Growing and Healing

I started chemotherapy early May and the hair on my head steadily fell off until a few straggly bits were left. Then Reuben helped shave me and I was totally botak (bald).

It's been 4 months since my last chemotherapy on Aug 28,2008. After that last chemo, I lost just about all my eyelashes and eyebrows as well. They've finally grown back and even the hair on my head is now growing steadily. Praise the Lord for making bodies that are amazing in their ability to grow, regenerate.

Yesterday's oopherectomy went well. I was very drowsy from the general anesthetic and was drifting in and out of sleep until about 9 pm when Reuben and Alisha came to take me home. After getting home I just changed into PJ and promptly fell asleep.

Thank you for supporting my family and me in prayer. Today I experienced some soreness and some tiredness but otherwise am very well.

You made my whole being; you formed me in my mother's body. I praise you because you made me in an amazing and wonderful way. What you have done is wonderful. I know this very well. You saw my bones being formed as I took shape in my mother's body. When I was put together there, you saw my body as it was formed. All the days planned for me were written in your book before I was one day old. Psalm 139:13-16 (New Century Version)

Von Teo Family

Our church had a Family Christmas Eve service this year and the theme was Eternal Praise. We had participation from different groups in church fom the children to the elderly in our Mandarin ministry.

We had testimonies of the way God had answered prayers, given us miracles, our sermon was about how in the midst of chaos, suffering, unanswered questions we can know a God who has put in motion his plan of restoration and will bring it to completion.

Our family gave an item, we sang a hymn Thou Didst Leave Thy Throne. You can follow the link below and watch it. The execution was certainly not perfect but we hope you enjoy it.

http://www.arpc.net/sermons/2008/christmas/teofamilysong.MP4

“Don’t let your hearts be troubled. Trust in God, and trust also in me. There is more than enough room in my Father’s home. If this were not so, would I have told you that I am going to prepare a place for you? When everything is ready, I will come and get you, so that you will always be with me where I am. And you know the way to where I am going.” John 14:1-4 (New Living Translation)

Christmas Lunch

Today we had a family Christmas lunch with my brothers Harry, Paul and Paul's family (Ai Vee, Natasha, Felicia, Lucas).

We also had the privilege of hosting the Children's Church leaders who've been teaching Alisha, David and Janice this year and a few friends from church

We had a yummy spread of sushi, roast beef, Vietnamese salad, prawn salad, scalloped potatoes. My sis-in-law Ai Vee prepared scrumptious Javanese chicken & BBQ ribs. And for dessert, fruits, tiramisu, home made log cake, gingerbread house, red bean soup with mochi.

We ate, talked, ate some more, sang carols, played Guesstures... a wonderful time.

Christmas 2008

Reuben and I with Jonathan 13, David 10, Spyke (2human years), Alisha 12 and Janice 8

Christmas is just 4 days away...

Unlike my children who cannot wait for birthdays, Christmas, new year to come because they will be older, I am usually less enthusiastic about them... more work for me to do!

In fact, I usually feel melancholic at this time of the year. This has happened without fail for the past few years. This melancholic mood will invariably "descend" on me before Chinese New Year, before my birthday and before Christmas. I'm not sure if everyone else past middle-age feels this way about the passing of time, getting older...

This year I feel differently. Given my cancer diagnosis and treatment since April 2008, turning 44 in October was a very happy milestone for me. Being able to celebrate this Christmas with my family, to see out the year 2008 brings joy to my heart. I think I will no longer feel sad about growing older. Each day, each week, each month, each year is a bonus, a gift... to be received with gratitude and joy.

So to friends and loved ones near and far, I take this opportunity to send Christmas greetings from my home and my family, to you and your families:

As you celebrate the birth of Jesus,

may you have the love, joy, peace and hope

that comes from knowing Him as Saviour, Lord and King.

Blessed Christmas!

Luke 2:10-11 The angel said to them, "Do not be afraid. I bring you good news of great JOY that will be for all the people. Today in the town of David a Savior has been born to you; he is Christ the Lord."

Heartbreaking News

Received an e-mail today from my friend Sock Kim, who attends the same church we do. She was diagnosed with nasopharygeal cancer 2 years ago and underwent treatment.

Her latest scan shows 3 nodules (tumors) growing in her right lung. She will be going for a major lung surgery on Mon, 22 Dec 2008 to remove them. The surgery is scheduled at 8am & will take about 2-3 hrs.

Do join me to pray for this Sock Kim. Her blog www.sockkim.blogspot.com gives details and her prayer requests as follows:

Please pray that :

• the Lord will guide Prof Koong & his medical team as they perform this delicate surgery.
• nothing will go wrong during & after the surgery (eg no infection, stroke or bleeding).
• the surgery will be successful in removing all the affected areas in the right lung.
• there will be no or minimal post-surgery side-effects (eg numbness, pain).
• whatever the result (malignant or benign), the Lord will grant me His strength & peace as I go through yet another trial.

Oopherectomy

Oopherectomy is a new word I learnt this year, it means the surgical removal of ovaries.

When Dr KW first spoke to me about hormonal therapy, she asked if we planned to have any more children. I gave an emphatic "No". Reuben and I are outnumbered as it is... haha! Since I'm done with all my child-bearing, I have no issues undergoing hormonal therapy.

My cancer is hormone receptor positive - the hormone estrogen in my body turns on and stimulate the growth of breast cancer cells. Hormonal therapy (or "anti-estrogen therapy) blocks this stimulation and growth.

The drug most commonly in hormonal therapy is tamoxifen. It blocks estrogen receptors on the cells. Another type of drug which is more effective in my type of cancer is the aromatase inhibitor (AI)which lowers estrogen production. Estrogen is normally produced by the ovaries and also by fat cells in the body. AI is only effective in post-menopausal women (when estrogen is no longer produced by the ovaries).

So in order for the aromatase inhibitor to work well, i have to become post-menopausal. There are 3 ways to achieve this:

1. taking a drug Zolodex by injection into the abdominal fats every 3 months to suppress the ovaries - expensive option as I will take this for 5 years. Also pointless as after stopping this drug I will be 49 and going into menopause anyway;
2. having ovaries "zapped" by radiation to inactivate them - easiest and least invasive but the radiologist says it may not always work;
3. taking the ovaries out by surgery - oopherectomy! - most effective option.

So I will be having a key-hole surgery the week after Christmas to remove my ovaries. It will be a day surgery. Will post date later.

1 Thess 5:16-18 Be joyful always, pray continually; give thanks in all circumstances, for this is the will of God for you in Christ Jesus.

End of Radiotherapy

It's been 10 days since my daily radiotherapy (RT) sessions ended on 9 Dec 08. That was also the day of my appointment with Dr SL. She advised me to be gentle with the skin as some parts of it could break anytime. PTL that has not happened - I joked that I had "thick skin".

I saw what RT can do to the skin. There was a man I saw daily undergoing RT on his neck. The skin on his neck had broken and was "raw" and weepy. His daughter applied cream on it after radiation but it looked like the cream would not stick... I can just imagine the agony he was going through.

By the last day of therapy the skin on the right side of my chest and under the armpits were red in some parts and very brown in others. The therapists told me that it takes about 2 weeks for the side effects to go away. Right now, the skin is mostly brown, a bit leathery dry, some parts feel a bit more tender & sore but on the whole bearable. Aloe Vera gel is cooling and very helpful and I apply QV cream for the dryness.

Thank you for praying.

