Chemo Cycle 2

Today was cycle 2 of chemo. I was getting ready to go for my chemo treatment when Reuben and I decided my straggly hair looked too bad. He decided to help me shave it all off. At first the long hair kept getting jammed and stuck in the shaver. After some trial and error, we used scissors to cut it short before shaving. Here is a photo of me bald. (if you click on the photo, you get a bigger image).

My kids were very affected by my baldness even though we had allowed the hair loss to happen gradually. I told them it means the chemo is working because it kill the cancer cells as well as fast growing good cells. And we can look forward to the hair growing again.

As a result I was 15 minutes late getting to the doctors. These 2 show me dressed up and ready to go out. Quite a cool hat - my sister Lilian got it from the US and my sister-in-law's mum carried it and a few other pieces back for me. Lilian knows I like neutral colours. I dressed the hat up with my own scarf. Some other patients at the hospital still stared, so i just smiled at them.

I had my blood test done first then waited for the results and had my consultation with the doctor. Praise the Lord, the tumor has definitely shrunk. It was very hard and quite defined when I was first diagnosed. Now it is more diffuse and softer to the touch. The lump (consisting 4 smaller tumors close together) measured about 6x7cm then and now it is about 3x3.5cm. The lymph nodes have also shrunk! God is gracious to me.

As the blood test was good, i was able to proceed with the drug infusion - same drugs as the first time but dosage of carboplatin was recalculated based on blood test. Dr Karmen Wong asked me again about the side effects I experienced and then prescribed some medicine to control them and make me feel even more comfortable.

Chemo started at 10.45 am and lasted till 2.20pm. By about 12.30pm I started to have hunger pangs. Managed to contact Vera and ask her to bring me some food when she came to pick me. Thank you Vera! After getting home I had some salad and fried rice before having a nap. I felt really tired - didn't sleep so well last night.

Chemo C2 Tomorrow

Tomorrow morning I will be going in for my 2nd round of chemotherapy. First, I will have some blood drawn for a white blood count to ensure that my immunity is ok. I have to wait 45-60 minutes for the results to come back from the lab.

If white blood count is ok, I will be sitting there for 3-4 hours while the chemo drugs drip slowly into my veins via a cannula. A cannula is a thin plastic tube inserted into a vein. It has a needle in it which pierces the skin and introduces the plastic tube into the vein. The needle is then removed and the cannula taped to the skin to make sure it does not move or get dislodged.

The drugs (mixed with saline) are then pumped into the veins, one at a time, at the rate of 500 ml per hour. So I received approx 2 litres of fluids in the first cycle. The drugs I had for the first cycle were:

• Kytril - to reduce nausea and vomiting
• Dexamethasone - a steroid that reduces incidence of allergic reaction to the chemo drugs
• Zantac - reduces the amount of stomach acid, thereby reducing incidence of stomach ulcers (this one produced a burning sensation in my arm when it was going in - ouch!)
• Taxotere - anti-cancer chemotherapy drug
• Carboplatin - anti-cancer chemotherapy drug
• Herceptin - mono-clonal antibody for treating HER2 +ve tumors.

So what will I do with myself for the 3-4 hours? Well they offered me TV which I declined, instead i brought a book and sent SMS messages while sitting in the recliner chair. Some patients even doze off!

Praise God that my mum, who is with us at the moment has recovered from her bad bout of cold and cough after 2 rounds of antibiotics. She just underwent cataract surgery for her eyes the day after my biopsy and then the day after my first chemo treatment. Praise the Lord here eyes are healing well and she's able to see clearly.

Reuben and the kids all went for flu vaccinations last Saturday. Janice was having a bit of runny nose but seems to have recovered.

Please pray that I will be well and immunity strong to undergo the chemo and good response to the chemo drugs - killing off the cancer cells while minimising side effects.

Church Family

Today I attended the service at 9am. What a joy to be back at church, participating in corporate woship, listening to the sermon after 2 weeks away. It was a joy to also catch up with so many friends and family-in-Christ.

Elder Michael Lee led in congregational prayer and I was caught by surprise when he prayed for me and Reuben by name. We are privileged to be remembered and upheld my so many of you in prayer. I urge you to also pray for the many unnamed people in church who are ill and suffering - some choose not to share about their situation for various reasons (shyness perhaps?).

Why did we choose to share our journey? As individual believers, we are vulnerable, sometimes we grow weak and fearful, our faith falters and we think we are alone. Together we spur, support and hold each other up. We can remind each other of whose we are and who we are. Like charcoal in a BBQ fire, heaped together the fire does not go out easily but individual pieces separated from other pieces will quickly lose lose heat and fire.

