Wed 23-Thu 24 April 2008 - much was going through our heads. i was still optimistic that it may be a benign tumor but Reuben was thinking ahead. He called and discussed with family members, called a few friends etc to check treatment options.
Reuben was more affected than I and his anxiety rubbed off on the kids. He kept telling me, "I don't know what I'd do if you die! I will be depressed!" To which I replied, "I'm not going to die yet!"
I had told the kids that we don't know for sure until Thursday or Friday whether I definitely have cancer and they accepted that.
On Thursday night, Reuben prayed with the kids and gave them a pep talk. He told them that it was very likely I had cancer, would have to have surgery, chemotherapy and my hair would all fall out, I might die etc. Our 3rd child David also thought ahead (like his dad) and said, "If mum dies, you can not remarry, I don't want to have another mummy!" It's nice to know I am irreplaceable to David (and to the rest although they didn't verbalise it)!
When i went into say good night, the girls had blankets pulled up over their faces and were in tears! "Mum, dad says your hair is going to all fall out!" Oh dear, how to comfort them? "It will grow again, I could wear a wig in the meantime. Think about it, for once I could have straight hair or even blonde hair if I wanted!" In the boys' room, Jonathan also had his blanket pulled over his face. He wasn't crying but he was upset and depressed. David was fiesty as ever; different way of coping. Prayed again with them and then said goodnight.
My coping strategy? Over the past weeks of studying and teaching the book of Matthew in BSF God had given me precious lessons and reminders. Matt 6&7 reminds me not to be anxious (tall order) but to pray and depend on God for all my needs physical and spiritual. I have the privilege of praying to my heavenly Father (not an impersonal God) who delights to give good things. He promises that if I seek him first, he will give me all else that I need. If I obey Christ's teaching and and build my house on the rock of Christ, no storm can destroy my house. God's word assures me. I know I am safe and secure in His will and care. I am a child of the heavenly father who is all powerful, all knowing, loving, kind, He is with me and will supply ALL we need.
I told the Lord I am prepared to die when He wants to take me. I settle my accounts with God daily and ask Him to show me how I have sinned and displeased him so I may confess and be forgiven.
But I also tell the Lord daily my desire to live. I have much I need to do, children to raise, a husband to help, God's work to do. So I pray and pour out my my heart to ask for complete healing and restoration. At the same time, i pray "Your will be done". I choose to delight in the Lord, He will give me the desires of my heart. Amen!