Psalm 121 A song of ascents.
1 I lift up my eyes to the hills— where does my help come from?
2 My help comes from the LORD, the Maker of heaven and earth.
3He will not let your foot slip— he who watches over you will not slumber;
4 indeed, he who watches over Israel will neither slumber nor sleep.
5The LORD watches over you— the LORD is your shade at your right hand;
6 the sun will not harm you by day, nor the moon by night.
7The LORD will keep you from all harm— he will watch over your life;
8 the LORD will watch over your coming and going both now and for evermore.

Homemade Christmas Cards

We have not been sending Christmas cards for several years now... just never got organised enough to do so.

This year the children and i decided to make some Christmas cards to send to relatives and friends. The girls were very diligent and the boys contributed some.

It takes quite a bit of time and effort to make these cards - we managed to make only 60 and it took many days but I think it was well worth it. We had lots of fun letting our creative juices flow. The benefits for me: lots of quality time interacting with the kids, seeing their personalities and character come out, learning lessons together.

So to my biased eyes, these are absolutely the most beautiful cards. They were made with love. We are sorry not to be able to send everyone one.

Reunion

Last Saturday, 6 Dec 08, we had a reunion with a small group of friends at my home. We all hail from Batu Pahat, a small town in Johor.

Back (L to R): Rosie Soh, Linda Khoo, Linda Tan Lai Yin, Tee Ling Ling, Chin Wei Leong

Front (L to R): Reuben, David Khoo Swee Peng, me, Leslie Lim, Christina Khaw Mei Lin, Diane Teo Lai Yong

Rosie and Linda Khoo had travelled from Johor Baru, Christina Khaw Mei Lin from Penang and Diane Teo Lai Yong from Subang. The rest of us live in Singapore. Christina and Diane are friends from secondary school, while Ling Ling, Linda Tan, Rosie, Linda Khoo are friends from primary school days. The 3 guys are a year older than us and friends from Sunday School and church Youth group.

It's wonderful to be able to catch up and see how every one has changed and grown. We chin wagged over coffee, chocolates, ta pow lunch of Katong Laksa and otah.

In July when Rosie, Linda Khoo and Sue Ping visited me, we had planned this Dec reunion in Singapore. Although not many could make it, it was really fun and noisy. I felt very privileged to have them travel so far to visit me.

Proverbs 17:17 A friend loves at all times, and a brother is born for adversity.

A Step Further

I just finished reading A Step Further, a book by Joni Eareckson Tada and Steve Estes. For those unfamiliar with it, Joni broke her neck in a diving accident when she was 17 and has been a quadriplegic (paralysed from neck down) and confined to a wheelchair for more than 35 years now. I remember reading her autobiography, Joni, as a young teen and being very impressed and touched.

In A Step Further, Joni shares her initial frustration and anger with God, the longing and search for physical healing and restoration and then the acceptance, learning to trust God in her condition. There are only 186 pages in the book, pretty easy reading but I took quite a long time - interrupted reading. Here's a short summary:

Part 1 autobiographical on the physical, emotional and spiritual struggle of of being quadriplegic;
Part 2 learning to trust God in the midst of suffering;
Part 3 reconciling the often conflicting advice, instruction, "teachings" that well-meaning Christians gave on healing;
Part 4 is called "When the Pieces Don't Fit" - Let God be God
Part 5 "When it all Fits Together" - Heaven

I found the sharing, insights and illustrations very helpful. Discussion on theological issues are put in simple everyday language - easy to read and digest. She also includes a list of other books on the topic. A highly recommended read. Joni's sharing made me think of heaven and long for the day when,

He will wipe every tear from their eyes. There will be no more death or mourning or crying or pain, for the old order of things has passed away." Revelations 21:4

"Troublesome"

That's what the daily trip to hospital for radiation therapy is to the elderly lady I met at hospital yesterday. She's a feisty 77 year old and has been treated for stage 3 ovarian cancer by chemotherapy and now being treated for stage 1 breast cancer. She misses her thrice weekly shopping trips.

I guess the daily trip to the hospital is a bit "troublesome" but the potential benefits are great so I am counting my blessings. I am thankful to be able to drive myself to and from hospital daily. Many friends have offered to take me but I feel the 8.10am appointment is not so convenient for them. I usually am able to make it home by 9.30 am and have the rest of the day with the kids.

Last Monday, we even managed to go to the zoo together with our friends Aileen, Kenneth and their boys Andrew and Aaron. Unfortunately we were rained out by lunch time...

Side effects of radiation has been minimal so far, just slight "tanning" and dryness and sometimes itchiness around the site. Apart from that I still have tightness in the right arm and chest area due to scar tissues forming. I have to remember to do my exercises daily to stretch the tissues.

Long Overdue Update

Oh, it's been a long while since the last entry... Been busy, lazy... the usual excuses.

Now that my BSF year has ended, I have a little more time... to catch up with all the other things have been put on a holding pattern.

Last Wednesday I went to see Dr Karmen and she greeted me with, "Doris, you're as strong as a bull!" I'd had a blood test taken and bone density test done the day before. The results were excellent - strong bones, no sign of osteoporosis, blood count, haemoglobin levels were all good. The only thing was an elevated level of potassium - she asked me to cut down on eating vegetables and fruit! Hmm... didn't know that eating vegies could be bad for me.

I started Radiation Therapy last Monday, 3 Nov 08, at SGH. My cousin's good friend Dr Susan Loong is taking care of me there. I'll be receiving radiotherapy for 5 weeks (25 sessions). The treatment itself takes less than 10 minutes. But the whole exercise takes about 1 hour daily - including travelling time, changing into the gown, waiting for my turn, receiving the radiation, changing out of the gown and travelling home. Once a week I have to see Dr Susan so it will take longer on those days.

So far, the only side effect is slightly darker skin (like a tan) although I expect some more side effects as time goes by. My friend Grace S who herself underwent radiotherapy this year gave me 2 tubes of aloe vera gel to apply. It helps to keep the area cool.

As my cancer is receptive to hormones, I will be going on hormone therapy (to block the action of hormones in my body) for the next 5 years. I will be taking a drug called Femara (letrozole) and for this drug to work properly, I have to become post-menopausal. Sometime next month we plan for me to have an oopherectomy (removal of ovaries).

It's kind of scary as I've heard many stories about the process of menopause - the mood swings, hot flushes etc etc. I know God will give me sufficient grace to go through it... he's promised it in the Bible.

"My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me. 2 Cor 12:9

Surprise!!

My dear friends Joyce and Vera said they would come and visit me on Tuesday, 7 Oct after BSF class. I was home, still recovering from surgery. Joyce said they'd bring some lunch for me. As Joyce is the Class Administrator and Vera the Substitute Teaching Leader of my BSF center, we often meet to discuss the work. I said okay, and did not give it much thought.

I was very surprised when, at 12 pm, a whole bunch of other ladies started turning up at my house! They were throwing me a surprise birthday party and I had not even suspected anything! These are my regular helpers and prayer supporters from my BSF class.

My regular helpers and prayer supporters from my BSF class. Clockwise from back row - Alison Chong who drove Jon to golf lessons and did grocery shopping; Linda Teo who gave Alisha Maths tuition; Goh Say Kiat who also drove Jon to golf lessons; Leong Tai Wan who gave Alisha & David Chinese tuition and drove me to BSF leaders meeting every Monday; Lee Wui Meng; Elaine Tan who drove me to BSF every Tuesday and also did grocery shopping; Joyce Moh and Vera Chek who helped in ways too numerous to recount.

They brought food to feed my whole family. We had a scrumptious meal, with much thanksgiving and laughter.

Great Physician

It's been 4 weeks since the operation and my wound is healing really well. Even the areas on my body which felt "funny" - numb and thick - immediately after surgery are recovering normal sensation again.

