Songs of Faith

Many beautiful songs and hymns are born of adversity, of pain and suffering. How will you know your faith is true if it is never tested? Some stuff that looks like gold will be revealed as plastic dipped in gold paint when it is put through fire.

A song that I've just discovered about rejoicing in God, not the circumstances.

"Rejoice in the Lord" By Ron Hamilton
God never moves without purpose or plan,
When trying His servant and molding a man.
Give thanks to the LORD, though your testing seems long,
In darkness, He giveth a song.

Chorus
O REJOICE IN THE LORD!
He makes no mistake
He knoweth the end of each path that I take!
For when I am tried and purified,
I shall come forth as gold.

I could not see through the shadows ahead,
So I looked at the cross of my Saviour instead.
I bowed to the will of the Master that day,
Then peace came, and tears fled away!

Now I can see testing comes from above,
God strengthens His children, and purges in love.
My Father knows best, and I trust in His care;
Through purging, more fruit I will bear.

You can watch a video and listen to the song on YouTube http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZyDOtcBX8M8

5th cycle

My 5th chemotherapy session was scheduled for yesterday, but was postponed to today. Dr KW wanted me to go back to the surgeon to do an ultrasound measurement of the tumor to check if it was responding well to the drugs.

I recently read an article on breast cancer treatment, published in Scientific American, which my friend Corrie passed to me. The article traced the development of breast cancer treatment from the 19th century to now. Herceptin, the monoclonal antibody that is being used to treat my cancer has only been in use since 1998 but already studies have shown that cancer cells can develop resistance to it.

So to ensure that we were on the right track, it was best to check that my tumor is shrinking and not becoming resistant. My tumors have not completely disappeared but the 2 largest ones which were measure have certainly shrunk. My CEA tumor marker (Carcino-embryonic Antigen) has also gone down to the normal range of 3.7ug/L (normal is <4.7ug/L).

We rejoice to receive this good report. My blood count is marginally low. My red blood count is 3.35x10 to the power of 12/L (normal range is 4.2-5.4). As a result of the low red blood cells I tire more easily and pant just after climbing one flight of stairs! My white blood cell count is also low 3x10 to the power of 9/L (normal range is 4-10). So I am more susceptible to infections.

I'll be having my final chemo session on 20 Aug and surgery is scheduled for mid-end September. Blood count needs to be in the normal range for surgery to proceed.

Covet your prayers for:-

• body to produce blood cells;
• resistance to illness;
• diverticulitis to completely subside so I can go back to eating normal food;
• tumor cells to die and tumor to continue to shrink so the surgery will be uncomplicated.

Psalm 139:13-14 For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother's womb. I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well.

Suffering

About a year ago, I was studying the book of Romans and mulling over the question of whether I had suffered. To me, suffering would include things like going through disasters, losing everything, having to endure interminable pain or illnesses. My life experiences did not really count as "suffering".

I asked Reuben whether he thought I had suffered in my life. He thought I had - loss of loved ones, financial crises, rejection by friends, disappointments and failures etc.

More recently a friend was pondering why I had to suffer cancer - is there some greater purpose?

Let me share with you some of my thoughts about suffering - some are just general observations, others are truths I learnt from the bible and I don't have complete answers yet.

Suffering is the common lot of man - everyone suffers. If you haven't ever suffered yet, it's only a matter of when and to what extent. Some suffering comes as a consequence of what we do - i.e. reaping what we sow. Others because of the actions of others since whatever we do impacts others even when we don't see it immediately (think drink driving, adultery's impact on families. climate change etc.).

Most suffering occurs because all is not well in our world. The bible says because of sin and enmity with God, our world is imperfect/fallen and everything is subject to decay. The bible says that the whole of creation is groaning as in birth pangs awaiting the day when things will be restored. As part of the created order, our bodies are decaying, we get sick etc.

