You, O LORD, keep my lamp burning; my God turns my darkness into light. With your help I can advance against a troop; with my God I can scale a wall.

This was by no means an original thought. Our Pastor Rev Chris Chia had shared this with me when i struggled with the decision to quit my job (i was worried about finances) in 1998 to take care of the kids.

Another sister sent me this reminder:
"What you shared with us in one lecture helps - Our God is too loving to be unkind and too wise to make a mistake. I'm thankful that He is our hiding place where we can enter and be at rest in such times. May His peace rule in your heart and family's too."

Confusion

2008-05-07T20:16:00.000+08:00

Friday April 26th - During our appointment with Dr Karen Yap when she confirmed my cancer diagnosis, we spoke about what the next step would be. I wanted to know when we should do surgery. She said I should see an oncologist first to decide on the course of treatment. Chemotherapy may come first to shrink the tumour before surgery. She referred me to Dr Karmen Wong. In the meantime, more tests were ordered.

Friday evening was tough. We had received much information, offers of help, many anecdotal sharing from friends and family of their own cancer treatment (surgery first before chemo). Reuben's good friend, Dr Peter Choong, invited us to visit the Peter Macallum Cancer institute in Melbourne where he works. He would make the arrangements and even offered to put us up at his place.

I was very unsure about it - going to Australia for treatment would mean separation from the children for a prolonged period of time! It also meant extra expense. I was resistant to the idea although everyone else urged me to go.

I was very unwilling to run and chase every lead and grasp at every straw. I needed time to digest the information and think. We prayed for clear direction and leading.

Late Friday night I agreed to go to Australia. It was the assurance from Reuben that this is only for a second opinion before we make any decisions that gave me freedom to go.

Saturday 27 April 2008 - Went to the SIA office first thing in the morning to redeem 2 tickets to Melbourne, leaving Singapore Sun night. Proceeded to pick up PET scan results and images from Dr Karen Yap's clinic.

Then off to see Dr Karmen Wong, the oncologist - a fellow believer. We liked Dr Wong the moment we met her. She's open, looks you in the eye, straight talking. She didn't shove a treatment plan down our throats but explained different cancer cells, options for treating each. Results for another set of test for the cancer was due back only on Mon so we could not proceed much further.

We mentioned wanting to get a second opinion in Melbourne and she gave us 2 oncologists to contact. In fact, she called them up on Monday to make appointments for me! We left her office feeling better.

We thank God for the people He provided to help us, Dr Karen Yap and Dr Koh Wan Lin from our church, Dr Karmen Wong a fellow Christian.

My dear sisters from BSF - Siew Lian, Lee Ling, Tai Wan and Joyce came to pray with and for me late that night.

Coping with News

2008-05-07T09:37:00.000+08:00

Wed 23-Thu 24 April 2008 - much was going through our heads. i was still optimistic that it may be a benign tumor but Reuben was thinking ahead. He called and discussed with family members, called a few friends etc to check treatment options.

Reuben was more affected than I and his anxiety rubbed off on the kids. He kept telling me, "I don't know what I'd do if you die! I will be depressed!" To which I replied, "I'm not going to die yet!"

I had told the kids that we don't know for sure until Thursday or Friday whether I definitely have cancer and they accepted that.

On Thursday night, Reuben prayed with the kids and gave them a pep talk. He told them that it was very likely I had cancer, would have to have surgery, chemotherapy and my hair would all fall out, I might die etc. Our 3rd child David also thought ahead (like his dad) and said, "If mum dies, you can not remarry, I don't want to have another mummy!" It's nice to know I am irreplaceable to David (and to the rest although they didn't verbalise it)!

When i went into say good night, the girls had blankets pulled up over their faces and were in tears! "Mum, dad says your hair is going to all fall out!" Oh dear, how to comfort them? "It will grow again, I could wear a wig in the meantime. Think about it, for once I could have straight hair or even blonde hair if I wanted!" In the boys' room, Jonathan also had his blanket pulled over his face. He wasn't crying but he was upset and depressed. David was fiesty as ever; different way of coping. Prayed again with them and then said goodnight.

My coping strategy? Over the past weeks of studying and teaching the book of Matthew in BSF God had given me precious lessons and reminders. Matt 6&7 reminds me not to be anxious (tall order) but to pray and depend on God for all my needs physical and spiritual. I have the privilege of praying to my heavenly Father (not an impersonal God) who delights to give good things. He promises that if I seek him first, he will give me all else that I need. If I obey Christ's teaching and and build my house on the rock of Christ, no storm can destroy my house. God's word assures me. I know I am safe and secure in His will and care. I am a child of the heavenly father who is all powerful, all knowing, loving, kind, He is with me and will supply ALL we need.

I told the Lord I am prepared to die when He wants to take me. I settle my accounts with God daily and ask Him to show me how I have sinned and displeased him so I may confess and be forgiven.

But I also tell the Lord daily my desire to live. I have much I need to do, children to raise, a husband to help, God's work to do. So I pray and pour out my my heart to ask for complete healing and restoration. At the same time, i pray "Your will be done". I choose to delight in the Lord, He will give me the desires of my heart. Amen!