During my follow up visit to Dr Karen Yap on 10 Oct I had some fluid aspirated from the operation site. There was only 32ml removed - which Karen says was very good - i.e. minimal.

I also had 2 warts removed (burned off with laser!) by Dr Erik Ang - Karen's husband. It was painless because of the anesthetic but left 2 little craters in my left thumb and index finger. I'm glad my cousin Rachel was with me when the warts were being zapped - she kept talking to me and it took my mind and eye off the procedure. The one time I glanced over, the little crater in my finger made me feel just a teeny bit queasy.

Last Wed 15 Oct I returned to Dr Karmen Wong for follow up and to receive another dose of IV Herceptin (monoclonal antibody). Thankfully it does not have any side effects. We discussed and finally decided that I would go to the National Cancer Centre (NCC) at Singapore National Centre (SGH) for radiotherapy. Cousin Rachel's good friend, Dr Susan Loong, is the Senior Consultant Radiologist there. Karmen Wong was previoiusly from SGH and knows also highly recommended Susan Loong.

Radiotherapy will start in November and go on for 5 weeks, 5 days a week. On Monday I had a CT scan with markings and wires taped to my body - this is for the doctors to plan the treatment. I also received 4 tattoos (just tiny dots) as permanent reference markings to guide the radiologist.

We thank God for his provision of wonderful doctors to take care of me. Even as I receive drugs, surgery, radiation, take my health supplements, tonics, juices, etc, I am reminded that it is God who heals. He is the great Physician. "I am the Lord who heals you." Ex 15:26

My sister sent me a card with the following poem...

The One who made us knows how to mend us.
He is the Great Physician -
The only One who can heal body, soul, and spirit.
His appointment calendar is never too full...
His schedule is never too busy...
His diagnosis is accurate...
His treatment is gentle...
His results are wonderful!

Children's Choir

Last weekend, was our church's commemorative and dedication service. The Lord has grown our church from a seemingly "unpromising" start with 2 groups of 12-16 people in 2 locations, to a community about 1000 strong meeting in 3 services. It was testimony to the Lord's faithfulness. It was also testimony to the journey of faith which takes many unexpected twists and turns.

Our girls, Alisha and Janice, had the privilege of singing in the children's choir under the able leadership of Jessy Oskar and team. The choir sang Master Builder and Jesus is the King. You can follow this link to watch the video - may take a while to open: http://www.arpc.net/sermons/2008/25_25/children.mp4.

I pray you'll be blessed by the songs.

O Lord our Lord, how majestic is your name in all the earth! You have set your glory above the heavens. From the lips of children and infants you have ordained praise. Psalm 8:1-2a

Pathology Report

It's been 10 days since my surgery and the wound is healing well. Apart from some tightness in my right armpit, I have full use of my right arm. Have to be diligent in doing the post-op exercises.

My cousin Rachel Tan's been my chauffeur this week accompanying me to the doctors, treating me to breakfast and morning tea. Rae is a most fun person to hang out with... she's smart, well informed and we have a good laugh all the time.

I went to see Karen Yap on Monday to remove the drainage tube and again today for a follow-up. She did an ultrasound scan of the operation site. The amount of fluid accumulated was not excessive. That's great, i.e. no need to have the fluid aspirated (removed with a syringe).

The even better news is that the pathology report on the breast is out. There is only a 0.7cm diameter tumor left in the tissue. There is no cancerous cell detected in the lymph nodes. The chemotherapy has been effective and killed off practically all the cancer cells. Praise the Lord!

The effects of chemotherapy are wearing out too and I am less prone to fatigue. At least now my legs don't ache from just climbing up one flight of stairs.

Hear, O LORD, and be merciful to me; O LORD, be my help." You turned my wailing into dancing; you removed my sackcloth and clothed me with joy, that my heart may sing to you and not be silent. O LORD my God, I will give you thanks forever. Psalm 30:10-12

Recuperating

It's been almost a week since my surgery last Wednesday. I am doing well and feeling good.

I was admitted at Mt Elizabeth hospital on at about 7.45am on Wed. My mum and Reuben accompanied me to hospital. We were shown to my ward on level 5 and the super efficient nurses came to ask questions, fill up forms, tag me, got me to change, sign consent forms etc.

At 8.30am another nurse and an orderly came with the "trolley" (?) and wheeled me to level 3 where the operating theatres were. I was wheeled in to OT at about 8.45am. Dr Karen Yap came and we had a chat while waiting for the anaesthetist, Dr Lai. He administered the anesthetic at 9.15am and I woke up about 12.45pm. My Dr, Karen Yap said the surgery went very well and I was in a very stable condition throughout.

After I was fully awake, they wheeled me back to the ward. A few friends came to visit but I was not able to manage much of a conversation. The IV drip with painkiller was left in my arm after surgery and removed only at 4 pm. Because of the drip, I was very groggy and drifted in and out of sleep. My mum woke me at 6 pm for dinner - I managed to eat the light meal of macaroni chicken.

My friend Nancy Ang who is an Occupational Therapist came and gave me some brochures and instructions on exercises for my arm. Karen Yap came to check on me, re-bandaged a part of the pressure dressing and checked the level of fluid in my drainage bottle. The family came to visit around 8pm - the kids, having checked that I was fine, settled down to watch TV - they left before 9pm.

During the night I was able to get up and go to the toilet assisted by the nurse. I managed to go to the toilet by myself in the middle of the night and again in the morning to brush my teeth and wash my face.

Thursday morning, Reuben and mum came at 7.30am and Karen Yap came about 8 am. After examining me she asked how I felt (I felt fine) and asked if I would like to go home! And so I was discharged at 11am and reached home 11.45am.

The drainage tube was removed yesterday and i only have to go back for a check up on Friday.

Thanks for your prayers.

Surgery Tomorrow!

My mastectomy is scheduled for 9 am and will last about 2-2.5 hours. It will be at Mt Elizabeth Hospital which is where my surgeon Dr Karen Yap usually operates. I will stay in the hospital for 2 nights and should be home by Friday afternoon.

Tonight, Reuben prayed with the boys - David prayed that the Lord will get me through the surgery and Jonathan prayed that I will be healed. I prayed with Alisha and Janice - Alisha prayed that the surgery will go well and nothing will go wrong, Janice prayed that I will not be afraid... Aren't they precious?

I was reading Genesis chapter 3 with David and Janice a couple of weeks ago and we spoke of how Eve found it hard to believe God knows best. They both felt that my cancer was one of the things which made it hard to belive that God knows best. I was able to share with them God's good purpose and sovereignty.

Last week when I went to visit Dr Karen Yap to discuss the surgery. She explained what the mastectomy involved, options for reconstruction etc. With surgery imminent, I suddenly felt anxious and emotional about losing a part of my body. It took a couple of days to reconcile with it.

On Sunday a young man in church approached me after service and said God had prompted him to pray for me. Teck Tee is a medical student whom we don't know. I had met him once at the playground in church and the second time during friendship time. So we sat down and he read for me Psalm 23 and prayed for me. Reuben and I were very touched.

We know many of you are also praying for us - thank you!

Psalm 23
You, LORD, are my shepherd. I will never be in need. You let me rest in fields of green grass. You lead me to streams of peaceful water, and you refresh my life. You are true to your name, and you lead me along the right paths. I may walk through valleys as dark as death, but I won't be afraid. You are with me, and your shepherd's rod makes me feel safe. You treat me to a feast, while my enemies watch. You honor me as your guest, and you fill my cup until it overflows. Your kindness and love will always be with me each day of my life, and I will live forever in your house, LORD. (Contemporary English Version)

Birthdays!