The difference for me as a Christian is that when I go through suffering, I don't suffer alone. God is with me. This experience of walking through the valley of shadow of death has drawn me closer to God - knowing He is with me, experiencing His peace in turmoil, His strength in fear and weakness, seeing His hope in moments of despair. Appreciating His kindness and goodness daily. I also experience God's love poured out through the love of friends and loved ones.

The other thing the bible teaches me about suffering as a Christian is that it is not pointless nor hopeless. I may not see the point right now but I know the promises God has given. My suffering is temporary and will result in good. My suffering is God's way of molding me to be more like Jesus; He is building my character.

There are many lessons to be learnt through this journey - one of them is a reminder that although I may think I'm in charge, in reality I am totally dependent on God. My next breath could be my last. I'm reminded to live each moment in readiness that it could be my last.

I don't think my suffering is anything out of ordinary, or extreme, just "generic" suffering. I have friends who have very chronic, long term illnesses where there seem no end - they have it much harder.

I'm not saying that people who are not Christians do not endure or overcome life suffering well. The human spirit is tenacious and strong and I have seen many who have triumphed over their circumstances. The above is my personal belief which are anchored on promises in the bible.

Romans 5:2b-5 "We rejoice in the hope of the glory of God. Not only so, but we also rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and chareacter hope; and hope does not disappoint us because God has poured out His love into our hearts by the Holy Spirit whom He has given us."

God Will Take Care of You

Some people asked at church today if I'd been unwell and therefore have not been updating my blog since last Thursday. I'm sorry to have caused concern but thank you for your concern.

Praise the Lord, I have been feeling well this week. In fact after the fever subsided, I've been feeling well. Just tired, lethargic and lazy... too lazy to update the blog... just doing the necessary from day to day. I do feel weaker physically, I get muscle ache after climbing up a flight of stairs and breathlessness after 2 flights. Was thinking that's what our elderly parents/in-laws feel when we try to make them walk at our pace... must be more sensitive to their needs.

I had a follow up appointment with the gastro surgeon, Dr Hoe, on Wed. The visit was encouraging - from what he could palpate, the inflammation in my ascending colon has subsided somewhat. There is still some firmness there so I'm on another course of antibiotics - Augmentin this time. I'm to remain on the soft diet (easily digestible food) with no fibre (i.e. novegetables and fruits) for another 2 weeks.

My mum attends Glory Presbyterian Church and each Thursday she meets with a group of elderly ladies for prayer, bible reading and visitation. Last Thursday about 12 of them (a vanful) came to visit me, accompanied by Pastor Yap. The visit was brief - just some short conversation, then they a hymn(God will take care of you) and they bowed in heart-felt prayer for me. Then off they went to visit another homebound senior in Ghim Moh and a critically ill member at NUH.

I was touched by their visit - some of them are in their 80s and struggled to climb up the stairs in my home but they came anyway just to bring words of encouragement and cheer. It puts me to shame - the last time I visited someone in hospital was in Janary 08.

God Will Take Care Of You
Be not dismayed whate'er betide, God will take care of you;
Beneath His wings of love abide, God will take care of you.

Chorus: God will take care of you, thro' everyday, o'er all the way;
He will take care of you, God will take care of you.

Thro' days of toil when heart doth fail, God will take care of you;
When dangers fierce you path assail, God will take care of you.

No matter what may be the test, God will take care of you;
Lean, weary one,upon His breast, God will take care of you.

Psalm 91:4 He will cover you with his feathers, and under His wings you will find refuge; His faithfulness will be your shield and rampart.
(in case you're wondering,a rampart or bulwark is a permanent, high, broad ,defensive and protective wall of a fortress - God's faithfulness is the source of our confidence).

Infection 2

At 4.30 this morning, I woke up feeling different... I went to the bathroom to check my temperature and my fever had finally subsided - that's a relief!

I could tell Dr KW was not very "happy" yesterday that my fever was still a high of 38.5C despite having given me intravenous antibiotic (Avelox) on Monday. She ordered a full blood count - I will be hospitalised if there is no uptrend in the results despite having taken a white blood cell booster.