We are thankful for your love, support and encouragement. Collectively we show the world what it means to be disciples of Jesus - we love one another as he loves us (John 13:34).

Comments

Dear friends,
I am so thankful for those who have given me feedback and comments to my blog either thru the blog itself, by e-mail or in conversation.

I have changed the setting of my blog so that comments CANNOT be posted. Many of you have told me you do not know how to go about posting a comment or do not want to sign up for google and I appreciate that.

If you'd like to respond to me or communicate, you may e-mail me at rndteo@singnet.com.sg or call me at home or on mobile.

Love
Doris

Medical Expenses

Have you ever wondered how much it would cost to be treated for cancer? It certainly never crossed my mind until I myself was diagnosed. We complacently thought that the group medical insurance Reuben's employer provided would be sufficient to cover most of our medical needs. And it may have been for regular stuff, but NOT for critical illness. We asked for the benefits schedule and realised that the limits were quite low - the provision for chemotheraphy would not be sufficient for 2 rounds of chemo!

After my diagnosis, I asked a friend how much her breast cancer treatment several years ago cost. It was approximately $100,000 all up. Medical tests, scans etc are costly - my PET Scan (Positron Emission Tomography) alone costs more than $3,000, MRI was $800 (just for my brain). Thankfully some 9-10 years ago, I bought a small insurance policy for critical illness coverage. That has been paid out and helps defray the cost.

Some lessons that you can learn from my experience:
1. Please look into your own insurance coverage. It is wise to prepare for a crisis and the care of our families - it does not mean you do not trust God. Start young because the premiums are lower. You can get your agent to tailor something to your budget - it is well worth the expense.
2. For my women friends reading this, please go and have your PAP smear tests and mammogram regularly if you're above 40. Do not delay - early detection means you can nip the disease in the bud (e.g. lumpectomy vs mastectomy). I am only 43 and women are getting breast cancer as early as their 20s these days.
3. Take care of your bodies - not just the external appearance. Eat your fruits and veges, cut down on sugar & sweet foods, cut down on processed foods. Get enough sleep!

Wig?

Several people have asked me if I've purchased a wig and given me the addresses of places to buy them. On the other hand, I've been told that wigs are really hot for Singapore weather. My plan right now is to just wear scarves, bandannas and hats to protect my head and keep warm.

I know people may stare if they see me with a bald head - somehow hair does dignify a person. However I think I don't have to hide the fact that I have cancer. I feel that I should be able to go out with a bald head with dignity and pride. Like battle scars, which are nothing to be ashamed of, a bald head means I am fighting the cancer and glad to be alive!

I saw two beautiful ladies at the oncologist's clinic on Tuesday. One had a beautiful turban on and she looked so chic and the other had a colourful scarf tied pirate style. While I don't intend to wear a wig at the moment, I may change my mind... will see how it goes.

Today I received presents! My sister-in-law Amanda in Australia sent me two scarves for my head. My sister Lilian in USA sent me 4 hats, a scarf and a "halo wig". My sister did suggest I try and learn how to draw in my eyebrows. She says people look more sickly without eyebrows. I don't know how to do that ... hmmm do they sell templates to fill in?

My friend Elizabeth sent me these beautiful words of comfort, "Hair will grow again and when it comes back it will be like having Spring visit after a long cold winter.Winter has its own beauty but Spring is re-birth and life. I hope spring comes soon. But find joy in the winter too."

My heavenly Father is sovereign, I did not plan to take this path but He deems it necessary for me to go this way. The experience is not just for me to learn lessons but to know and experience Him in a deeper way. The words of the song, In the Valley (by Bob Kauflin recorded on Valley of Vision) puts it aptly.

When You lead me to the valley of vision
I can see You in the heights
And though my humbling wouldn’t be my decision
It’s here Your glory shines so bright
So let me learn that the cross precedes the crown
To be low is to be high
That the valley’s where You make me more like Christ

Let me find Your grace in the valley
Let me find Your life in my death
Let me find Your joy in my sorrow
Your wealth in my need
That You’re near with every breath
In the valley

In the daytime there are stars in the heavens
But they only shine at night
And the deeper that I go into darkness
The more I see their radiant light
So let me learn that my losses are my gain
To be broken is to heal
That the valley’s where Your power is revealed

© 2006 Sovereign Grace Praise (BMI).

Hair Raising

On Tuesday night as I shampooed what was left of my hair (still quite a lot!), it started coming out in great big bunches, I regretted not cutting it shorter. (I didn't want to spend any more money on hair I was going to lose anyway! )

All the clumps of wet hair was getting stuck on me. It wasn't a very nice feeling - that clingy hair. I understood then why my kids were always afraid to see hair in the shower. Even now during a shower they would make sure none of their own hair was stuck to any part of their body.