In the month of September we celebrate 2 birthdays in our family. David's on the 1st and and Janice's on the 20th. They are almost exactly 2 years apart. This year, David invited 4 friends to celebrate with us. We all went out for dinner at Marche in Vivo City followed by viewing of the movie Wall.E. After the movie, we came home for his ice-cream cake from Island Creamery. Then the boys played X-box until about 10pm when their parents picked them up. His classmate Justin was able to stay over until the next morning.

Today, 20th September, we celebrated Janice's birthday and invited 5 of her friends. We had a cooking party and the girls baked and decorated cupcakes and made individual servings of baked rice for their dinner. It was quite a fun party but a bit of a mayhem with excitable, screaming girls running around. Thankfully everything went well - no burnt food or fingers!

I am thankful for our friends Angeline & Nam from church, and Ling Ling who were such a help. Ling Ling brought her daughter Joshann who's the same age as Janice and she fitted in really well with the other girls.

Update on Surgery

Last Thursday 11 Sep, morning I went to see my surgeon Dr Karen Yap at Mt Elizabeth Medical Centre to discuss about surgery. She also did a physical and ultrasound examination on the lumps. They have all shrunk and no new tumors have been discovered. PTL! We have scheduled my mastectomy on Wed 24 Sep 08 at Mt Elizabeth Hospital.

The surgery will remove my whole right breast, lymph nodes in the arm-pits and chest walls. After surgery I will need to do exercises to relieve the stiffness in my arm.

In the afternoon I went to see Dr Karmen Wong about my lingering cough and also to do a blood test. On Friday 12 Sep. Dr Wong called to say that the results were out and my white blood count and red blood count were both low.

This is cause for concern as white blood cells are important for immunity and a low level increases the risk of infection. Red blood cells are essential for carrying oxygen to parts of the body. A healthy level will minimise the need for transfusion. The level of platelets are also important for blood clotting after surgery.

So I went in for an Eprex injection (red blood cell booster). Normally our body (kidneys) produces erythropoietin which signals the bone marrow to produce red blood cells (RBCs). Eprex is a synthetic form of erythropoietin. I will have another Eprex injection this Friday, 19 Sep.

On Monday 22 Sep I will have a blood test again to assess fitness for surgery.

Please pray for:

• my body to produce the necessary amount of red blood and white blood cells;
• mental and emotional preparation for surgery for myself, Reuben and our kids;
• recovery and healing of wounds;
• adjustment to the physical changes after surgery.

Thank you for your encouragement, prayers and support.

We never give up. Our bodies are gradually dying, but we ourselves are being made stronger each day. These little troubles are getting us ready for an eternal glory that will make all our troubles seem like nothing. Things that are seen don't last forever, but things that are not seen are eternal. That's why we keep our minds on the things that cannot be seen. 2 Corinthians 4:16-18

Holidays

Last week was our Term 3 school vacation and we decided to go to a beach resort for 3 days.

I walked with the kids on the beach, picked shells, read & napped on deck chairs under the shade. Reuben and the children enjoyed swimming and kayaking. They rowed all the way to a small island about 1km (by my estimation) away. They even went sailing - we paid RM30 for one of the staff at the water sports centre to take them. Digging in the sand, burying each other in sand, catching tiny sand crabs and hermit crabs kept the kids thrilled.

The forecast was for storms but thankfully the weather held up and we were able to spend 2 1/2 days out on the beach and poolside. In fact, because it was cloudy and overcast, the weather was relatively cool. It was deceptive though, because the sun was behind clouds so much of the time, the children refused sunblock and got sunburned. It was painful to see them burned and red the next day but it was a good lesson for them...

The only eventful thing was my falling sick on the second day. I had a slight cold before the trip but on our second night I woke up at 4 am with chills, coughing, and blocked sinuses. I had packed my thermometer, panadol, standby antibiotics so I took some panadol straight away. I'm much better now, just a slight post-nasal drip and cough.

5You, LORD, are all I want! You are my choice, and you keep me safe. 6You make my life pleasant, and my future is bright. 7I praise you, LORD, for being my guide. Even in the darkest night, your teachings fill my mind. 8I will always look to you, as you stand beside me and protect me from fear. 9With all my heart, I will celebrate, and I can safely rest.

Psalm 16:5-9 (Contemporary English Version)

Expectations vs Reality

Day 4 after chemotherapy and the taste buds have gone all funny...

I'd been wanting some Boon Tong Kee chicken rice for a few days now, so we went out to get some. It smelt really good all the way home but when it came to eating it... everyone else enjoyed it except me. I guess the rice was not steaming hot by the time we got home but I could hardly even taste the rice... What a let down!

Graduation Day!

I am so sorry for not having posted anything on this blog for 2 weeks. No... I am not depressed or sick. Just feeling lazy and have been busy.

Wednesday I had my 6th chemotherapy treatment. It was my Graduation Day from - so said my oncologist's nurses. I remember well when I was first diagnosed in April and the confusion Reuben, the kids and I experienced then. I am thankful to have reached this milestone - looking back, it does not seem so long. Also the path has been strewn with unexpected joys and blessings.

I must give credit to the nurses and staff at Dr KW's clinic - they have been encouraging, full of humour and kindness each time that I was there. It makes all the difference that the atmosphere in the clinic was pleasant and positive.

Will post more another time... nap time.

10 years!

One of the good things that's come out of this cancer episode is renewal of friendships. Friends whom we have not seen in years have called, written, visited. This week 5 of my ex-colleagues from the then National Science and Technology Board (now A*Star) - Michelle, Li Choo, Betty, Pancy and Sushila came to visit. It was lovely to catch up with them and they all looked just the same!

I stopped work about 10 years ago after our son David was born. The decision to stop was not easy, I had been toying with the idea for months, maybe even years...

Having a job meant more money for the family of course, I also got a measure of identity and self-esteem from the job title. Although I always felt guilty about leaving the children in the care of my mum and maid, the pull factors for staying home were not as strong. My mum felt I should work because she always did and after having spent so much on my education, it was payback time. Anyway, she was around to "take charge" of things at home, etc etc.

My boss knew the dilemma I was in and offered me a part-time job after maternity. Unfortunately David was often sick, wheezing and coughing. Straight after I went back to work, he fell ill and had to be nebulised every 4 hours around the clock. Part time work just did not pan out and I resigned.

After resigning, we shared with Pastor Chris Chia about the sense of "insecurity" I felt over leaving the job. That was when he said "when you make a decision where you have to trust God more, it's a good decision". Like the Psalmist, we have tasted and testify that the Lord is good.

Psalm 34:1-10

I will extol the LORD at all times; his praise will always be on my lips.

My soul will boast in the LORD; let the afflicted hear and rejoice.

Glorify the LORD with me; let us exalt his name together.

I sought the LORD, and he answered me; he delivered me from all my fears.

Those who look to him are radiant; their faces are never covered with shame.

This poor man called, and the LORD heard him; he saved him out of all his troubles.

The angel of the LORD encamps around those who fear him, and he delivers them.

Taste and see that the LORD is good; blessed is the man who takes refuge in him.

Fear the LORD, you his saints, for those who fear him lack nothing.

The lions may grow weak and hungry, but those who seek the LORD lack no good thing.

This and That

Yesterday I had a follow up visit to Dr MH the surgeon. The diverticulitis has cleared - no more pain and the colon is not "hard" when palpated. Sometime down the line, he wants to do a colonoscopy to check that there are no other underlying causes for the inflammation. Thank you Lord! I am able to eat normal food again although my appetite is still not good.