After giving my blood sample, I was sent up to Dr Michael Hoe the gastro surgeon to review CT scan of my abdomen an pelvis. He showed me that there was inflammation of the colon wall, reducing the opening to about 1cm diameter. Oral antibiotics (Flagyl) was prescribed to kill the anaerobic bacteria. For the next 2 weeks I am not to take vegetables and fruits! Instead my diet consists of easily digestible foods - white rice porridge, mee suah, etc. (Maybe I'll lose some weight with this diet...) My friend Susie sent me an e-mail with cantonese soup and porridge recipes. I looked up the internet and found a host of other information on diverticulitis diet.
(then again, maybe not...)

Another friend Alison Chong told me not to eat raw foods and leftovers since my immunity is low - why didn't I think of that before?

Infection

Been feeling under the weather... feverish chills the last 2 nights kept me from sleeping soundly.

I took my temperature this morning - it was 38.6C so i popped 2 Panadol tablets and called Dr KW's clinic. "Please come in for blood tests". I got there about 11.30am and immediately had blood taken then waited for the results. I saw Dr KW at about 12.30pm - blood test results confirm an infection - white blood and red blood count both low.

Dr KW checked my throat and listened to my chest. She ordered intravenous antibiotics. I told her about my aches and pains, bleeding gums, fainting spells, abdominal pain. I hopped onto the couch and she checked my abdomen...

I've been having pain in the right side of my abdomen since Monday night. It's so tender all last night that even walking was painful... The location of the pain made her suspect appendicitis. Oh dear! I had to go and see a gastro surgeon a few stories up. Spent about 1/2 hour there reviewing history, then physical examination. He said it was suspicious but not conclusive - so I was sent to have a CT scan of the abdomen and pelvis. If the scan confirms appendicitis, we would have to have surgery immediately to take it out! The surgeon booked an operating theatre and booked me a room.

I was discouraged and tearing as I walked over to have the scan. I prayed that it will not be appendicitis. My friend Ling Ling heard i was at the doctors and came to keep me company. Reuben came later most upset that I may have to have surgery when my immunity is low.

After the scan it was back to Dr KW for my antibiotic drip and wait for the results of my CT scan. Reuben popped in to speak to her and she was most reassuring - we will only proceed with operation if absolutely necessary. Dr KW called the imaging department and spoke to the doctor - good news! I do not have appendicitis after all, I have diverticulitis and Dr KW added another antibiotic to my regime.

It's been a day of lows but God is good, he sent an my friend Ling Ling to sit with me and minister to me.

Cycle 4

This latest cycle of chemo has hit me harder than the first 3...

Sleeplessness is a problem - the red blood cell booster causes aches and pains in the joints (back ribs for me) so getting a comfortable position to sleep is difficult. The soles of my feet hurt (?) and sometimes they feel swollen and heavy (they look ok though). My gums are bleeding and ulcerated, throat is sore.

My appetite's not good as expected but now I understand what others mean when they say their sense of taste and smell goes funny. Food does smell different and there is no urge to eat. I have to discipline myself and eat when it's time to eat. Hard to think of something I feel like eating though...

On Saturday morning I was trying to make some lunch while my helpers were doing gardening with Reuben. I suddenly felt faint and had to get on the floor to prevent a fall. As a teen, I used to have episodes of fainting but it hasn't happened for years... I was reminded of my human frailty.

Reuben's having a head cold. Alisha and David have been having sore throats and runny noses and Janice has a runny nose too... Do pray for protection against infection.

Do you like this colourful post? It's Janice's idea.

Psalm 73: 26 My flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever.

Insomnia

Last night I suffered from insomnia (sleeplessness). Funny how all these conditions end with "-nia" must be some Latin root?