So there I was in the shower, grabbing a pair of scissors and giving myself an impromptu hair cut to even out the straggly bits. The result is still pretty respectable (If I should say so myself). I thought I was not vain but I was affected by this loss of hair. I can now see my scalp (it's not obvious in the photo).

It is a humbling experience, I suddenly look older than my years. I cried a little and told the Lord it was a bit hard. But then I thought if the trade off is loss of hair to be rid of cancer, then so be it, it's a small price to pay. It's interesting that my scalp ached last night although the pain went away after a while. Must be missing the weight of the hair!?

In our culture, we tend to draw so much of our sense of identity from the externals. From young we are indoctrinated by images of "ideal" bodies in magazines, TV, movies etc. We get sold on how we "should" look: hairstyle and length; facial features - eyebrows, chin, nose, lips, eyelids; body shape; clothing styles etc.

We focus so much on our own and others' appearance, we forget the person. We draw conclusions about people based on their appearance. God looks at people differently though - He sees your heart and mine. 1Samuel 16:6b The LORD does not look at the things man looks at. Man looks at the outward appearance, but the LORD looks at the heart."

Let's not spend so much time and resources maintaining just these outward things and neglect the parts that will last forever. I pray I may still be beautiful in the eyes of God and in the eyes of my family, loved ones and friends.

Friends & Loved Ones

I used to feel very awkward around people who were ill or bereaved. I didn't know what to say, was afraid to say the wrong thing, and did not want to be too nosey.

In my time of crisis though I have learnt so much about giving and receiving comfort. My family and I are thankful for the many friends we have who did allow awkwardness to keep them away. Sometimes, words are not even necessary; a hug, a squeeze on the hand, convey the love and concern they have for us.

Thank you one and all who rallied around to visit, pray, to give practical help, support, cheer. Almost daily I receive telephone calls, SMS and e-mail messages of encouragement, scripture verses, prayers, tips on diet, positive thinking etc. It is true, "A friend loves at all times, and a brother is born for adversity." Proverbs 17:17

Some of the things I and my family have been priviledged to receive: lunch (brought by a dear friend who came to visit); fruits; bread, cakes, cookies and chocolates (I am cutting down but the kids love it!); reading material on cancer care, healthy diet; Orased jel for my sore gums; caps and bandannas to cover my bald head; special shampoo for my scalp, etc.

Apart from physical things, we received acts of service: offers to take me to the doctor for my appointments and to sit with me during the chemo; transport for the kids to tuition; doctor friends offered to make house calls. Today, my friend's mum who's been battling lung cancer and brain cancer called to comfort me, give me tips on coping and fighting with cancer!

More than anything, just knowing that we are being remembered and upheld in prayer daily means so much to me. We have been blessed by you and we pray and look forward to opportunity to bless you in return.

This year our church will be going to Melaka for our annual church "camp" (more like a conference as it is held in a hotel!). I won't be able to go although I was really wanting to. The theme is "Strength in Weakness", they'll be studying the second letter of the apostle Paul to the church in Corinth. I just want to leave you with an extract from 2 Corinthians 1:3-11.

Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves have received from God. For just as the sufferings of Christ flow over into our lives, so also through Christ our comfort overflows. ... We were under great pressure, far beyond our ability to endure, so that we despaired even of life. Indeed, in our hearts we felt the sentence of death. But this happened that we might not rely on ourselves but on God, who raises the dead. He has delivered us from such a deadly peril, and he will deliver us. On him we have set our hope that he will continue to deliver us, as you help us by your prayers. Then many will give thanks on our behalf for the gracious favor granted us in answer to the prayers of many.

Pulling Out My Hair!

My hair's started to fall out! Yesterday night while brushing my hair at bedtime I noticed more hair than usual falling out. So I got Reuben to take a photo of me while all my shoulder length hair is still intact. Will post the after photo when it's all gone.

Today I read of a woman who's planning to shave all her long hair off at a fund raiser for the children's cancer fund. Her hair will be donated to make wigs for children with cancer. That is a brave and magnanimous woman - she has a choice and she's choosing to lose it for someone else.

This morning, as I brushed my hair, more hair fell out. Being kind of free, I sat in the bathroom and counted them out. There were approx 300 strands of hair that fell out (I lost count after 200+).

Did you know that an average human head has 100,000 hair follicles? I don't know whether someone actually counted them up. I do know Jesus said that even the very hairs on our head are numbered (see below) - He knows the exact number i have! I don't think even my very loving husband would want to count the hairs on my head.