I had been warned that the cumulative effects of the chemo will make each succeeding cycle more difficult. I was pretty much knocked out last weekend - feeling faint, weak and lacking in energy.

Some new side effects - all the tips of my fingers, some toes and the sole of my feet feel "dull" or numb. Yet the soles of my feet were sore when walking. It felt like the fat and muscle layers in the soles had been squashed and become thin. Like worn out shoes there was no padding or "cushioning" effect and I could feel the bones jarring with each step.

It was hard to do just about anything including reading, praying, conversing (I yawned all the time! How rude!). I slept a lot more than usual during the day although I was sleepless the first couple of nights. My substitute had to take over the BSF class this week as I was not physically up to it. Praise God for enabling her.

Alisha, David and Janice have been having sore throat, runny nose and cough. Thankfully I am ok although my throat felt sore and my nose blocked for a couple of days.

Alisha's preparing for her PSLE (Primary School Leaving Examination) scheduled for 1st week of October. The preliminary exams will be held 18-22 Aug. We are thankful for my friends who are tutoring her and friends who are fetching her to tuition. She recently scored 82% (quite an achievement!) on a practice exam paper under exam conditions. Please pray for her as she prepares, that she will do her best, trust in the Lord and not be discouraged.

Reuben will be travelling again soon. He leaves for Sydney & Brisbane on Sunday 10 Aug night and returns Wednesday night. He'll be in Hong Kong 23-29 August and then India 5-8 September.

My brother Paul, Ai Vee my sis-in-law and their 3 kids Natasha 5, Felicia 3+ and Lucas 2+ are here on holidays from Mongolia where Paul is posted. It's a wonderful reunion for us and especially for the children who miss their cousins. The little ones asked "Aunty Doris, what happened to your hair?" They soon got used to seeing me bald though.

Songs of Faith

Many beautiful songs and hymns are born of adversity, of pain and suffering. How will you know your faith is true if it is never tested? Some stuff that looks like gold will be revealed as plastic dipped in gold paint when it is put through fire.

A song that I've just discovered about rejoicing in God, not the circumstances.

"Rejoice in the Lord" By Ron Hamilton
God never moves without purpose or plan,
When trying His servant and molding a man.
Give thanks to the LORD, though your testing seems long,
In darkness, He giveth a song.

Chorus
O REJOICE IN THE LORD!
He makes no mistake
He knoweth the end of each path that I take!
For when I am tried and purified,
I shall come forth as gold.

I could not see through the shadows ahead,
So I looked at the cross of my Saviour instead.
I bowed to the will of the Master that day,
Then peace came, and tears fled away!

Now I can see testing comes from above,
God strengthens His children, and purges in love.
My Father knows best, and I trust in His care;
Through purging, more fruit I will bear.

You can watch a video and listen to the song on YouTube http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZyDOtcBX8M8

5th cycle

My 5th chemotherapy session was scheduled for yesterday, but was postponed to today. Dr KW wanted me to go back to the surgeon to do an ultrasound measurement of the tumor to check if it was responding well to the drugs.

I recently read an article on breast cancer treatment, published in Scientific American, which my friend Corrie passed to me. The article traced the development of breast cancer treatment from the 19th century to now. Herceptin, the monoclonal antibody that is being used to treat my cancer has only been in use since 1998 but already studies have shown that cancer cells can develop resistance to it.

So to ensure that we were on the right track, it was best to check that my tumor is shrinking and not becoming resistant. My tumors have not completely disappeared but the 2 largest ones which were measure have certainly shrunk. My CEA tumor marker (Carcino-embryonic Antigen) has also gone down to the normal range of 3.7ug/L (normal is <4.7ug/L).

We rejoice to receive this good report. My blood count is marginally low. My red blood count is 3.35x10 to the power of 12/L (normal range is 4.2-5.4). As a result of the low red blood cells I tire more easily and pant just after climbing one flight of stairs! My white blood cell count is also low 3x10 to the power of 9/L (normal range is 4-10). So I am more susceptible to infections.

I'll be having my final chemo session on 20 Aug and surgery is scheduled for mid-end September. Blood count needs to be in the normal range for surgery to proceed.

Covet your prayers for:-

• body to produce blood cells;
• resistance to illness;
• diverticulitis to completely subside so I can go back to eating normal food;
• tumor cells to die and tumor to continue to shrink so the surgery will be uncomplicated.

Psalm 139:13-14 For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother's womb. I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well.

Suffering

About a year ago, I was studying the book of Romans and mulling over the question of whether I had suffered. To me, suffering would include things like going through disasters, losing everything, having to endure interminable pain or illnesses. My life experiences did not really count as "suffering".

I asked Reuben whether he thought I had suffered in my life. He thought I had - loss of loved ones, financial crises, rejection by friends, disappointments and failures etc.

More recently a friend was pondering why I had to suffer cancer - is there some greater purpose?

Let me share with you some of my thoughts about suffering - some are just general observations, others are truths I learnt from the bible and I don't have complete answers yet.

Suffering is the common lot of man - everyone suffers. If you haven't ever suffered yet, it's only a matter of when and to what extent. Some suffering comes as a consequence of what we do - i.e. reaping what we sow. Others because of the actions of others since whatever we do impacts others even when we don't see it immediately (think drink driving, adultery's impact on families. climate change etc.).

Most suffering occurs because all is not well in our world. The bible says because of sin and enmity with God, our world is imperfect/fallen and everything is subject to decay. The bible says that the whole of creation is groaning as in birth pangs awaiting the day when things will be restored. As part of the created order, our bodies are decaying, we get sick etc.

The difference for me as a Christian is that when I go through suffering, I don't suffer alone. God is with me. This experience of walking through the valley of shadow of death has drawn me closer to God - knowing He is with me, experiencing His peace in turmoil, His strength in fear and weakness, seeing His hope in moments of despair. Appreciating His kindness and goodness daily. I also experience God's love poured out through the love of friends and loved ones.

The other thing the bible teaches me about suffering as a Christian is that it is not pointless nor hopeless. I may not see the point right now but I know the promises God has given. My suffering is temporary and will result in good. My suffering is God's way of molding me to be more like Jesus; He is building my character.

There are many lessons to be learnt through this journey - one of them is a reminder that although I may think I'm in charge, in reality I am totally dependent on God. My next breath could be my last. I'm reminded to live each moment in readiness that it could be my last.

I don't think my suffering is anything out of ordinary, or extreme, just "generic" suffering. I have friends who have very chronic, long term illnesses where there seem no end - they have it much harder.

I'm not saying that people who are not Christians do not endure or overcome life suffering well. The human spirit is tenacious and strong and I have seen many who have triumphed over their circumstances. The above is my personal belief which are anchored on promises in the bible.

Romans 5:2b-5 "We rejoice in the hope of the glory of God. Not only so, but we also rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and chareacter hope; and hope does not disappoint us because God has poured out His love into our hearts by the Holy Spirit whom He has given us."

God Will Take Care of You

Some people asked at church today if I'd been unwell and therefore have not been updating my blog since last Thursday. I'm sorry to have caused concern but thank you for your concern.

Praise the Lord, I have been feeling well this week. In fact after the fever subsided, I've been feeling well. Just tired, lethargic and lazy... too lazy to update the blog... just doing the necessary from day to day. I do feel weaker physically, I get muscle ache after climbing up a flight of stairs and breathlessness after 2 flights. Was thinking that's what our elderly parents/in-laws feel when we try to make them walk at our pace... must be more sensitive to their needs.