I lay in bed for a long time before finally falling asleep. Sometime in the middle of the night, I woke up to go to the toilet and although I was tired I just could not get back to sleep. So I got up at 4.40am and read the bible and prayed. Went back to bed at 5.30am and slept til 7 am. This afternoon I had a 1-2 hour nap.

Tempted to take the sleeping tablets but don't want to be in a daze tomorrow. I think I will stay off it. Praying for a good nights' sleep.

Psalm 4:8 I will lie down and sleep in peace, for you alone, O LORD, make me dwell in safety.

Reuben's Accident

Today, Reuben had a minor accident while driving to work - he rear-ended the car in front which then rear-ended another car in front. We thank God that no one was hurt - the car he hit had 2 children in the rear seat but they were securely belted-up in their car seats. The accident was minor and repairs will be claimed through insurance.

Reuben says he's not sure how it happened, it just happened in a split second. I believe he is still under stress and has much on his mind.

In the book A Cancer Battle Plan, the author shares how friends can help support the cancer patient. A few pages (contributed by her husband) are devoted to caring for the carer (in my case, husband).

The suffering that a caretaker suffers is forgotten - especially the strong, silent husbands. They are involuntarily cast into a behind-the-scenes role, charged with keeping everything running smoothly. This can be a source of anxiety, stress, frustration and fear.

It is easy for the healthy ones to be overlooked. Some tips from the book about how friends can help give individualised attention and involvement:-

• Let them know you care and are praying specifically for them,
• Pray with/for them in person or over the phone,
• Find out what would help them most,
• Be willing to listen to their feelings and what they are going through,
• Allow the person freedom to be himself - they would appreciate interaction and "normal" conversation - not necessarily about the cancer patient.

Reuben shared with me that while at church camp, the kids would all be happily sitting with their friends at meal times. He felt "lost" not having my company and when he sat down with friends at church, the conversation inevitably centers around my condition. He really did not have much opportunity to "air" or "ventilate" his feelings.

Do pray for Reuben to cast his anxieties on the Lord, to be able to sleep well each night. It is a time to trust in the Lord for everyting. We are learning to depend on Him more because we truly cannot do much at all. Pray for our sense of security to be anchored in Christ.

1 Peter 5:6-7 "Humble yourselves, therefore, under God's mighty hand, that he may lift you up in due time. Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you. "

Anaemia

This last week I have been feeling a lot more tired than expected (based on experience of previous cycles). I felt sleepy and a bit "dull"-minded.

Today the blood test shows that my haemoglobin level has dropped from 12.0 g/dL three weeks ago to 10.4 (ref range 12.0-16.0 g/dL). The red blood cells (erythrocytes, platelets) are also lower than 3 weeks ago and lower than the minimum of the range.

The brochure Dr Wong gave says that the symptoms of me anaemia include: extreme weakness and tiredness, loss in concentration, headache, difficulty speaking (check all four) as well as shortness of breath, rapid heartbeat, dizziness or fainting, paleness.

I was still healthy enough to take the chemotherapy drugs. To counter the anaemia, DrWong gave me an erythropoetin (to boost the body's bone marrow's production) intravenously at the end of my chemo. I will also be taking liquid iron drops to increase my dietary iron. The erythropoetin costs $640 for one vial of 0.6 ml!

I am reminded that we can take many medicines and drugs for our illnesses but they may not always be effective. The healing of our bodies is from God as is spiritual healing.

Jeremiah 17:14 "Heal me, O LORD, and I will be healed; save me and I will be saved, for you are the one I praise."

Gift of Helps

Many friends in church and BSF have offered practical help e.g. to do grocery shopping, send the children to various lessons and activities. As I do enjoy going out when I can and serving my family, i don't take up the offers very much.

Linda Teo, Tai Wan and Lee Ling between them now help send Alisha to and from Chinese and Maths weekly tuition. Vera, Joyce and Elaine have been sending me to and from blood tests and chemo. Others have helped on an ad hoc basis e.g. taking my mum to the doctor when she was coughing badly. Today, Vera and Say Kiat went shopping for fish for my family.