Matthew 10:29-31 Are not two sparrows sold for a penny? Yet not one of them will fall to the ground apart from the will of your Father. And even the very hairs of your head are all numbered. So don't be afraid; you are worth more than many sparrows.

As a child, i used to dislike my head of very curly spiral-curl hair. When i was little, my mum used to keep my hair very short ("Yankee style" she would tell the hair-dresser) as she did not have time to help me brush. Each time my hair started to grow a bit unruly (other kids and even teachers would tease me, calling me a gollywog), I would get it all cut off. I kept that hairstyle until I was in my late teens.

In Australia, as a student, I began to appreciate my curls and decided to let my hair grow out. After 2 years, I had shoulder length hair. Often when people meet me for the first time or even total strangers would inevitably ask me "Is your hair naturally curly?" followed by "Are you chinese?" when I answer in the affirmative. Other questions follow, "Have you ever tried straightening it?"; or advice like "You can always try re-bonding."; still others would comfort me with "think of the money you save in perming".

I am actually quite happy with my hair so it's going to be an interesting experience losing it all and re-growing it.

Feeling Good

"What does it feel like to inject yourself with the booster shots?" my sister asked.

It was actually quite easy. I opened the pack and had a good look at the needle and the syringe. The needle was fine and short (1cm) and the amount to inject was only 0.5 ml (I think or 5 ml). I just cleaned an area of tummy fat with alcohol swab, fixed the needle on the syringe, got rid of the air. Then I took a deep breath - pierced my skin with the needle - breathed out slowly while pressing on the plunger.

I had the booster shots on Tue, Wed, Thu. On Thursday morning, i woke up feeling pretty good - well rested, no aches & pains, no fatigue. I was more able to sit and focus, managed to do some bible study etc.

In fact I felt so good I even baked in the evening! 9 little loaves of citrus and poppyseed cake. A few friends came to pick up their cakes in the evening and have a chat. All in all a very good day.

For This I Have Jesus

A few days ago, I was thinking of my secondary school teacher who was cynical about Christianity. She loved to say it is a religion that promised "a pie in the sky when you die".

I have to tell you though that she was mistaken. The eternal life that Jesus promises is for now AND for the future. A song I learnt recently puts this truth beautifully - everything i experience in life the good and bad, i share it with Jesus. Isn't that great? I pray that I may be faithful to him in every situation I go through. Sometimes I think my little hand is holding on tight to His, but really, He is holding tight and He never lets go.

However God promises in the bible that because Jesus was resurrected, those who believe in him will also be resurrected. So Jesus is good for now and for eternity.

John 11:25-26 Jesus said to her, "I am the resurrection and the life. He who believes in me will live, even though he dies; 26and whoever lives and believes in me will never die.

1 Corinthians 15:19 "If only for this life we have hope in Christ, we are to be pitied more than all men."

For This I Have Jesus
For the joys and for the sorrows
The best and worst of times
For this moment, for tomorrow
For all that lies behind
Fears that crowd around me
For the failure of my plans
For the dreams of all I hope to be
The truth of what I am

For this I have Jesus
For this I have Jesus
For this I have Jesus,
I have Jesus (Repeat)

For the tears that flow in secret
In the broken times
For the moments of elation
Or the troubled mind
For all the disappointments
Or the sting of old regrets
All my prayers and longings
That seem unanswered yet

For the weakness of my body
The burdens of each day
For the nights of doubt and worry
When sleep has fled away
Needing reassurance
And the will to start again
A steely-eyed endurance
The strength to fight and win

Graham Kendrick Copyright © 1994
Make Way Music, http://www.grahamkendrick.co.uk/
All rights reserved. International copyright secured. Used by permission.

Cycle 1 Wk 1

Praise God for the 1 week milestone which I passed yesterday. I must report that while I expected the worst side effects, I only experienced them very minimally. Fatigue, some aches and pains, queasiness on a couple of days, runny stools, sore gums - that's about it.

Yesterday, I went back to the doctors to have a blood test (full blood count). My white blood cell count was low so I had to have booster jabs for 3 consecutive days. The nurse gave me the injection in my tummy fat. Instead of going back today and tomorrow for the injections (waste of time, parking charges - astronomical in Gleneagles) I said I will do it myself or get someone to do it.

I could have asked my mum to help - she's a midwife by training - but I chose to inject myself. Maybe it's just my stubborn streak. It was not too difficult and years of watching my mum do it for her patients gave me confidence to do it!

Today I was reading my BSF notes on Matthew 8 about the Roman centurion who asked Jesus to heal his servant. He is an example of living by faith and not by sight!