I had a follow up appointment with the gastro surgeon, Dr Hoe, on Wed. The visit was encouraging - from what he could palpate, the inflammation in my ascending colon has subsided somewhat. There is still some firmness there so I'm on another course of antibiotics - Augmentin this time. I'm to remain on the soft diet (easily digestible food) with no fibre (i.e. novegetables and fruits) for another 2 weeks.

My mum attends Glory Presbyterian Church and each Thursday she meets with a group of elderly ladies for prayer, bible reading and visitation. Last Thursday about 12 of them (a vanful) came to visit me, accompanied by Pastor Yap. The visit was brief - just some short conversation, then they a hymn(God will take care of you) and they bowed in heart-felt prayer for me. Then off they went to visit another homebound senior in Ghim Moh and a critically ill member at NUH.

I was touched by their visit - some of them are in their 80s and struggled to climb up the stairs in my home but they came anyway just to bring words of encouragement and cheer. It puts me to shame - the last time I visited someone in hospital was in Janary 08.

God Will Take Care Of You
Be not dismayed whate'er betide, God will take care of you;
Beneath His wings of love abide, God will take care of you.

Chorus: God will take care of you, thro' everyday, o'er all the way;
He will take care of you, God will take care of you.

Thro' days of toil when heart doth fail, God will take care of you;
When dangers fierce you path assail, God will take care of you.

No matter what may be the test, God will take care of you;
Lean, weary one,upon His breast, God will take care of you.

Psalm 91:4 He will cover you with his feathers, and under His wings you will find refuge; His faithfulness will be your shield and rampart.
(in case you're wondering,a rampart or bulwark is a permanent, high, broad ,defensive and protective wall of a fortress - God's faithfulness is the source of our confidence).

Infection 2

At 4.30 this morning, I woke up feeling different... I went to the bathroom to check my temperature and my fever had finally subsided - that's a relief!

I could tell Dr KW was not very "happy" yesterday that my fever was still a high of 38.5C despite having given me intravenous antibiotic (Avelox) on Monday. She ordered a full blood count - I will be hospitalised if there is no uptrend in the results despite having taken a white blood cell booster.

After giving my blood sample, I was sent up to Dr Michael Hoe the gastro surgeon to review CT scan of my abdomen an pelvis. He showed me that there was inflammation of the colon wall, reducing the opening to about 1cm diameter. Oral antibiotics (Flagyl) was prescribed to kill the anaerobic bacteria. For the next 2 weeks I am not to take vegetables and fruits! Instead my diet consists of easily digestible foods - white rice porridge, mee suah, etc. (Maybe I'll lose some weight with this diet...) My friend Susie sent me an e-mail with cantonese soup and porridge recipes. I looked up the internet and found a host of other information on diverticulitis diet.
(then again, maybe not...)

Another friend Alison Chong told me not to eat raw foods and leftovers since my immunity is low - why didn't I think of that before?

Infection

Been feeling under the weather... feverish chills the last 2 nights kept me from sleeping soundly.

I took my temperature this morning - it was 38.6C so i popped 2 Panadol tablets and called Dr KW's clinic. "Please come in for blood tests". I got there about 11.30am and immediately had blood taken then waited for the results. I saw Dr KW at about 12.30pm - blood test results confirm an infection - white blood and red blood count both low.

Dr KW checked my throat and listened to my chest. She ordered intravenous antibiotics. I told her about my aches and pains, bleeding gums, fainting spells, abdominal pain. I hopped onto the couch and she checked my abdomen...

I've been having pain in the right side of my abdomen since Monday night. It's so tender all last night that even walking was painful... The location of the pain made her suspect appendicitis. Oh dear! I had to go and see a gastro surgeon a few stories up. Spent about 1/2 hour there reviewing history, then physical examination. He said it was suspicious but not conclusive - so I was sent to have a CT scan of the abdomen and pelvis. If the scan confirms appendicitis, we would have to have surgery immediately to take it out! The surgeon booked an operating theatre and booked me a room.

I was discouraged and tearing as I walked over to have the scan. I prayed that it will not be appendicitis. My friend Ling Ling heard i was at the doctors and came to keep me company. Reuben came later most upset that I may have to have surgery when my immunity is low.

After the scan it was back to Dr KW for my antibiotic drip and wait for the results of my CT scan. Reuben popped in to speak to her and she was most reassuring - we will only proceed with operation if absolutely necessary. Dr KW called the imaging department and spoke to the doctor - good news! I do not have appendicitis after all, I have diverticulitis and Dr KW added another antibiotic to my regime.

It's been a day of lows but God is good, he sent an my friend Ling Ling to sit with me and minister to me.

Cycle 4

This latest cycle of chemo has hit me harder than the first 3...

Sleeplessness is a problem - the red blood cell booster causes aches and pains in the joints (back ribs for me) so getting a comfortable position to sleep is difficult. The soles of my feet hurt (?) and sometimes they feel swollen and heavy (they look ok though). My gums are bleeding and ulcerated, throat is sore.

My appetite's not good as expected but now I understand what others mean when they say their sense of taste and smell goes funny. Food does smell different and there is no urge to eat. I have to discipline myself and eat when it's time to eat. Hard to think of something I feel like eating though...

On Saturday morning I was trying to make some lunch while my helpers were doing gardening with Reuben. I suddenly felt faint and had to get on the floor to prevent a fall. As a teen, I used to have episodes of fainting but it hasn't happened for years... I was reminded of my human frailty.

Reuben's having a head cold. Alisha and David have been having sore throats and runny noses and Janice has a runny nose too... Do pray for protection against infection.

Do you like this colourful post? It's Janice's idea.

Psalm 73: 26 My flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever.

Insomnia

Last night I suffered from insomnia (sleeplessness). Funny how all these conditions end with "-nia" must be some Latin root?

I lay in bed for a long time before finally falling asleep. Sometime in the middle of the night, I woke up to go to the toilet and although I was tired I just could not get back to sleep. So I got up at 4.40am and read the bible and prayed. Went back to bed at 5.30am and slept til 7 am. This afternoon I had a 1-2 hour nap.

Tempted to take the sleeping tablets but don't want to be in a daze tomorrow. I think I will stay off it. Praying for a good nights' sleep.

Psalm 4:8 I will lie down and sleep in peace, for you alone, O LORD, make me dwell in safety.

Reuben's Accident

Today, Reuben had a minor accident while driving to work - he rear-ended the car in front which then rear-ended another car in front. We thank God that no one was hurt - the car he hit had 2 children in the rear seat but they were securely belted-up in their car seats. The accident was minor and repairs will be claimed through insurance.

Reuben says he's not sure how it happened, it just happened in a split second. I believe he is still under stress and has much on his mind.

In the book A Cancer Battle Plan, the author shares how friends can help support the cancer patient. A few pages (contributed by her husband) are devoted to caring for the carer (in my case, husband).

The suffering that a caretaker suffers is forgotten - especially the strong, silent husbands. They are involuntarily cast into a behind-the-scenes role, charged with keeping everything running smoothly. This can be a source of anxiety, stress, frustration and fear.

It is easy for the healthy ones to be overlooked. Some tips from the book about how friends can help give individualised attention and involvement:-

• Let them know you care and are praying specifically for them,
• Pray with/for them in person or over the phone,
• Find out what would help them most,
• Be willing to listen to their feelings and what they are going through,
• Allow the person freedom to be himself - they would appreciate interaction and "normal" conversation - not necessarily about the cancer patient.

Reuben shared with me that while at church camp, the kids would all be happily sitting with their friends at meal times. He felt "lost" not having my company and when he sat down with friends at church, the conversation inevitably centers around my condition. He really did not have much opportunity to "air" or "ventilate" his feelings.