Having experienced great fatigue this past week I think I will begin to take up more of these offers. I've asked my friend Elaine Tan, from my BSF class who also attends our church ARPC, to be the manager/coordinator for transportation. If you are able to help either regularly or on an ad hoc basis, please let Elaine know. Her e-mail is: elainetan24@hotmail.com.

I usually do my grocery shopping once and week and my helper walks to Jelita to pick up essentials like milk or if we run short. If you are going grocery shopping and it is convenient to pick something up for us, please give me a call and I can give you a list of stuff I need.

These past weeks we have been blessed with homemade bread, cards and verses of encouragement, devotional books, honey, chocolates, flowers, a plant. Thank you for blessing me and my family with your gifts and acts of service. We thank the Lord in all our remembrance of you.

Romans 12:5-8 ...in Christ we who are many form one body, and each member belongs to all the others. We have different gifts, according to the grace given us. If a man's gift is prophesying, let him use it in proportion to his faith. If it is serving, let him serve; if it is teaching, let him teach; if it is encouraging, let him encourage; if it is contributing to the needs of others, let him give generously; if it is leadership, let him govern diligently; if it is showing mercy, let him do it cheerfully.

Lifestyle Changes 1

Tuesday will be my 4th chemo cycle. The 5th and 6th are scheduled for 29 July and 19th Aug. Having come to the halfway point of chemotheraphy, i feel like i'm on the home stretch! After the final chemo, I'll have surgery sometime in September and after recovery, there will be 5 weeks of daily radiotherapy.

I was told by the surgeon I need to be healthy, strong and fit for surgery - so I'm trying to exercise more. Dr Kevin Kwok asked me to try and walk 30 mins EVERY morning AND evening. Having led a sedentary life for 40+ years, it's difficult to change - i manage to walk 3 times a week... *sigh* need to discipline myself more...

When we were in Melbourne, we stayed with Dr Peter Choong and his wife Kerry. Kerry is a very active woman, she does some form of exercise day - pilates, rowing, cycling, jogging. I need to take a leaf from her book. Kerry is a cancer survivor herself and she tells me she needs to do vigorous aerobic exercise otherwise her cancer markers will come up. So there's my motivation to exercise!

In chapter 5 - Maintaining Morale of A Cancer Battle Plan, the author gives a few attitudes that helped her develop "an emotional climate conducive to fighting the enemy (cancer)" and keep her spirits up:

• Taking charge
• Refusing to play victim
• Saying "No" to slavery
• Practicing thankfulness
• Finding humour
• Setting goals
  

  "Your body is like a garden God has given you to take care of. Right now it's full of weeds (cancer). Your job until he reclaims the garden is to do your best at getting rid of the weeds and growing the good stuff. Failure is not found in giving the garden back (dying)-that's going to happen sooner or later-but in doing less than your best with it while it's yours."

  
  

  I found the illustration helpful... my body is not my own, it belongs to God and my but I have a responsibility to take care of it, a stewardship. I should work to maintain a healthy body in order to do what God wants me to do.

  That's not to say that those whose bodies are not "normal", "healthy" or "able" cannot serve God and God's purposes. They do in special ways and I think of Joni who became paralysed neck down in a diving accident http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4vIT1RB4lPI&feature and Nick Vujicic who was born with no arms or legs http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0DxlJWJ_WfA&feature .

  For most of us, this body enables us to physically serve our families, others and God. As long as I have this body, I have a responsibility to care for and keep it healthy.

  1 Corinthians 6:19-20 Do you not know that your body is a temple of the Holy Spirit, who is in you, whom you have received from God? You are not your own; you were bought at a price. Therefore honor God with your body.