5When Jesus had entered Capernaum, a centurion came to him, asking for help. 6"Lord," he said, "my servant lies at home paralyzed and in terrible suffering." 7Jesus said to him, "I will go and heal him." 8The centurion replied, "Lord, I do not deserve to have you come under my roof. But just say the word, and my servant will be healed. 9For I myself am a man under authority, with soldiers under me. I tell this one, 'Go,' and he goes; and that one, 'Come,' and he comes. I say to my servant, 'Do this,' and he does it." 10When Jesus heard this, he was astonished and said to those following him, "I tell you the truth, I have not found anyone in Israel with such great faith. 11I say to you that many will come from the east and the west, and will take their places at the feast with Abraham, Isaac and Jacob in the kingdom of heaven. 12But the subjects of the kingdom will be thrown outside, into the darkness, where there will be weeping and gnashing of teeth." 13Then Jesus said to the centurion, "Go! It will be done just as you believed it would." And his servant was healed at that very hour.

The notes say, "The centurion's faith was absolute. He did not need to see at once the answer. Christ's word was enough. He knew he had already received the answer to his prayer and was content to wait until he reached home to see it. Faith is being sure of what we do not see (Hebrews 11:1)." Amen!

Summary

Thanks to those who read and gave feedback on by blog. I may have lost some of you in the midst of all my rambling - some people thought I was still in Melbourne! Here's a summary.

Sat, 3 May - arrived home in Singapore about 5 pm
Mon, 5 May - saw the oncologist and the ENT specialist. Will wait for FISH test results before starting chemo.
Tue, 6 May - started chemotherapy.

My breast cancer is classified as Stage 3 since there are 4 nodes and 3 lymph nodes involved. I have HER2 positive (3+ve) tumor. It means the tumor has too many Human Epidermal growth factor Receptor 2 gene, making the cells go beserk. It is a very aggressive type of cancer but also very treatable. I am being treated with trastuzumab (Herceptin) which is a monoclonal antibody that targets these tumor cells. I am also being treated with 2 other chemo drugs - taxotere and carboplatin.

I had the first cycle of chemo last Tuesday 6 May and thankfully, the side effects have been minimal so far. Apart from some queasiness, some aches and pains, tiredness, soreness in the throat and gums, I have been well. God is gracious to me. I don't know if the other cycles of chemo will be like this or does the effect get worse?

My hair is due to fall out on day 14 of chemo (20 May). I need to go shop for a wig soon - I joked with the kids that I'll get straight hair and perhaps even a blonde wig. Will post pictures when that takes place.

I'm learning to take things easy, following my body's rhythm. The last 3 days i took a walk with the kids each evening even though I really felt rather lazy.

Reading the bible each morning and praying helps me keep focused. I have had much time to think, reflect on the things I read. I am recalling many things to be thankful for and many past experiences that remind me that God is real, good, trustworthy, faithful.

Today I actually felt hungry! Siew Ling & Eric from church baked a pineapple cake and brought ice cream and we had a lovely tea together!

Happy Mothers' Day!

Exodus

I've been reading the book of Exodus again since early April - how timely. Exodus reminds me God is omnipotent - all powerful. God is also all good (omni ?).

God is not just willing to help, He is able to help His people. Imagine if God was good but powerless: it would be pointless believing in Him. Or imagine God all powerful but bad: He would be a tyrant.

In Exodus, I see a God who sees, hears and acts on behalf of His people. He redeems and rescues. He is the cloud that led and provided shelter in the scorching days in the desert. He is the pillar of fire that gives light, warmth, protection in the desolate desert nights. He leads, guides, provides, refreshes, feeds, heals. What a great God we have! God is indeed my all in all!

Exodus 19: 4-6 'You yourselves have seen what I did to Egypt, and how I carried you on eagles' wings and brought you to myself. Now if you obey me fully and keep my covenant, then out of all nations you will be my treasured possession. Although the whole earth is mine, you will be for me a kingdom of priests and a holy nation.'

1 Peter 2:9-10 But you are a chosen people, a royal priesthood, a holy nation, a people belonging to God, that you may declare the praises of him who called you out of darkness into his wonderful light. Once you were not a people, but now you are the people of God; once you had not received mercy, but now you have received mercy.

Down Under 2

Tue 29 Apr - Fri 2 May 2008 - In Melbourne, Reuben and I spent some quality time together - talking, discussing, praying. We prayed for clear direction from the Lord on treatment options.

Wed 30 April 2008 - The cancer institute social worker called. The institute was willing to undertake my treatment free of charge! Wow, I was overwhelemed by this provision from the Lord, totally unasked for although He knew my anxiety.