Do pray for Reuben to cast his anxieties on the Lord, to be able to sleep well each night. It is a time to trust in the Lord for everyting. We are learning to depend on Him more because we truly cannot do much at all. Pray for our sense of security to be anchored in Christ.

1 Peter 5:6-7 "Humble yourselves, therefore, under God's mighty hand, that he may lift you up in due time. Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you. "

Anaemia

This last week I have been feeling a lot more tired than expected (based on experience of previous cycles). I felt sleepy and a bit "dull"-minded.

Today the blood test shows that my haemoglobin level has dropped from 12.0 g/dL three weeks ago to 10.4 (ref range 12.0-16.0 g/dL). The red blood cells (erythrocytes, platelets) are also lower than 3 weeks ago and lower than the minimum of the range.

The brochure Dr Wong gave says that the symptoms of me anaemia include: extreme weakness and tiredness, loss in concentration, headache, difficulty speaking (check all four) as well as shortness of breath, rapid heartbeat, dizziness or fainting, paleness.

I was still healthy enough to take the chemotherapy drugs. To counter the anaemia, DrWong gave me an erythropoetin (to boost the body's bone marrow's production) intravenously at the end of my chemo. I will also be taking liquid iron drops to increase my dietary iron. The erythropoetin costs $640 for one vial of 0.6 ml!

I am reminded that we can take many medicines and drugs for our illnesses but they may not always be effective. The healing of our bodies is from God as is spiritual healing.

Jeremiah 17:14 "Heal me, O LORD, and I will be healed; save me and I will be saved, for you are the one I praise."

Gift of Helps

Many friends in church and BSF have offered practical help e.g. to do grocery shopping, send the children to various lessons and activities. As I do enjoy going out when I can and serving my family, i don't take up the offers very much.

Linda Teo, Tai Wan and Lee Ling between them now help send Alisha to and from Chinese and Maths weekly tuition. Vera, Joyce and Elaine have been sending me to and from blood tests and chemo. Others have helped on an ad hoc basis e.g. taking my mum to the doctor when she was coughing badly. Today, Vera and Say Kiat went shopping for fish for my family.

Having experienced great fatigue this past week I think I will begin to take up more of these offers. I've asked my friend Elaine Tan, from my BSF class who also attends our church ARPC, to be the manager/coordinator for transportation. If you are able to help either regularly or on an ad hoc basis, please let Elaine know. Her e-mail is: elainetan24@hotmail.com.

I usually do my grocery shopping once and week and my helper walks to Jelita to pick up essentials like milk or if we run short. If you are going grocery shopping and it is convenient to pick something up for us, please give me a call and I can give you a list of stuff I need.

These past weeks we have been blessed with homemade bread, cards and verses of encouragement, devotional books, honey, chocolates, flowers, a plant. Thank you for blessing me and my family with your gifts and acts of service. We thank the Lord in all our remembrance of you.

Romans 12:5-8 ...in Christ we who are many form one body, and each member belongs to all the others. We have different gifts, according to the grace given us. If a man's gift is prophesying, let him use it in proportion to his faith. If it is serving, let him serve; if it is teaching, let him teach; if it is encouraging, let him encourage; if it is contributing to the needs of others, let him give generously; if it is leadership, let him govern diligently; if it is showing mercy, let him do it cheerfully.

Lifestyle Changes 1

Tuesday will be my 4th chemo cycle. The 5th and 6th are scheduled for 29 July and 19th Aug. Having come to the halfway point of chemotheraphy, i feel like i'm on the home stretch! After the final chemo, I'll have surgery sometime in September and after recovery, there will be 5 weeks of daily radiotherapy.

I was told by the surgeon I need to be healthy, strong and fit for surgery - so I'm trying to exercise more. Dr Kevin Kwok asked me to try and walk 30 mins EVERY morning AND evening. Having led a sedentary life for 40+ years, it's difficult to change - i manage to walk 3 times a week... *sigh* need to discipline myself more...

When we were in Melbourne, we stayed with Dr Peter Choong and his wife Kerry. Kerry is a very active woman, she does some form of exercise day - pilates, rowing, cycling, jogging. I need to take a leaf from her book. Kerry is a cancer survivor herself and she tells me she needs to do vigorous aerobic exercise otherwise her cancer markers will come up. So there's my motivation to exercise!

In chapter 5 - Maintaining Morale of A Cancer Battle Plan, the author gives a few attitudes that helped her develop "an emotional climate conducive to fighting the enemy (cancer)" and keep her spirits up:

• Taking charge
• Refusing to play victim
• Saying "No" to slavery
• Practicing thankfulness
• Finding humour
• Setting goals
  

  "Your body is like a garden God has given you to take care of. Right now it's full of weeds (cancer). Your job until he reclaims the garden is to do your best at getting rid of the weeds and growing the good stuff. Failure is not found in giving the garden back (dying)-that's going to happen sooner or later-but in doing less than your best with it while it's yours."

  
  

  I found the illustration helpful... my body is not my own, it belongs to God and my but I have a responsibility to take care of it, a stewardship. I should work to maintain a healthy body in order to do what God wants me to do.

  That's not to say that those whose bodies are not "normal", "healthy" or "able" cannot serve God and God's purposes. They do in special ways and I think of Joni who became paralysed neck down in a diving accident http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4vIT1RB4lPI&feature and Nick Vujicic who was born with no arms or legs http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0DxlJWJ_WfA&feature .

  For most of us, this body enables us to physically serve our families, others and God. As long as I have this body, I have a responsibility to care for and keep it healthy.

  1 Corinthians 6:19-20 Do you not know that your body is a temple of the Holy Spirit, who is in you, whom you have received from God? You are not your own; you were bought at a price. Therefore honor God with your body.

Visitors

L-R: Linda Tan, Sue Ping, Rosie, me, Linda Khoo, Ling Ling

My dear friends Rosie, Linda Khoo and Sue Ping came from Johor Baru to visit today. They started out around 6.30am, took a bus across the Causeway and then an MRT from Kranji to Buona Vista. Reuben and I picked them up then we stopped to pick some breakfast at Ghim Moh hawker centre. Linda Tan Lai Yin and Ling Ling who live in Singapore came to join us later. We had a wonderful time catching up, fellowshipping, eating and praying together. We laughed as we reminisced about our antics in school, our teachers, our years in church.

I have known these beautiful women since Standard 1 (Pri 1), except for Linda Tan who joined our school in Standard 6. We grew up together in Batu Pahat, a small town in Johor. I invited them to Sunday School and later Junior Youth Fellowship and Youth Fellowship. I used to ride my bike to Linda Khoo's place to take her to youth fellowship. She rode pillion on my bicycle! When Linda's family moved to Johor Baru, groups of us would descend on their home during the school holidays and then we would travel to Singapore together.

I thank God for these friends who journeyed with me in our early years as Christians. The love, joy and fellowship we shared then was so tangible, it attracted others to come and find out more.

I pray that each one of us will continue to faithfully walk with Christ; our love will overflow more and more; we will keep on growing in knowledge and understanding; live pure and blameless lives until the day of Christ’s return and be filled with the fruit of a righteous character produced in our lives by Jesus Christ to bring much glory and praise to God. Amen. (Philippians 1:8-11)

Been Busy

Wow! a week has just flown by so quickly and I have not had a chance to post any updates. It's been a busy, packed week but a very pleasurable one! i was able to carry on with my daily routine - I never used to think that an achievement...