Start of Chemotherapy

2008-05-06T16:37:00.001+08:00

At 3.30pm today we decided to start chemo-therapy after results from the FISH test showed +ive to Herceptin.
Doris will undergo TCH a combination of Chemotherapy and Herceptin.
The first cycle starts today for 3 hours and she will then have the next cycle in 21 days time, during the next few days she will face possible side-effects and low white blood cell count day 7-8. Please pray for minimal side effects and strength over the first week.
She will loose her hair after the 14th day.

Jonathan, Alisha, David and Janice are in the midst of exams and will continue until May 14th. Reuben will continue to work in Singapore and the company has been really supportive during this time.

Will keep you all posted as often as we can

Teo Family

PET Scan

2008-05-05T22:21:00.000+08:00

Friday 25 April 2008 - went back to Karen in the morning. The results came back positive for cancer in both breast nodes and lymph nodes. Proceeded to Shaw Centre for PET (Positron Emission Tomography) scan - to see if the cancer has spread to the other organs. Recognised our friend Dr Koh Wan Lin's name listed as one of the radiologists there.

Process for PET scan took quite long. First change into hospital gown, briefed on the procedure, blood sugar tested, drink 2 cups of some foul tasting solution, have a drip set up, injection of radioactive glucose solution. Lie absolutely still for an hour while the glucose is absorbed. I prayed, meditated on scripture then fell asleep and when I woke up, decided to press the call button (in case they had forgotten me!). Went in for a scan which took about 45 minutes.

Wan Lin asked her colleague to look at the results and gave us preliminary results - good news, cancer had not spread, still in the breast and axillary (arm pit) lymph nodes! Praise the Lord!

Went home for dinner and prepare for discipleship group (DG) meeting at our house. Wan Lin called again to confirm that the results are confirmed, has not spread beyond the axillary nodes. Praise God! We shared the news with our DG mates after bible study and then prayed together.

Discouraging Delays

2008-05-05T22:17:00.000+08:00

Monday 5 May 2008. I was supposed to start chemotherapy. However, the results for the FISH test (not sure what it stands for) has not come back from the pathology lab. My MRI and PET scans indicated some infection in my sinuses which needs to be investigated further.

Went to see an ENT surgeon and underwent a CT scan.

In 1992-93 I had numerous episodes of sinusitis. I had several Antral Washes and then a FESS (functional endoscopic sinus surgery) done. The ENT surgeon then found and removed fungus growing in my sinuses. If there is fungus growing in my sinuses now, it may have to be dealt with before chemo. Reason is that chemo will suppress my immune system and the fungus could grow into my eyes, brain etc. which will not be good. Chemo scheduled to start 6 May instead.

Tuesday 6 May 2008. Got a call from the ENT surgeon - CT scan indicative of fungal growth, minimal risk but asked me to consider another FESS to remove the growth. I was discouraged - FESS is not a major surgery but I remember that post operatively I felt very uncomfortable. To do a surgery would delay my cancer treatment by another week!

For the first time since my diagnosis I really cried. I didn't feel like I had the strength and energy to fight on another front. I called my friend Esther who cautioned against missing the forest for the trees. I frantically tried to search the net for information. It didn't yield much.

About 1.45 pm I went down to the kitchen for lunch. In that quiet moment was assured by the Lord to go ahead with the chemo. Just then the oncologist, Dr Karmen Wong, called and discussed with Reuben - chemo is on! I had an appointment at 2.30pm, made it to the clinic at 2.45pm.

The chemo regimen I am on is TCH (Taxotere, Carboplatin and Herceptin). The intravenous infusion today took almost 4 hours. Praise God I am feeling ok. Going to sleep now.

Discovery

2008-05-05T22:00:00.000+08:00

I thought I'd start to document what's happened so far with my breast cancer. So much has happened and the days pass quickly. If I don't capture them I might forget.

Sometime around 14 April, I detected a lumpy mass on my right breast. Although my breasts tend to be lumpy, this time it was different. The lump was kind of hard and did not go away as the lumps usually do. I called the GP to check when the lady doctor would be in.

Saturday 19 April 2008 - went to see my GP about this funny lump in my right breast and a few other matters that needed attention. She was concerned and asked me to see a breast surgeon.

Over the weekend we asked around among friends for recommendations. Also surfed the net for breast specialists in Singapore. Adrian Tan our elder and good friend suggested Dr Karen Yap who also attends ARPC. Another friend had also recommended her

Monday 21 April 2008 - Reuben called and made an appointment with Karen for Tuesday afternoon. I tried to make an appointment with another doctor but was unable to get through both times I called.

Tuesday 22 April 2008 - after BSF class, saw Karen at 2.30 pm, had an ultrasound in her clinic. Proceeded to have a mammogram and detailed ultrasound at Paragon. Results of imaging came in later that evening - there were 4 lumps in my breast of varying sizes - largest were 2 cm and 1.5 cm. 3 lymph nodes were also enlarged - highly suspicious. We decided to do a biopsy straight away. Karen and her staff stayed to do the biopsy. It was about 8 pm when I reached home.

The results would only be out in 2-3 days - nothing to do but wait and pray.