Appointment with Dr Pru Francis - the key component in my treatment Herceptin was costly and would not be covered by the institute - we would have to appeal to Medicare. There was an option of participating in a 15-mth clinical trial and the drugs will be free. Knowing that the Medicare door was closed to us, and not wanting to separate the family, we discussed, prayed with Pastor Chris and knew God was leading us back to Singapore for treatment.

While in Melbourne, we had privilege to enjoy fellowship and hospitality of relatives and friends. We visited with mum's brothers and sisters-in-law Leslie and Irene and Teck Leng and Chow Wan and their families. Aunty Irene organised a 14 course get-together dinner where we got to meet our cousins and their children.

We had dinner with Carol - my very good friend from primary school, Sunday school, youth group - and her husband Dr Alan Tan and their children. We also had dinner with Jensen and Yvonne Low - ex Prinsep members - and family who relocated to Melbourne.

In between I went for MRI scan of the brain and heart imaging - PTL! (Praise the Lord) cancer has not spread to the brain and my heart is healthy!

We arrived home in Singapore at about 5 pm on Saturday 3rd May to the surprise and delight of the children.

Down Under 1

Sunday 27 April 2008 - Reuben's dad, Richard, arrived from Brisbane at 6 am to help us supervise the kids and drive them to tuition etc etc. At church, many brothers and sisters rallied around to comfort us, pray with us. We are so blessed to be loved by you all. Sunday night we took the flight to Melbourne.

Monday 28 April 2008 - On arrival we drove to the home of our friends, Dr Peter Choong and his wife Kerry. We enjoyed their generous hospitality for 4 nights. Peter had made an appointment for me to see surgeon, Dr Michael Henderson 3pm.

With a few hours to fill, we went into the city, visited the Medicare office. Medicare is Autralia's universal health insurance programme for citizens and permanent residents. Since we are both citizens we thought we should apply for it. I could potentially enjoy free/highly subsidised medical treatment in Australa.

The process for applying for a Medicare card was not too difficult. One photo ID required and 2 documents that show home address in Australia. Unfortunately as we have not been living in Australia since 1991, we were not eligible. It was tempting to just produce some documents and get the card, but it was an integrity issue. I walked out heavy hearted.

After a hot lunch - Melbourne is cold! - we ran some errands before going to the doctors appt. In the meantime, Reuben's mum also arrived in Melbourne to give us support. Kristy, our sister in law went to the airport to pick her up.

Dr Henderson reviewed my scans, reports etc., and also recommended treatment chemo before surgery. I told him instinctively I wanted the tumour removed as quickly as possible. His answer in layman's terms. "No one ever died from breast cancer if it stayed in the breast. It's when it spreads to other organs that it can kill." So chemo was to kill off the cells that have escaped. More tests were ordered - blood test, cardiac imaging, MRI.

Met mum-in-law, Molly, and sis-in-law Kristy and our nephew and niece, Isaiah and Syrah in he cancer centre lobby. We had a lovely Indian & Chinese dinner at the home of Reuchlin (Reuben's brother) and Kristy.

Place to Trust God

Thursday 8 May 2008 - Today is day 3 after chemo. I thank God for being gracious to me. The side effects have been minimal - tiredness, some aching in the joints, a dry throat - nothing to complain about.

One of the wonderful things about studying the bible with a group of like-minded Christians is how we are constantly teaching, being taught, reminded of God by one another. We hone each other, strenghten one another. Col 3:16 "Let the word of Christ dwell in you richly as you teach and admonish one another with all wisdom, and as you sing psalms, hymns and spiritual songs with gratitude in your hearts to God."

One of them sent me this reminder.
"One inspiring statement you made which springs to mind often whenever things seem out of (my) hand - To be in a place where you have to trust God is a good place to be in."

Rom 8:28; 38-39 "And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose. For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord.

Psalm 18:2,28,29. The LORD is my rock, my fortress and my deliverer; my God is my rock, in whom I take refuge. He is my shield and the horn of my salvation, my stronghold. You, O LORD, keep my lamp burning; my God turns my darkness into light. With your help I can advance against a troop; with my God I can scale a wall.

This was by no means an original thought. Our Pastor Rev Chris Chia had shared this with me when i struggled with the decision to quit my job (i was worried about finances) in 1998 to take care of the kids.

Another sister sent me this reminder:
"What you shared with us in one lecture helps - Our God is too loving to be unkind and too wise to make a mistake. I'm thankful that He is our hiding place where we can enter and be at rest in such times. May His peace rule in your heart and family's too."

Confusion

Friday April 26th - During our appointment with Dr Karen Yap when she confirmed my cancer diagnosis, we spoke about what the next step would be. I wanted to know when we should do surgery. She said I should see an oncologist first to decide on the course of treatment. Chemotherapy may come first to shrink the tumour before surgery. She referred me to Dr Karmen Wong. In the meantime, more tests were ordered.