Visitors

L-R: Linda Tan, Sue Ping, Rosie, me, Linda Khoo, Ling Ling

My dear friends Rosie, Linda Khoo and Sue Ping came from Johor Baru to visit today. They started out around 6.30am, took a bus across the Causeway and then an MRT from Kranji to Buona Vista. Reuben and I picked them up then we stopped to pick some breakfast at Ghim Moh hawker centre. Linda Tan Lai Yin and Ling Ling who live in Singapore came to join us later. We had a wonderful time catching up, fellowshipping, eating and praying together. We laughed as we reminisced about our antics in school, our teachers, our years in church.

I have known these beautiful women since Standard 1 (Pri 1), except for Linda Tan who joined our school in Standard 6. We grew up together in Batu Pahat, a small town in Johor. I invited them to Sunday School and later Junior Youth Fellowship and Youth Fellowship. I used to ride my bike to Linda Khoo's place to take her to youth fellowship. She rode pillion on my bicycle! When Linda's family moved to Johor Baru, groups of us would descend on their home during the school holidays and then we would travel to Singapore together.

I thank God for these friends who journeyed with me in our early years as Christians. The love, joy and fellowship we shared then was so tangible, it attracted others to come and find out more.

I pray that each one of us will continue to faithfully walk with Christ; our love will overflow more and more; we will keep on growing in knowledge and understanding; live pure and blameless lives until the day of Christ’s return and be filled with the fruit of a righteous character produced in our lives by Jesus Christ to bring much glory and praise to God. Amen. (Philippians 1:8-11)

Been Busy

Wow! a week has just flown by so quickly and I have not had a chance to post any updates. It's been a busy, packed week but a very pleasurable one! i was able to carry on with my daily routine - I never used to think that an achievement...

I took Janice to the opthalmologist on Thursday morning for follow up on her lazy eye. Her vision has improved and now she can read 1.5 lines more than before! The daily 3-hour patching has helped. In the afternoon Rachel came with biscuits and hand cream that she had gotten hubby Bernard to carry back from London. Late evening, the boys, Spyke and I took a walk to Ghim Moh to pick something up.

Lynette and Peter came laden with breakfast on Saturday morning - prata, chwee kueh, chee cheong fun, lor mai kai, yu cha kueh - we had a feast! Breakfast was followed by singing hymns and choruses with Lynette who has the most velvety, mellow alto voice.

In the afternoon I attended a lovely wedding and reception. Alice and Anna, whom we got to know in Brisbane when they were students there, were waiting for me when I got back from the wedding. Anna had baked a perfect orange chiffon cake which we had for tea. At night, I made 4 trays of baked rice - 2 for children's church on Sunday, one for my Indonesian helpers to take to bible study and one for home.

With all this food, it's no wonder I have actually put on weight (a little) since my diagnosis! I watch what i eat but I try to eat a bit more while I can to tide me over the days when the appetite goes.

Sunday was children's church family games day followed by a "pot-luck" lunch. It was really fun for parents, children and teachers to interact through games. I sat out the games but cheered from the sidelines. The games for upper primary children were organised by one of our church's Discipleship Groups. To the delight of all, these enthusiastic, energetic and creative singles planned the games around the theme of Kungfu Panda and all of them dressed up for the part! Thank you for making the games day so special for us.

Apart from all these, I had to prepare my BSF training for leaders and lecture for the class. 2 lessons from Matthew 12: Jesus says there is no neutral ground - you are either for or against him and Jesus defines his family: those who do the will of the Father; who hear his words and put them into practice/obey.

In a week like this, except for tiredness in the afternoons, necessitating a nap, it's easy to forget I am being treated for cancer.

In less than a week I'll be going for my 4th chemo cycle. I have to admit I don't look forward to the week immediately following chemo - dreading the "sick" feeling, mild though it has been. Yet I look forward to it as it is one step closer to the end of chemo!

Psalm 16:5-6
5 LORD, you have assigned me my portion and my cup;
you have made my lot secure.

6 The boundary lines have fallen for me in pleasant places;
surely I have a delightful inheritance.