I took Janice to the opthalmologist on Thursday morning for follow up on her lazy eye. Her vision has improved and now she can read 1.5 lines more than before! The daily 3-hour patching has helped. In the afternoon Rachel came with biscuits and hand cream that she had gotten hubby Bernard to carry back from London. Late evening, the boys, Spyke and I took a walk to Ghim Moh to pick something up.

Lynette and Peter came laden with breakfast on Saturday morning - prata, chwee kueh, chee cheong fun, lor mai kai, yu cha kueh - we had a feast! Breakfast was followed by singing hymns and choruses with Lynette who has the most velvety, mellow alto voice.

In the afternoon I attended a lovely wedding and reception. Alice and Anna, whom we got to know in Brisbane when they were students there, were waiting for me when I got back from the wedding. Anna had baked a perfect orange chiffon cake which we had for tea. At night, I made 4 trays of baked rice - 2 for children's church on Sunday, one for my Indonesian helpers to take to bible study and one for home.

With all this food, it's no wonder I have actually put on weight (a little) since my diagnosis! I watch what i eat but I try to eat a bit more while I can to tide me over the days when the appetite goes.

Sunday was children's church family games day followed by a "pot-luck" lunch. It was really fun for parents, children and teachers to interact through games. I sat out the games but cheered from the sidelines. The games for upper primary children were organised by one of our church's Discipleship Groups. To the delight of all, these enthusiastic, energetic and creative singles planned the games around the theme of Kungfu Panda and all of them dressed up for the part! Thank you for making the games day so special for us.

Apart from all these, I had to prepare my BSF training for leaders and lecture for the class. 2 lessons from Matthew 12: Jesus says there is no neutral ground - you are either for or against him and Jesus defines his family: those who do the will of the Father; who hear his words and put them into practice/obey.

In a week like this, except for tiredness in the afternoons, necessitating a nap, it's easy to forget I am being treated for cancer.

In less than a week I'll be going for my 4th chemo cycle. I have to admit I don't look forward to the week immediately following chemo - dreading the "sick" feeling, mild though it has been. Yet I look forward to it as it is one step closer to the end of chemo!

Psalm 16:5-6
5 LORD, you have assigned me my portion and my cup;
you have made my lot secure.

6 The boundary lines have fallen for me in pleasant places;
surely I have a delightful inheritance.

Back to Work

Tuesday was my first BSF class day in 8 weeks... I've missed my leaders and the ladies in my class. It was a joy to be back. I shared with the class about my cancer and treatment - it was an emotional time. Cancer is so common, several women in the class are undergoing treatment, some are in remission, others are caring for family members suffering from it.

Our lesson was on Matt 11 - Jesus reassures John the Baptist, warns the unrepentant and promises the weary rest. Timely reminders that while circumstances might cause us to doubt and question, our hope and security is not dependent on circumstances, experience, feelings but solidly anchored in scripture. It's a comfort that I am yoked with Jesus' - His yoke is easy and his burden is light because He bears it with us.

Matt 11:28-30 "Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light."

Answered Prayers

It's been a few days since i blogged (is that even a proper verb?). As usual in the first week of chemo cycle, I have been feeling very tired... maybe a little more than previous rounds. Hmm... I'm wondering if it has to do with a lower red blood count. Frequent trips to the toilet during the nights does not help fatigue of course. Thankfully the infection is clearing.

For each chemo cycle, I notice that I generally am able to eat well until day 3 or 4 and then the appetite goes, tummy feels less comfortable, mouth tastes funny etc. That is when I have to consciously eat and drink - an act of the will. I am unable to eat big meals as it makes me feel queasy so I have to eat more often which is not very "convenient".

Sometimes all i feel like eating is cream crackers dunked in hot coffee (comfort food from childhood). But since I've stopped drinking coffee, i dunk them in hot green tea and soy milk (doesn't taste the same though). On Sunday, I had a special treat, Reuben stopped at Burger King and bought me a Double Whopper which smelt great and tasted just as good. I could only eat just more than half and he had the rest.

On day 6 of the cycle (Sunday) I start getting diarrhoea which will last till day 10/11. This is an uncomfortable time. On Sunday night I was going to the toilet so often I worried about not sleeping well. So i prayed specifically for relief and God was gracious to answer my prayers - I slept from 11pm to 6am without getting up at all. I was refreshed and able to carry on with my BSF leaders meeting. This happened again on Monday, my tummy was upset all day but at night, in answer to prayer, I had relief throughout the night.

A friend of mine once shared that her husband, who was seeking spiritual truth, asked her how she knew God exists. She asked me what i would have said and i spoke at length about how the complexity of the world, of life convinces me that things did not come about by chance etc. I asked what she told her husband. Her reply? "I just told him i know God is real because He answers my prayers." Wow, such simple but profound faith.

Indeed God hears and answers the prayers of His beloved children. He has heard all the petitions being raised up for me, been gracious to me and given me relief and good results from he treatment. Praise the Lord!

Psalm 6:9 The LORD has heard my cry for mercy; the LORD accepts my prayer.

Family Service

Last Saturday, Alisha went out for a movie (Prince Caspian) with her best friends Vanessa and Agnes. They were accompanied by Lauretta (spelling?) one of their teachers from Children's Church. After the movies they went to church for rehearsals as they were taking part in the family service on Sunday. After their rehearsals, Vanessa and Agnes came for a sleep over.

We had a simple meal of spaghetti bolognese and salad for dinner. I went to bed at 10, woke up at 12, went back to bed and woke up at 2 and then finally had a good 4 hours sleep til 6am. I woke up refreshed and drove all the girls to church for the Family Service rehearsal before returning home for the rest.

Our church has family service once every 2 months. This is when ALL the children join us in the main service and the format of the service is tailored to cater to all age groups. Usually families (dad, mum & kids) in the church will take turns to lead the service. This last service was led by the Children's Church leaders and children. We had special items from the children and the teachers.

Instead of a sermon, the teaching time was a skit styled after "Are you smarter than a P6er?" presented by the P6 children and teachers. It was a hilarious time, but it creatively reminded us that the proper response to God and His Word is not pride or apathy but humility, repentance and child-like faith.

Alisha was involved in the skit and Janice was doing back-up singing for both services. They enjoyed themselves. The family service is a visual (and aural) reminder that God's family is diverse in its make up. We need to embrace the diversity, welcome, come alongside, bear and forbear, encourage one another. The service also helps me appreciate the creativity and passion of the teachers and children who dare think outside the box. It also helps us get out of our comfort zone and humbles us to know there are many ways to do things, my way is not the only way nor the best.

Luke 18:15-17 People were also bringing babies to Jesus to have him touch them. When the disciples saw this, they rebuked them. But Jesus called the children to him and said, "Let the little children come to me, and do not hinder them, for the kingdom of God belongs to such as these. I tell you the truth, anyone who will not receive the kingdom of God like a little child will never enter it."

Updates

Alisha and David both came in second place for their age groups in the golf competition they played in yesterday. Janice played in the first day and did not qualify for the second day (finals). She says she played very badly! 5 of her balls went into water.

Yesterday morning, I went back to Dr Karen Yap to do an ultrasound of the tumor and lymph nodes. Praise the Lord, all the tumors have shrunk. Will probably schedule the mastectomy in September.

At noon I went to see my friend Wai Pek about this bony spur next to my molar which was causing my gum problems. She managed to snip it off and now the gum line is closing up again. Phew!

Today I feel extremely tired. Janice (sitting next to me) says "exhausted" is a more appropriate word. I know I have plenty that needs to be done but just didn't feel energetic enough to even to begin. Well, I had some sweet soy bean and some sweet cranberry and I feel a bit better.

Time for lunch!