Friday evening was tough. We had received much information, offers of help, many anecdotal sharing from friends and family of their own cancer treatment (surgery first before chemo). Reuben's good friend, Dr Peter Choong, invited us to visit the Peter Macallum Cancer institute in Melbourne where he works. He would make the arrangements and even offered to put us up at his place.

I was very unsure about it - going to Australia for treatment would mean separation from the children for a prolonged period of time! It also meant extra expense. I was resistant to the idea although everyone else urged me to go.

I was very unwilling to run and chase every lead and grasp at every straw. I needed time to digest the information and think. We prayed for clear direction and leading.

Late Friday night I agreed to go to Australia. It was the assurance from Reuben that this is only for a second opinion before we make any decisions that gave me freedom to go.

Saturday 27 April 2008 - Went to the SIA office first thing in the morning to redeem 2 tickets to Melbourne, leaving Singapore Sun night. Proceeded to pick up PET scan results and images from Dr Karen Yap's clinic.

Then off to see Dr Karmen Wong, the oncologist - a fellow believer. We liked Dr Wong the moment we met her. She's open, looks you in the eye, straight talking. She didn't shove a treatment plan down our throats but explained different cancer cells, options for treating each. Results for another set of test for the cancer was due back only on Mon so we could not proceed much further.

We mentioned wanting to get a second opinion in Melbourne and she gave us 2 oncologists to contact. In fact, she called them up on Monday to make appointments for me! We left her office feeling better.

We thank God for the people He provided to help us, Dr Karen Yap and Dr Koh Wan Lin from our church, Dr Karmen Wong a fellow Christian.

My dear sisters from BSF - Siew Lian, Lee Ling, Tai Wan and Joyce came to pray with and for me late that night.

Coping with News

Wed 23-Thu 24 April 2008 - much was going through our heads. i was still optimistic that it may be a benign tumor but Reuben was thinking ahead. He called and discussed with family members, called a few friends etc to check treatment options.

Reuben was more affected than I and his anxiety rubbed off on the kids. He kept telling me, "I don't know what I'd do if you die! I will be depressed!" To which I replied, "I'm not going to die yet!"

I had told the kids that we don't know for sure until Thursday or Friday whether I definitely have cancer and they accepted that.

On Thursday night, Reuben prayed with the kids and gave them a pep talk. He told them that it was very likely I had cancer, would have to have surgery, chemotherapy and my hair would all fall out, I might die etc. Our 3rd child David also thought ahead (like his dad) and said, "If mum dies, you can not remarry, I don't want to have another mummy!" It's nice to know I am irreplaceable to David (and to the rest although they didn't verbalise it)!

When i went into say good night, the girls had blankets pulled up over their faces and were in tears! "Mum, dad says your hair is going to all fall out!" Oh dear, how to comfort them? "It will grow again, I could wear a wig in the meantime. Think about it, for once I could have straight hair or even blonde hair if I wanted!" In the boys' room, Jonathan also had his blanket pulled over his face. He wasn't crying but he was upset and depressed. David was fiesty as ever; different way of coping. Prayed again with them and then said goodnight.

My coping strategy? Over the past weeks of studying and teaching the book of Matthew in BSF God had given me precious lessons and reminders. Matt 6&7 reminds me not to be anxious (tall order) but to pray and depend on God for all my needs physical and spiritual. I have the privilege of praying to my heavenly Father (not an impersonal God) who delights to give good things. He promises that if I seek him first, he will give me all else that I need. If I obey Christ's teaching and and build my house on the rock of Christ, no storm can destroy my house. God's word assures me. I know I am safe and secure in His will and care. I am a child of the heavenly father who is all powerful, all knowing, loving, kind, He is with me and will supply ALL we need.

I told the Lord I am prepared to die when He wants to take me. I settle my accounts with God daily and ask Him to show me how I have sinned and displeased him so I may confess and be forgiven.

But I also tell the Lord daily my desire to live. I have much I need to do, children to raise, a husband to help, God's work to do. So I pray and pour out my my heart to ask for complete healing and restoration. At the same time, i pray "Your will be done". I choose to delight in the Lord, He will give me the desires of my heart. Amen!

Start of Chemotherapy

At 3.30pm today we decided to start chemo-therapy after results from the FISH test showed +ive to Herceptin.
Doris will undergo TCH a combination of Chemotherapy and Herceptin.
The first cycle starts today for 3 hours and she will then have the next cycle in 21 days time, during the next few days she will face possible side-effects and low white blood cell count day 7-8. Please pray for minimal side effects and strength over the first week.
She will loose her hair after the 14th day.

Jonathan, Alisha, David and Janice are in the midst of exams and will continue until May 14th. Reuben will continue to work in Singapore and the company has been really supportive during this time.

Will keep you all posted as often as we can

Teo Family

PET Scan

Friday 25 April 2008 - went back to Karen in the morning. The results came back positive for cancer in both breast nodes and lymph nodes. Proceeded to Shaw Centre for PET (Positron Emission Tomography) scan - to see if the cancer has spread to the other organs. Recognised our friend Dr Koh Wan Lin's name listed as one of the radiologists there.

Process for PET scan took quite long. First change into hospital gown, briefed on the procedure, blood sugar tested, drink 2 cups of some foul tasting solution, have a drip set up, injection of radioactive glucose solution. Lie absolutely still for an hour while the glucose is absorbed. I prayed, meditated on scripture then fell asleep and when I woke up, decided to press the call button (in case they had forgotten me!). Went in for a scan which took about 45 minutes.

Wan Lin asked her colleague to look at the results and gave us preliminary results - good news, cancer had not spread, still in the breast and axillary (arm pit) lymph nodes! Praise the Lord!

Went home for dinner and prepare for discipleship group (DG) meeting at our house. Wan Lin called again to confirm that the results are confirmed, has not spread beyond the axillary nodes. Praise God! We shared the news with our DG mates after bible study and then prayed together.

Discouraging Delays

Monday 5 May 2008. I was supposed to start chemotherapy. However, the results for the FISH test (not sure what it stands for) has not come back from the pathology lab. My MRI and PET scans indicated some infection in my sinuses which needs to be investigated further.

Went to see an ENT surgeon and underwent a CT scan.

In 1992-93 I had numerous episodes of sinusitis. I had several Antral Washes and then a FESS (functional endoscopic sinus surgery) done. The ENT surgeon then found and removed fungus growing in my sinuses. If there is fungus growing in my sinuses now, it may have to be dealt with before chemo. Reason is that chemo will suppress my immune system and the fungus could grow into my eyes, brain etc. which will not be good. Chemo scheduled to start 6 May instead.

Tuesday 6 May 2008. Got a call from the ENT surgeon - CT scan indicative of fungal growth, minimal risk but asked me to consider another FESS to remove the growth. I was discouraged - FESS is not a major surgery but I remember that post operatively I felt very uncomfortable. To do a surgery would delay my cancer treatment by another week!

For the first time since my diagnosis I really cried. I didn't feel like I had the strength and energy to fight on another front. I called my friend Esther who cautioned against missing the forest for the trees. I frantically tried to search the net for information. It didn't yield much.

About 1.45 pm I went down to the kitchen for lunch. In that quiet moment was assured by the Lord to go ahead with the chemo. Just then the oncologist, Dr Karmen Wong, called and discussed with Reuben - chemo is on! I had an appointment at 2.30pm, made it to the clinic at 2.45pm.

The chemo regimen I am on is TCH (Taxotere, Carboplatin and Herceptin). The intravenous infusion today took almost 4 hours. Praise God I am feeling ok. Going to sleep now.

Discovery

I thought I'd start to document what's happened so far with my breast cancer. So much has happened and the days pass quickly. If I don't capture them I might forget.

Sometime around 14 April, I detected a lumpy mass on my right breast. Although my breasts tend to be lumpy, this time it was different. The lump was kind of hard and did not go away as the lumps usually do. I called the GP to check when the lady doctor would be in.

Saturday 19 April 2008 - went to see my GP about this funny lump in my right breast and a few other matters that needed attention. She was concerned and asked me to see a breast surgeon.

Over the weekend we asked around among friends for recommendations. Also surfed the net for breast specialists in Singapore. Adrian Tan our elder and good friend suggested Dr Karen Yap who also attends ARPC. Another friend had also recommended her

Monday 21 April 2008 - Reuben called and made an appointment with Karen for Tuesday afternoon. I tried to make an appointment with another doctor but was unable to get through both times I called.

Tuesday 22 April 2008 - after BSF class, saw Karen at 2.30 pm, had an ultrasound in her clinic. Proceeded to have a mammogram and detailed ultrasound at Paragon. Results of imaging came in later that evening - there were 4 lumps in my breast of varying sizes - largest were 2 cm and 1.5 cm. 3 lymph nodes were also enlarged - highly suspicious. We decided to do a biopsy straight away. Karen and her staff stayed to do the biopsy. It was about 8 pm when I reached home.

The results would only be out in 2-3 days - nothing to do but wait and pray.